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looking back and forward...

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justme1264 posted 7/28/2014 20:16 PM

I hit a point earlier this month when I sat for while, alone, and in the dark to think about the situation I was in. I looked back on my life and saw so much pain, trauma, triumphs, and adversity. I took an honest look at my life, my choices, my character, and mostly my integrity. I saw something to be really proud of. I saw a man who no matter what happens, I always lean on my integrity to guide me through. There was a time when I even nearly lost my life, but I faced the problem, fought through it with tooth and nail even, and walked out the other side wiser, stronger, and healed. Now I see this part of my life, I see the betrayal and damage it has caused. Little by little I have acted again on this inner integrity, and once again, I look in the mirror and can smile. Through it all, my self-esteem has taken a royal gutting. But I hold faith in the fact I can live knowing I have no regrets or shame because I acted on integrity.

Everyone deals with their issues and unfortunate events in their lives on their own terms and in their own way. For me, I put on my head phones, tie my running shoes, and run till I taste blood in my mouth. I wrap my hands and hit that heavy bag till the calluses break and I feel the skin ripping off my knuckles. The human body is an amazing machine. I find inner strength and a certain peace when I can "feel" my body breaking down, because I know it will heal and grow back even stronger than before.

This emotional and spiritual breaking of sorts from my broken marriage will be no different. There is a saying I learned in a training camp, "blood makes the grass grow green." There is such wisdom and truth in those words.

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