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He cheated and left, yet says he's going to make my life hell

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Classylassy posted 7/28/2014 20:39 PM

Six months ago I gave birth to our third child, and 4 months ago, I found out that my husband had a girlfriend, and several previous relationships prior to that.
He has been all over the map. When I first found out, he wouldn't speak to me or apologize. He blamed me for his cheating, and said he had been unhappy for a very long time. That was news to me since we tried for 18 months to get pregnant with our third child, and he told me every day that he loved me. Anyway, 2 months ago, he told me that he was done with his girlfriend, and he BEGGED me to take him back. He told me that I meant everything to him, and that he couldn't function or survive without me and his kids. He told me he would do counselling and go to the doctors to get on medication and that he would do anything to prove to me that I was the only woman he would want for the rest of his life. I told him that he needed to get help first, and then we could try counselling, but that there was no guarantee that the marriage would survive. He told me he took a week off of work for stress leave, to clear his head to be a better man for me and the kids.
Then I found out that he never even took a week of stress leave... he went on vacation with his girlfriend. They had never even broken up. I confronted him, and he said, "yep, I'm with her, I'm done with you, I'm happier than I've ever been and I want nothing to do with you." Every other day he texts me telling me he loves me, then telling me he hates me.
We are separated, and he has his own apartment. He brings the kids to his apartment and has his girlfriend spend the night there. They are very confused and hurt about the whole thing, but he doesn't care. He has now recently told me that he is going to bury me in debt and do everything in his power to ruin my life. My lawyer emailed me today, notifying me of a letter she got from his lawyer, where he was flat out lying about things he claims I've done, that I haven't.
He blames me 100% for his cheating and says I poisoned our marriage, I poisoned him, that I was a horrible wife and a horrible mother, etc, etc. Every single person who knows me, said that I went above and beyond for my husband. I truly loved him, and would ask him all the time how I could be a good wife to him.
I am just blown away that he can lie, betray me, cheat over and over again, demean my character, and then say that I ruined his life, and that he is going to destroy me. I have felt enough pain, why does he want to cause me more???

BtraydWife posted 7/28/2014 20:48 PM

He has to behave as if those lies are true so he doesn't have to admit how much of a jackass he is.
He's a horrible husband and father. He will run you down to avoid facing his reality. He doesn't have to feel bad about any of the shady skanky stuff he has done if he can twist it and blame you for it. It's textbook cheater spewage. We know it's all bullshit.

I'm so glad you have a lawyer. Don't play nice with him, get every little thing you and the kids will need.

I'm so sorry you had to join us here but you've found a safe place where we all understand.

Best thing to do with him at this point is completely ignore him. Everything except factual kid info goes through your lawyer s.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 8:49 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

healingroad posted 7/28/2014 21:05 PM

Gently: it doesn't matter why he does what he does. He is a lost cause. Do everything in your power to get away from this man and protect your children.

[This message edited by mhca at 9:19 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

positively4thst posted 7/28/2014 21:09 PM

Sorry you are going through this. All I can say is that it appears your relationship is over and you best take cover. All his "threats" that he will bury you and you were never a good mother, blah blah blah (while he is screwing random woman) hold no weight in court. Block him, protect yourself and your kids, and dream of a life beyond this madness.

Neverwudaguessed posted 7/28/2014 21:15 PM

So sorry that this is the situation that you are now in. It is horrible especially as a new mother and a terrible situation for your kids. I would document everything from now on, every little detail. Save the tests; print them out and just keep good records of it all. The kids and you should be in counseling as well to deal with this crazy making situation that your husband created. So sorry for what he is putting you all through. It certainly goes without saying that none of you deserve this in any way. Keep posting and please reach out to friends and family for support and to give you opportunity to rest and replenish. As the primary caregiver of your children, and with what you are enduring, you will need others to help you get through this, but you can do it; you really can. ((classylassy))

lovesobroken posted 7/29/2014 00:06 AM

He sounds bipolar and NPD. Try reading up on that he seems to fit both. Just ignore him and preserve your interests, I think he may take advvatage of any emotion of yours now sadly.

atreides posted 7/29/2014 00:29 AM

I am so sorry, wow! As others have said and you made clear, he needs meds first, but still a lot of this anger towards you is from his guilt. It is easier to turn the guilt off by hating.

Gosh, a 6 month old and this hell is going on... what a jackass.

First off a hug to you, then he needs his meds and you need to set serious guidelines, i mean serious guidelines and you stick to them or he is out in order to keep you. Just hoping he will come around is not going to cut it. Infidelity is an addiction and addicts inherently don't quit until an intervention takes place.

bigskyblues posted 7/29/2014 02:34 AM

Classylassy, he is broken in a way you will never understand. This is not about you in any way shape or form, it is about a very broken WH.You did not break him and you can not fix him!

mhca gave you some good advice. It is time to protect you and the kids and get away from this man, nothing good can com from him. Please consult with a lawyer and see what is best way to accomplish that!


stronger08 posted 7/29/2014 02:58 AM

Believe him !!!!!!!!!

hopefulmom44 posted 7/29/2014 05:27 AM

Classy-my heart goes out to you & your kids. One thing I suggest is for you to block him from being with girlfriend while he has the kids. My attorney did it in my case. Be strong. Keep posting and reading the forumns it will help you. Sending hugs for you and kids.

Catwoman posted 7/29/2014 05:27 AM

You can wonder about why until the cows come home, but that is not a good use of your time right now.

I'm glad you have an attorney. DO NOT let your WH suck you in to his drama. Your favorite phrases right now are "I'm sorry you feel that way," "I will take that under advisement," and "That is a matter for the attorneys to deal with." Period.

Limit all discussions to finances and children. Period.

I would 180 him HARD. You see, an affair is like a three-legged stool. Easy to manage as long as all the legs are there, right? In fact, it's downright comfy. Now, take one of the legs off (you). Not quite so comfy now, isn't it? In fact, it's quite the balancing act. By taking yourself OUT of the equation, you not only preserve your sanity, you get to sit back and watch him deal with only two legs on his stool. He wants out? Well, OUT looks like this: Child support, possibly spousal support, half his retirement and other assets going to you . . . not quite the paradise he imagined it would be.

I don't know if you're in a fault state or not. I hope you are, as you might be able to swing a more favorable distribution to you if you are. Even if you are not, assets he used to finance the affair are subject to distribution, meaning you get half or more.

Expect him to lie. It's what they do. Fortunately, judges and attorneys are very used to it. I hope you hired a real shark, because I will enjoy watching you take him to the cleaners. He's given you a lot to work with.

But take YOU out of his ego kibble mix. Don't rise to his bait, don't call him, don't engage with him. Cool and professional is the demeanor you are striving for. Not mean, just cool. Not sinking to his level of insults, but professional. Write EVERY communication to him as if a judge were going to read it. I would limit everything to email or text. No verbal.

It gets better--I promise.


lilacs40 posted 7/29/2014 05:44 AM

I agree with the others. Ignore, ignore ignore. All communication goes through lawyers. And please if you have joint credit cards close TODAY!! If possible move half of money from whatever checking/ savings accounts are open. If he says he wants to bury you in debt he just might do that. And if he runs credit card bills up you may be responsible for half even if you get nothing of what he buys. At the very least talk to the lawyer about what you would be on the hook for.

I'm sure it seems overwhelming with all the emotional crap but you have to protect you and the kids.

So sorry you're here but you will get great advice and support.

painfulpast posted 7/29/2014 08:39 AM

He sounds bipolar and NPD.

He sounds like an asshole, but NPD? There's nothing here that suggests that. Not sure on bipolar as I don't know much on that topic, but claiming NPD off of a few back and forth moves and lies?

sorry - too many throw that around as a 'catch all'. ANY cheater will appear NPD as the signs are selfishness and delusional thinking.

Classylassy posted 7/29/2014 10:17 AM

Thank you for all of your responses. I live in Canada where there is a no fault rule. We are both from Ontario. We were together for 12 years. He is 38, I am 31 (his girlfriend is 23). Four years ago, his work dried up in Ontario, and he came out to Saskatchewan to work. He was here for 2 years while I remained in Ontario with the kids, and he would fly home every two months. Then 2 yrs ago, the kids and I moved to Saskatchewan to be with him. I have zero family or support in this province. I moved here solely to be with my husband. Then he left me for his girlfriend and now claims that I will never be allowed to leave this province with his children. I have to take him to court to fight to be able to leave, and my lawyer said it will cost me a minimum of $10,000, and I only have about a 50/50 chance of winning. He only takes the kids for one night every other weekend. That's 24 nights our of 365 days, and he has every single weekend off. It feels surreal that this is my life right now. He has told his lawyer that I am keeping the kids from him which is a flat out lie. I NEVER deny him from seeing them or speaking to them. He has also told his lawyer that our home is in shambles and falling to the ground. It was built 2 years ago, and has a couple markings on the walls, and some paint spilled in the garage, and that's it. His lawyer argues that's reason for him to get the house because I'm incapable of maintaining it. I can't believe how low and nasty he is getting. I think he's very mentally ill, I just don't know with what. He has even cut his wrist and taken pictures of it to show me that he wants to die and can't live without me. Then turns around and says he doesn't want me. I don't want any contact with him at this point because he is irrational and delusional.

Hopetosurvive98 posted 7/29/2014 10:30 AM

Classy, first of all I am so very sorry you are dealing with such madness. You have it right-he is delusional. No contact is best. You have a lawyer let him/her handle it and you go NC. Document everything! Document when he has the kids, take photos of the home inside and out. Anything he is is accusing you of gather proof to squash it. Keep any texts or emails he sends. Proof of his absolute insanity and his crazy lies is a must. He is not your husband anymore he is the enemy-sorry.
Also, maybe your lawyer needs to work on making sure that the children are not staying at his home if his girlfriend is there. It only serves to hurt and confuse them and until you are divorced they should not be exposed to her. Possibly supervised visitations too? He seems so unstable Im not sure how safe Id feel with him alone with the kids. Keep any proof of how unbalanced he is-do you still have the cut wrists photos? Keep them.

Best thing you can do is NC him and save yourself. Believe him that he plans to destroy you and proceed accordingly. He will lie his ass off to get what he wants so protect yourself and arm yourself with proof. There is no saving this and continuing any contact is only going to further hurt you. Let the lawyers handle it and protect yourself and your children. We are all here for you.

Kajem posted 7/29/2014 10:40 AM

My advice, no more talking to him!!!! The only way you have to fight him is by documenting all the crazy stuff that comes from him. In order to document (reliably for court) is to have a way for it to be date/time stamped such as email or text. Use those exclusively when dealing with him.

Print it all out and keep a file in order- in case someone wants to follow the conversation it will all be there.

Whether or not he is NPD or bipolar he is acting crazy. Please protect yourself by doing your best to prove ( paper trail) him wrong/ crazy.

Relying on the court to see them as they are isn't going to work. You need to show just how unstable and full of hatred toward you he is!

Good luck!

Ps. In the I Can Relate room is a thread for those dealing with NPD. It might be helpful to meet others dealing with crazy/hate filled/selfish people. Divorce and separation is another place to look for help.

Classylassy posted 7/29/2014 11:05 AM

I just read through the healing library. When they talked about the cheater feeling inferior to their spouse, I think that hit the nail on the head with my husband. He would always tell me that I was elevated on a pedestal, and that he could never be as perfect as I am. He would call me, "Saint C" (my name). Although his girlfriend is younger than me, she isn't as attractive as me. My husband as even told me that I am prettier by far. He has said so many times over the past 4 months, "I didn't feel loved and needed by you." I constantly told him and showed him that I loved him, but I think he was dealing with his own insecurities, that he didn't believe me when I'd tell him. He is very attractive and built, and even has a good job where he makes very decent money. He came from nothing though, and I think he's always struggled with insecurities. I think he's searching for a void that he will never find in another person. His girlfriend may stroke his ego for a while, but I know it won't last. Their relationship was built on lies and betrayal (since she didn't know he was married or had children for the first 6 months of their relationship). Everything will come crashing down around him, and I feel sorry for him when that day comes, but it's not fair to me to put up with his irrational behaviour. I think walking away is the best thing I can do for him, and for myself.

Classylassy posted 7/29/2014 11:31 AM

I would like if he could be drug tested as well as evaluated for his mental stability. Not sure if that's a possibility. The one girl who he was seeing for 18 months, told me he does cocaine, takes steroids, and drinks heavily. That's not safe for the kids, and could explain his irrational behaviour. I already had a realtor come into the home, and he said other than minor cosmetic things, like markings on some of the walls, the home is completely fine. I kept the pictures of his wrist, and I will pass that along to my lawyer. I have asked him not to have his girlfriend around when the kids are with him, because it's damaging to them, since they still cry about wanting their parents together. We have a 9 yr old DD, a 5 yr old DS, and a 6 month old DS. The very first time they met her, she spent the night, and they saw their dad in bed with her. Talk about confusing.

steppingup posted 7/29/2014 11:41 AM

Sounds like the typical cake eating ahole, liar, theif, double standard loving, family hating, got caught with hand in the cookie car man.

Lovely, now...your next husband will be nothing shy of 100% better.

Good luck!

BtraydWife posted 7/29/2014 13:41 PM

You seem to understand him well with his insecurities and not being able to fill his void with another person. That's exactly right.

I'm sorry. I know understanding that doesn't make it hurt any less. Since he sees the kids so infrequently it will be easier to not engage with him. If he writes or calls, don't respond and don't pick up the phone. Post here when you want to communicate with him and people here will help you through the situation. Go dark and quiet on him.

Document the times he sees the kids and do insist he be tested for drug use. It is a danger to the kids. I have no idea how things work in Canada but don't back down from protecting your kids.

The wrist pictures should help establish that he's the one that has lost his mind. Don't worry about what his lawyer tells him. That lawyer is misinformed and will find out in the future.

Plus your husband is a liar and liars lie, so there's that. Consider everything he says to be bullshit.

Since you are pretty much alone there, post here a lot. Someone's always here and we want to help.

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