OK - so here's the thing. The A comes up very infrequently. I come here often, mostly to see how others are doing and progressing, and partly because (I think) part of me wants to remind myself how painful all of this is/was.
Every time we have a fight, I am brought right back. I struggle to stay on topic when I want to scream "Well F YOU!!! You're just a whore cheater anyway!!!" because obviously, that isn't what the world is about, and going there is just my way of avoiding any other issue. I've gotten much better at not doing this, so that's a plus. However, I seem 'stuck'. If I'm feeling loving, I want to pull back. Yes, we have our issues. Yes, things aren't always great - but when we work things out, I proceed with full caution instead of accepting what we discussed and moving on. It's as if I want to hang on to this stance to avoid it happening again, which, of course, it absolutely does not guarantee. Being able to say "I knew you'd do this again" is not going to be any comfort if he does cheat again. So why hang on?
Does anyone else feel this way?
[This message edited by rachelc at 2:13 PM, July 28th (Monday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
Rachelc is right -- we were traumatized. I think we are so afraid of them doing this again we feel we can't let our guard down. Sometimes I think coming here on SI & reading other people stories triggers me -- it fuels the fire of -- the wall of protection around me. If I get angry at other people's partners it reminds me of what he did. If I stay angry -- then I can protect myself from the pain of him doing it again. Round & round & round!!
My IC tells me to live "in the moment", or at least try. Very difficult. Hard not to be triggered daily -- spouses of sex addicts have triggers all around us -- massage parlors (legit or not), Victoria's Secret (huge trigger for me), national scandals about cheaters with escorts, etc. it's everywhere. No wonder we are feeling this way.
I pray it gets better for all of us.
I think that when you've been traumatized, it's very hard to dip your feet in the water again. Many of us take months/years before we venture in. Even with a remorseful spouse, when you've been lied to, especially many times, it's hard to jump in again. You keep waiting for something bad to happen.
I agree and I've been there and on occasion, even seven years out, still am a little guarded. I have PTSD from FWH's EAs, and I'd say I'm 95% better...but there's still that 5%.
The dreaded four-letter word - TIME. It probably took 3-4 years before I could honestly say I felt relatively trustful of FWH. And then after that, it took more time to allow myself to feel vulnerable with him, to lean on him, to fully love him...
R is a forever process, painfulpast, but it does get easier.