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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Afraid to move forward
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've just over 3.5 years from DDay, and a little under 3 years since TT. That TT was fun, btw. If you're a WS, you've heard this before, but do NOT TT. It resets the clock and adds another layer of mistrust. Just don't do it, please.

OK - so here's the thing. The A comes up very infrequently. I come here often, mostly to see how others are doing and progressing, and partly because (I think) part of me wants to remind myself how painful all of this is/was.

Every time we have a fight, I am brought right back. I struggle to stay on topic when I want to scream "Well F YOU!!! You're just a whore cheater anyway!!!" because obviously, that isn't what the world is about, and going there is just my way of avoiding any other issue. I've gotten much better at not doing this, so that's a plus. However, I seem 'stuck'. If I'm feeling loving, I want to pull back. Yes, we have our issues. Yes, things aren't always great - but when we work things out, I proceed with full caution instead of accepting what we discussed and moving on. It's as if I want to hang on to this stance to avoid it happening again, which, of course, it absolutely does not guarantee. Being able to say "I knew you'd do this again" is not going to be any comfort if he does cheat again. So why hang on?

Does anyone else feel this way?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that when you've been traumatized, it's very hard to dip your feet in the water again. Many of us take months/years before we venture in. Even with a remorseful spouse, when you've been lied to, especially many times, it's hard to jump in again. You keep waiting for something bad to happen.
It took me two years before I thought something other than worse case scenario. Because that's actually what happened to me twice. I had some TT when I caught him a 2nd time so really, its going to be a long long time until I can do this. With peace in my brain, ya know?
So, the going is slow. But with time, and with our spouse's help, we can get there. I Think it just takes time.
Some people can make that leap without a net. Others can not.
Hugs painful!

[This message edited by rachelc at 2:13 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5778 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
knutz
♀ 28877
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the same boat. I am 4.5 years out. SAWH is doing everything right. Everything. I am standing at a crossroad trying to figure out which way to go. I love him. I want to grow old with him. He is not acting out in any way. But -- I can't take that leap forward to reconcile fully.

Rachelc is right -- we were traumatized. I think we are so afraid of them doing this again we feel we can't let our guard down. Sometimes I think coming here on SI & reading other people stories triggers me -- it fuels the fire of -- the wall of protection around me. If I get angry at other people's partners it reminds me of what he did. If I stay angry -- then I can protect myself from the pain of him doing it again. Round & round & round!!

My IC tells me to live "in the moment", or at least try. Very difficult. Hard not to be triggered daily -- spouses of sex addicts have triggers all around us -- massage parlors (legit or not), Victoria's Secret (huge trigger for me), national scandals about cheaters with escorts, etc. it's everywhere. No wonder we are feeling this way.

I pray it gets better for all of us.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 237 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
PreachersWife1
♀ 40856
Member # 40856
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only one year since DDay and I'm in the exact same boat. Maybe even worse because I don't have a 100% remorseful WH. I often wonder why anyone would stay with a cheater, much less one that's done it multiple times. Mine got caught PA/EA last year. But I often go back to August 2009 when we were married only 8 months and I caught him on two websites, posting that he was married but looking for discreet fun. I said back then that I would NEVER tolerate anything like this from him again....and here we are. He actually acted on the impulses I've always feared were inside him. So now what? Do I go on and hope he's learned his lesson? WHY do we stay with these people? I can't even bring myself to say that I'm IN love with him. Painfulpast, I agree totally. The "I knew this would happen again" sentiment is not at all comforting. It won't sting any less next time. I think we all cling to the hope that this time, they will change. What if I leave and he becomes the man I wanted him to be when I married him? And rachelc is right...some can leap without a net. I'm just not sure I'm one of them :(


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 47
Children: His - 10, but I am MOM
Married: almost 5 years, together 7
DDay: July 11, 2013 PA/EA caught via hidden video camera at my own home :(
Working towards R...but every day is a struggle.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: TX
Lalagirl
♀ 14576
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that when you've been traumatized, it's very hard to dip your feet in the water again. Many of us take months/years before we venture in. Even with a remorseful spouse, when you've been lied to, especially many times, it's hard to jump in again. You keep waiting for something bad to happen.

I agree and I've been there and on occasion, even seven years out, still am a little guarded. I have PTSD from FWH's EAs, and I'd say I'm 95% better...but there's still that 5%.

The dreaded four-letter word - TIME. It probably took 3-4 years before I could honestly say I felt relatively trustful of FWH. And then after that, it took more time to allow myself to feel vulnerable with him, to lean on him, to fully love him...

R is a forever process, painfulpast, but it does get easier.

Hugs...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 3 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5173 | Registered: May 2007
Topic Posts: 5

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