My DD was exactly one week ago. The fog seems to have begun to lift for WH as soon as he told me. It was an 8 month affair that seems to have been mostly sex.
I had asked him to leave as soon as I learned of the affair because I just couldn't stand it if he was still with her. The day after he told me he went to his mom's and stayed there. We spoke the next day and he cut off contact with the OW and has tried to begin the process of showing me how remorseful he is, but I know this is going to be a long hard road. I let him come home yesterday following the guidlines I have found here.
But I admit a part of letting him come home was the relief that he wasn't with her. I still feel destroyed by this knowledge and am beginning IC because I simply don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to do with the pain.
Any advice or opinions are welcome, I am just trying to survive day by day and sometimes minute by minute.
Lots of advice is coming your way, you are in the right place. For now, a few thoughts:
- take care of yourself (and kids, if any) first and foremost. He's been very selfish. You need to make sure you are cared for and you can't leave it up to him.
- 1 week is very short to come out of the fog. It's likely he's still in it, which means it's likely he's still deceiving you.
- read all you can in the JFO forum. There's a standard play book for cheaters, and you should be aware of how these things play out.
You are in for a difficult road but you can get through it. Take care, and learn from our mistakes.
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
Welcome to the club no-one wants to join. It's going to be a rollercoaster but you will survive. There's plenty of help in the Healing Library(yellow box on left)and that's a great place to start. Your desire to want to have him home as a way to prevent contact with her is a common feeling among the newly betrayed, but you'll want to drive this from now on:
- proof of No Contact (it rarely happens so soon after D-Day
- STD tests for both of you - no physical contact until then
- Your requirements - MC? IC for him? Make them clear and make them non-negotiable boundaries
It will be hard, you may want to "nice" him back but I can assure you that won't work. Only when you make him understand that he REALLY could lose you will the dyanmic change.
The affairs almost always have to do with the cheater and their own issues and weaknesses and very little to do with the spouse they cheated on.
Just about every relationship has issues. In many, the betrayed spouse rightly should have more issues than the cheater, yet doesn't take that path.
How long have you been married? Kids?
He needs IC and he needs to be willing to dig deep. Do not feel bad about having standards for a respectable and safe partnership. Do not ease up after a few months. It's long hard work for us all. You can only R with a committed WS. If you feel his commitment waning, speak up so R has the chance to get on track.
Keep posting here. We are here for you and rooting for your marriage.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
I am just trying to survive day by day and sometimes minute by minute.
Sometimes that is all you can do, especially in the early stages!
Understand that this is very much a grieving process, and hopefully it turns into a healing process. It will get a little bit easier as time goes by. Post and read here on SI and you will begin to learn about that process. Post to ask and learn, and post to vent when you just want to get rid of some of the pain.
Go easy on yourself during this process. The issues that your WH has are his issues, he needs to fix them you can't do it for him! Focus your energy on taking care of you (and kids if applicable), everything you do should be about your security, your safety, and your health.
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
I don't think he's out of the fog, just that maybe it lifted a little.
He put a no contact into effect over the phone, which I listened to (he's dyslexic, writing will never be his thing). While he was at his Mom's he called several time every evening from her landline so I would know he was there.
Because of the dyslexia he is not a computer person. I am the only one at home with a computer. However, it did turn out he had another cell phone which we returned. (and that still freaks me out, that he would go that far)I have however, printed the detailed usage records of the cell phones from when the affair began up until now. The very first night I downloaded a "where's my app" so spent the first couple nights checking it. Have stopped that because it hurt to much. But still have it just in case.
He is scheduled for STD testing tomorrow and the report will be sent to the house so I can see it.
We have been together 17 years and married 15, no children. I will acknowledge we had some issues and I don't think either one of us was very happy. In no way do I accept any responsibility for this affair. He screwed up, not me. The IC is for me because I just need help dealing with this and determining how to go on. Sometimes I am not sure I want to go on with this.
I think you are right about a tendency to try to "nice" them back. I am trying to watch that and avoid it. It is very hard sometimes.
My main concern right now is that I think he tends to try and deflect blame. He will say "I am the one who screwed up" but then follow it with "we lost communication, intimacy or whatever and I have bring it back to "Yes, you screwed up, period". This is something that will have to change.
But this is all still so new, a lot of things will need to change. I have no idea where we will end up. I am just trying to not to do too many things wrong and get through it the best I can.
Thank you all again for the support, advice and encouragement.
I am so sorry. We all feel your pain. My anniversary of my DDay is this Thursday, One year ! I can tell you that you will get through this and all the pain will get better.
So the no contact with the OW is obviously important. Your "H" has to make sure that he is 100% honest with that. That part was easy as the OW "stalked" me in everyway possible and he identity was revealed to me by law enforcement, so my H freaked out on her and never wanted anything to do with her. The OW made hundreds of blicked ID calls to me day and night and I had a tracer out on my cell phone by police. He has confronted her before I knew and asked her if it was her doing this to me and she lied to him and said, "no". After she was caught, she continued to "stalk" me and was finally arrested and I have been in court for almost a year now. A HUGE mess that my H created.
Get tested for STD's and make sure he gives you the paperwork for his stating he is OK
Cheaters minimize, so you may not have the full story yet. Ask as many questions as you want. Get all the details if you need to. I wanted all the details and some of them were VERY painful for me to hear, but I needed that.
Take care of YOU. Eat, drink, exercise, take your vitamins. I got very sick from not eating. I just stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. Then, I got sick with a virus. My anger issues put my in impactive kick boxing and I herniated several discs in my back. Don't do what I did. Take care of you.
I think the only way we have made it this far is from going to couples therapy. We went for almost a year and I am still going.
You are going to have good and bad days. Happy moments too though. You can do this !!! Stay strong. Big HUgs to you
Everyone else, thank you too. I really would like to resign from this club, but I guess what's done, can't be undone.