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A lot of healing took place! So what am I so worried about?

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needfriendshere posted 7/28/2014 13:53 PM

This post is actually a positive one - or it should be. Now, I know we are not supposed to post "religious" threads and please believe me, that is NOT what this is. It just so happened to begin in church...

Yesterday, my H, our 19-year-old DS and I all went to church together. The message was amazing and, afterward, as the people were filing out, none of us could move. We just sat in our seats and all 3 of us were crying. It's like the words we had just heard were meant for us and us alone and that they had reached in and touched our very broken hearts.

For the first time, my H apologized to our son (who found out about the A over a month ago). He first told me how awful he had treated me for the past 6+ years and begged me to forgive him. He then told my son that he knows he was a terrible father during that time BECAUSE of how he had been treating us all during his affair years and he asked for his forgiveness too. My son was crying as he told his father that he forgave and loved him. But before that, we both admitted that, yes, he had been both a shitty husband and a shitty father. And we elaborated on those facts a bit. It was cathartic.

I think of the healing that took place in church and am thrilled. My H had avoided confronting my son - out of shame, I believe - and that had bothered me. But now that it's "out there", I am afraid that 1.) it will lead to me not hiding what is still going on around my son (and maybe I should), and 2.) it will lead to more "questions" on my son's part. My son had about a hundred of them for me. He even found out who the OW was and stalked her online for a while, telling me that he could not understand what my H had seen in her. Last night, he took a walk alone and then hid in his room the rest of the night. His wheels are spinning...

I guess I am afraid that another can of worms has been opened, just after so much healing had taken place between my H and me. Do you know what I mean? I mean, my son deserves to have it out with his dad. But I don't know. I guess it's the timing - like he'll be beating a dead horse. Maybe my H deserves it and my son needs it. But I have so many mixed feelings about what happened yesterday - not all of them good. What is wrong with me???

painfulpast posted 7/28/2014 13:59 PM

Nothing is wrong with you. The last few months have been very painful, and you're in a somewhat good place, or at least a place that's better than it's been in recent history. Fear of regression is normal.

The thing is, your son needs to understand what happened as well. Just as you wondered why you weren't enough, your son wonders why he meant so little. Yes, it's a different relationship, but the same questions apply.

It sounds like your H is remorseful. If he is, then this shouldn't be an issue. Also, seeing your H work through this with your son could be very healing for you. You'll be able to see your H's work from a distance and gain a new perspective on this.

Always remember, if things go poorly in any scenario, they would have gone poorly eventually. Better now than later, I believe.

needfriendshere posted 7/28/2014 15:34 PM

Painfulpast, thank you so much! It seems that you are all so much wiser than I am. I don't know what I would do without this site. Honestly.

I could not get out of bed this morning and didn't hit the shower until after 3:00. I was dragging in a state of "why does every single aspect of this shitty situation hurt so much?"

I am so protective of my sons that I once chased a teen-aged driver, who gave my then 4-year-old son the finger, all the way to the airport parking lot about 30 miles away to read him the riot act. So I see my son hurting - again - over all this, and it just kills me.

My H's selfishness has left such a long trail of hurt - from an OW who feels she was dropped flat in the most degrading manner (she was), to my once-the-most-positive-person-I-knew 19-year old son. And everyone in between.

Yes, painfulpast, the last few months have been VERY painful. And I seem to regress at every turn. Whenever I feel that I am so over this and now I can go on with my life, it hits me in the face all over again. What I guess I am feeling ashamed about today is that yesterday was an awesome day of forgiveness and I have turned it into another day in the duldrums.

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