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Does anyone feel they did their WS wrong?

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Deanna posted 7/28/2014 16:35 PM

I just read on another forum Why did you stay?
It got me thinking. I stayed because I owed it to my husband to give him another chance. You see I do not blame myself for the affair but I do blame myself for setting our marriage up for failure.

Everyone came before my husband in my life; friends, family, everyone.
I never considered my husband my best friend.
My husband is very affectionate and I would recoil to his attempts
I gave up on our marriage long before he did
I married him for the wrong reasons

So, I owed this man a chance to redeem himself. I am so glad I did because we are having the best years of our marriage right now!

StillLivin posted 7/28/2014 16:47 PM

Did he try over and over to tell you he had a problem with the M? If he did, then it's a good thing you too were able to give your M an honest and critical once over and assessed that you were going to work on it from your angle.
If he didn't communicate to you his unhappiness, and just selfishly had an A, I don't think you need to feel guilt for his decisions. I also don't think you owed him the gift of R. Though I am happy that it worked out for you and you both realize your love for each other.
I was a fantastic wife. My X was my every waking and oftentimes sleeping thought. I did everything, including bringing him his plate of food every night. We rarely argued, and can only recall in 10 years of ever shouting more than 3x. Even then, the fights we did have were about how he wasn't treating me with respect and wasn't keeping his promises to put me first. I did communicate my unhappiness, but didn't have an A. He used my communications with him against me and blamed it for him having an A because I was never happy with anything he did. That was so not true.
So, no, I have no feelings of guilt. I did offer R, but he acted a damn fool and decided he was leaving me when he got back from his deployment so I beat him to the punch. I had to pull R off the table and file for LS and then D.

Ostrich80 posted 7/28/2014 17:40 PM

I wouldnt call what you did or didn't do, "doing him wrong".
I'm sure we all could have been a better partner at times. Life happens and sometimes you pull apart but hopefully get back on track. I made some poor choices as far as my M goes, I was preoccupied, stressed out, and distant and for that I'm regretful. I'm sad that he chose to cheat and I'm sad that he felt like I didn't care but I felt alone too. I guess as adults we should and could.have handled it differently. I don't think you should feel guilty or responsible Deena, there were better wayshhe could have handled it. I am happy for you guys though, I hope it keeps getting better!

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 5:42 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

Deanna posted 7/28/2014 19:28 PM

My husband never expressed that he was unhappy. He absolutely did the selfish thing and had an affair. I am guilty because I didn't love him as a wife should. I am talking from wedding on.
For those reasons, but not only those reasons, I offered him R. I personally needed to see how our marriage survived when my heart was in the right place.
I will never take the blame for the affair. He had choices.

plainpain posted 7/28/2014 19:56 PM

I don't think anyone here can look back without regrets. I could have done a million things differently. It's all hindsight. I think it was important for me to verbalize my own remorse to my WH, and to acknowledge that I also hurt him - I honestly was never able to see those things because he never ever told me. As far as I knew, I could do no wrong in his eyes. It helped him to see that I was willing to take steps towards him, if not exactly meeting him half way.

I have done a lot of self-examination as part of building a new marriage. I would never, ever say I did wrong by him. I was a good wife and I adored him. He had my trust and my respect. His choice to not value that is 100% on him.

BtraydWife posted 7/28/2014 22:18 PM

Nope! I was loving and fair. I had realistic expectations of life. And I had no idea how emotionally immature he was. We talked often, we shared. He just faked a lot of it. He played me from the start and eventually his game fell apart.

Not all cheaters had it rough. Some had everything they ever wanted and couldn't appreciate it because of their issues.

Deanna posted 7/29/2014 20:28 PM

I just want you to know that I know many BS have been wonderful to the WS. I unfortunately made some mistakes in my marriage that contributed to our marital problems. I do not for one second think I am responsible for my husbands cheating. We were both very unhappy, he chose to cheat and I chose to mentally leave the marriage.

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