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Newest Member: Dilbert (46033)

User Topic: Friend now has WW
716dayslost
♂ 11536
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again, Infidelity has reared it ugliness in my life. After dealing with WW's A, over the years I had several friends rocked by infidelity. WW and I had reconciled by the time a close friend found out about his WW 3+ years ago. It was awful to watch him go through it.
Now, after WW finally left after her latest A, another life long friend dropped the bomb on me. His wife is leaving and may be having an A. I was coming to terms with my own healing, when this news hit. It is hard for me to see him suffer though I know he has to go through what I did. In some ways it is like looking in a mirror at what I was like after the last D-day. It is emotion for me on two levels; one, I feel for him, and two, I am reliving mine. The first thing I did was turn him to SI.

This has caused me to regress. I have renewed negative emotions towards my xWW, as his WW and mine are good friends. For all I know my WW encouraged it in a "you go girlfriend" moment. I was really feeling ready to date, to trust women again. Now I am feeling like how am I suposed to find a trustable woman who is truly committed to me. (I know it is not all women, just feelings I have) I deserve to receive back the same loyalty and principles that I give, not a facade of them.

How do you deal with the discouragment of see friends, family, co-workers facing infidelity? How do you avoid going through it all over again as they are experiencing infidelity?


You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
Uhtred
♂ 40392
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did have a friend that had a one night stand and his wife divorced him for it. She happened to have one herself before they got married but I guess she felt it ok for her to do it but not for him. He was truly remorseful for what he did and tried to do everything to make it right but his wife wasn't having it.

This was during the time that my wife was in full swing during her affair. She condemned him and told me she didn't want me hanging around him because he was a cheater. When the truth came out about my ww I asked her to explain this and of course she couldn't.

The only thing I can say man is that you are going to have to be shoulder to lean on for them since you've been through it. You can keep them from further making mistakes trying to nice their wives back. I'd imagine that it would bring out a lot of feelings back for you. I don't care how long it's been this shit will hurt forever I'm convinced of it. Help your buddies out man they need you.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
HobbesTheTiger
♂ 41477
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear that! I wish them all the best, and of course to you as well.

I'm struggling with the same question as you are, and I haven't been in a serious relationship since, because I'm too scared I'll get hurt again.

But I'm slowly opening myself up to it again. I've been to counselling a lot, read a lot of books on psychology and I'm trying to learn how to identify and stay away from women with certain red flags.

Some guidelines I have set up for myself:
- no women with low self-esteem (&learn to identify low self-esteem)
- no women who have cheated before (make sure to check for any hesitation before the reply, act like it's no big deal when you ask)
- no women from f-ed up families, unless they've been through therapy/counselling
- no "damaged" women who need to be rescued by a knight in shining armour, no "co-dependent" women
- no women without female friends
- no women who go out and get smashed drunk
etc.

So maybe if you try to do sth like that it would help. Also try to read a lot about psychology, it will help you learn what kind of people are ready for a healthy relationship and which aren't.

Best of luck!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 523 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
10yearsafter
♂ 43139
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you been to IC that can help if you have a good therapist.

I'm sorry this affects you but you need to let go. Be thankful you are not being hurt anymore by your X WW.

You now have the opportunity to move on to greener pastures.

Go frolic in the new green grass and drink from the half full glass my friend. Time will heal you but you must let it.


Posts: 303 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
716dayslost
♂ 11536
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support. Yes I do have an IC. I wish I could afford to send my friend, but I can only afford mine through my healthcare. I am pretty sure he cannot afford it at all. That is why I am encouraging him to reach out on SI. I told him that I started out surviving and work towards thriving. It is a work in progress.


You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
steppingup
♂ 42650
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did have a friend that had a one night stand and his wife divorced him for it. She happened to have one herself before they got married but I guess she felt it ok for her to do it but not for him. He was truly remorseful for what he did and tried to do everything to make it right but his wife wasn't having it.

This was during the time that my wife was in full swing during her affair. She condemned him and told me she didn't want me hanging around him because he was a cheater. When the truth came out about my ww I asked her to explain this and of course she couldn't.

Pretty normal, these are the chronic "CAKE EATER CHEATERS". They dont want you to have "gross fun" behind their backs because, well, they would never stand for it and well, they (WS) are different, they are special, they have something or need something we dont, so we cannot but they can it's a unexplainable hypocrisy of f..kedupness.


I cannot even watch a movie that has an affair in it (e.g., bridges of Madison County), without going into full blown PTSD remission pain and suffering, much less to counsel someone who has been torn up by the same trama. The best we can do is try to help, especially for people like me who have suffered alone through these things, without any help whatsoever in the past.

Care for him as best you can, when he succeeds perhaps you will too. Good luck.

Regarding this:

But I'm slowly opening myself up to it again. I've been to counselling a lot, read a lot of books on psychology and I'm trying to learn how to identify and stay away from women with certain red flags.

Some guidelines I have set up for myself:
- no women with low self-esteem (&learn to identify low self-esteem)
- no women who have cheated before (make sure to check for any hesitation before the reply, act like it's no big deal when you ask)
- no women from f-ed up families, unless they've been through therapy/counselling
- no "damaged" women who need to be rescued by a knight in shining armour, no "co-dependent" women
- no women without female friends
- no women who go out and get smashed drunk
etc.

Every good man (e.g., not a player), needs to live by this ^^^^ I can see from the list that I married someone who violated quite a few of these rules...UGH!

[This message edited by steppingup at 2:22 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

Posts: 740 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Asil0623
♀ 42419
Member # 42419
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The week I first noticed something wrong with my WH, he also unfriended a mutual friend on Facebook because she had cheated. (She and her husband both cheated multiple times in a horrible marriage, and both needed to go their separate ways.). At the time, I had no idea my WH was just getting started on his A. WH still can't explain how he was so disgusted with the friend on FB yet continued to "run with scissors".

There are plenty of normal women out there that don't have any desire to sleep around. I am still in shock that women with children, a job, a house to maintain, etc, have time to sleep around with idiots like my WH. I don't have that kind of time...just saying.

My best friend who suffered the loss of a child has told me that one of the most healing things she has ever done is to help someone through what she went through. Maybe this will also be the case for you...


Me-BS
Him- WH
Reconciling? It takes two.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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