SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I'm married...my first infidelity happened a few months ago ...a one time deal in a crappy hotel room. My second lover I started falling for and we ended up having sex 3 times....none of my encounters were satisfying as I could not get out of my head so it sssoooo wasnt worth it!!! I cried for days and my hubby knew something was up so I confessed... he's actually talking to me and says he forgives me!! Problem is I feel so guilty I feel like dying...I can't get over the fact that I've cheated/will never be trusted/I feel ashamed and I feel like a whore as the men I were involved with were married w/ kids...how do I start to work through this pain and agony?!?

[This message edited by BreezyBear at 9:56 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

Have you and your H considered marriage counseling?

The guilt is something you'll need to work through, but as equally as important is for you to work on figuring why you let yourself break such important boundaries.

Getting to the bottom of *why* will help prevent you from doing this in the future.

It's good to have you with us

Sorry that you are here, but I hope this site can help.

Guilt is a natural reaction to what we did. It is something that you'll have to learn to get through. It will take time and work. IC would be a good idea.

You will also need to feel your husband's pain and loss. In addition to shame for what you did, you should understand how you hurt him.

Go to the Healing Library for some background work. Ask questions here. Hang in there.

Hello and welcome, BreezyBear.

In addition to the other suggestions, there is also a really good post here in the Wayward forum called "Things that every WS needs to know".

Your husband is calm right now, but he could also be in shock, or perhaps has a lot of stuff boiling under the surface. Sometimes still waters run deep.

It's here in the WS forum, or you can copy and paste this link into your browser to access the article:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

I think counseling is a good idea. My wife and I got the most out of IC, or individual counseling, where we worked through our individual issues. MC, or marriage counseling, can also be very helpful when working through communication issues, expressing wants/needs etc.

A really good book to read is Not "Just" Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. I saw that you already have seen the recommendation for How to "Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" By Linda McDonald in another thread. The McDonald book is very short, very to the point, and a great place to get you on a quick start in the direction you need to go. The Glass book is much longer, and goes more in depth about how affairs start to happen with the "slippery slope", boundaries, etc. I highly recommend both books.

Glad you found us here. Keep us updated on how things go, or if there is any questions that you have. Best of luck!

Thank you so much for your comments. There is many reasons I believe I strayed and the biggest is living in a sexless marriage...it is so damn painful. I grew up believing that men always wanted it but that is not the case in my scenario...my husband has no libido...blames it on low sex drive, low self esteem, depression..he has had testosterone levels checked and his been through some therapy with no changes. Well I am 32 years old... and I need sex and to feel that love and connection and I tell my husband this and I get "I'll work on things" but he really doesn't take any steps to change...so I went outside my marriage and looked for "sexy chat" which turned into much more and now the guilt and remorse I feel is unbearable I want to die. I have had 2 men in quick succession, one "quickie" and 1 affair that lasted about 1 month and we slept together 3 times.. then he dumped me and that too was so painful, I feel like a whore. I feel so awful...here I've had multiple partners and my husband has only slept with me..one partner in his whole life and he says he never wants another... I almost want him to be with someone else so I don't feel sssooo guilty but he won't...I want him to have a "hall pass" but he won't...so here I am, multiple partners before marriage (before my husband entered the picture) and I've had 2 crappy affairs..all at the age of 32:( I'm heartbroken. I feel like a complete and utter failure in life.

Dear Breezybear, I also cheated for many reasons, but chief among them living in a sexless marriage. I tried many times to get my BH to address the issue, and he basically refused and/or blamed me for the issues. Before I cheated, I asked him to go to counseling and he refused. What I should have done was give him an ultimatum that he must go to counseling, or we divorce, but I was too weak to do that. So I cheated. BH found out and I feel absolutely filled with shame and remorse. We have just started marital counseling.

thank you healing journey... I feel so alone ...it's good to know that there are others in the same boat, it has been devastating for me. I did not ever think I (the guilty) one would suffer through so much crap...not that I don't deserve it!

Breezybear, My D-Day was very recent and I have been suffering very much since all of this came out. I cry every day and just looking at my husband's face makes me want to cry, even at times when he is not in distress. I also feel like a complete and utter failure.

My BH sounds similar to yours. He hasn't forgiven me yet but he's been decent to me. Which I don't deserve. He did tell me that he doesn't want to see me wallowing in pain. He wants me to help him heal, so that is what I am trying to focus my energy on doing. Try to do that with your BH. Ask him what he needs and try your best to give that to him.

Hi breezy bear

Welcome to SI. I feel your pain 100%. I promise you that it does ease up a bit but I strongly suggest counselling since that helped me a lot.

The road to R is long and exhausting. Are you prepared to work on this journey with your BH? And not out of guilt but out of love and determination to help him heal and to improve yourself?

I understand that living in a sexless marriage would be painful however there is more to it than that. You need to own your bad choices and not place blame. I blamed my BH for ignoring me while he was away for work. He barely called and never replied to my emails. It was crushing me but it's my fault I cheated. I should have forced counselling or left him. As you know cheating didn't solve anything and made everything much worse. The problem with the sexless marriage will always be there unless he decides to work on himself.

You won't be able to force your BH to work on his issues. Hopefully he takes ownership of his failures in the marriage because being depressed is no way to live unmedicated.

If you are both able to work hard on the marriage while you own the affairs, you will have a good chance at staying together. My BH hasn't taken any steps on his side of the bargain and our R has struggled for the past year.

And I agree with losfer words... The anger may still be there just under the surface. We didn't hit anger stage until a year after I confessed to him. A whole year! And it's been ugly ever since. A lot of people will say it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. They are right. After 2 years we aren't even close

Please keep posting and getting support here. It will be your lifeline

I cry alot too... my BH is a very kind and patient man that I have always loved, saddest thing is he has no sex drive whatsoever. I am at a crossroads in my life...to stay or to leave. I have a high sex drive so to be paired with someone who doesn't ever want to has been a huge curse and I believe it caused me to stray...as wrong as it was for me to do so...I needed to feel love and sex from someone and I was not getting it from him at all. He says he doesn't blame me that he drove me to cheat...but I feel a ton of remorse and feel like a sinner and a whore for going back on my marriage vows. I am so ashamed...a few close people in my life know but I am so scared his family will find out ect. that I am a cheater. I feel like dying:( I would have never thought I would do this... but I have and now I must live with the ramifications and it's bloody hard.

Thanks She-Ra...I do own the affairs...they have crushed me...but I do own them...and I like what you had to say, thanks! I am looking forward to R and I am happy I discovered this website because I am really suffering badly.

You're welcome BB. Glad I was able to help you a bit. When I read your post I felt I had to reply to it. There is a lot that you said that I could relate to 2 years ago. I cried constantly and felt so disgusting that it was really hard to function. I know where you are at. It's tough to get through the day.

Be careful not to wallow in your guilt. That doesn't help either of you to heal. It keeps you stuck and unable to see the big picture. He is here for you still. Try to keep your head out of water and likely it will be here on SI that will be the place to help you do that.

She-Ra, thank you for writing that. I think that my BH hasn't begun to process my infidelity either. I am hoping in MC he will be able to start doing that. I have been cheated on in the past, and I unleashed real fury on both partners. But I forgave both of them. I fear that my BH is on a slow boil where things are relatively peaceful now and will turn awful later.

Breezybear, I have also worried that my BH will tell people, but I haven't asked him if he has or not. It's none of my business if he does. I did what I did, and if people find out, so be it. I am Catholic and I did go to Confession to get that weight off my chest and I felt better after doing that. I am trying my very best to turn this into a positive. It has been a most humbling experience and that is what it should be. I am only going to do my best to be a better person all around. That is the only way I can conceive of some good coming out of this.

Thanks ladies...I so hope time will heal...but I also plan on getting help asap, I'm extremely depressed over what I have done..I feel like dying.

Breezy,

Counseling will help you. I sought individual counseling immediately and am still trying to find the right fit. Talking to the priest helped. I still struggle every day but I am gathering more strength. You may have to white knuckle it for a bit, but you will become stronger too.

You are extremely BRAVE healing journey!!! I am Catholic too and the SHAME and REMORSE is unbearable... I can't imagine confessing to a priest of my infidelity sins! That is amazing that you had the courage to do that! WOW! I hope your "healing journey" goes good... sounds like you are very insightful. I need to get the help for me. ASAP..cause I feel like dying.

Breezy,

Since you are Catholic, definitely go to Confession. Don't be embarrassed. It's there to help you! I hadn't even been to church in 8 years and I went. I was sobbing away in that box. The guilt and shame and the suicidal feelings were so overwhelming I felt like someone was sitting on my chest crushing me to death.

The priest asked me questions and I told him all about my sexless marriage and my affairs. He gave me the penance and told me to pray for guidance. That is what I have been doing. He could see the distress I was in and the remorse I had. I am sure that your priest will too. I can't recommend this enough.

Thank you healing journey..you are an inspiration to me..I hope to one day soon have the courage to do what you have done!

Breezy. Welcome. A few thoughts. I grew up strongly Catholic and eventually got to the point where I abandoned it. However, I recently went to confession with someone I trusted to be kind to me, and it was one of the best things I have done. It impacted the way I think about things, allowed me to process what I've done from a different point of view, and really impacted my attitude. It may have helped save my marriage because it inspired me to confess the details I had held on to.

It's great that your husband says he forgives you, but don't be too surprised if he takes a step back on that. My wife "forgave" me quickly, but it was just a reaction to being afraid of losing me. In reality here we are 15 months later with no forgiveness. Everyone is so different, though.

The guilt and shame is horrible, especially if you have to tell your parents (as I did). I said things similar to you. I thought I deserved the death penalty, etc. Though it can take a long time you can get to a better place and forgive yourself, even though it seems impossible now. You can take the next few months to improve yourself and show that your true self is not the one you showed with your affairs. Give yourself a chance.

I don't think it's shameful that you had sex with other people before your husband even if he didn't. I'm on the other end of that. Until I had my affair I had only had sex with my wife, while she had some previous partners. That actually might have made the affair more attractive. Anyway, I would expect a 32 year old married person to have had some previous experience. You're not 14. It's OK.

Take a breath, give yourself a hug, and believe that you can be the person you know you are.

Thanks rsf:) I am feeling extremely low and I think I will take the advice I have rec'd and seek councel/priest to speak to...I am scared, lonely and confused. I also have an addiction to complicate things. My husband has been by my side for 14 years but I yearn sometimes to start life over alone...and then at the same time I couldn't imagine my life without my husband. The no sex has driven us apart for years..I seem to need it and he doesn't...says he needs to feel a "connection" and I do try and give that to him..but I need sex to feel connected...so it's like a ring of fire I cannot escape from. EVERYONE loves my husband... I wish I could just accept this one major flaw and move on but I'm so sexually charged:( I know I have my issues too of course..sometimes I'm just tired of running on the wheel. I took vows though and I feel incredibly ashamed of myself...the feelings are overwhelming actually. I don't want to get up and go to work even. I appreciate the support from everyone!

[This message edited by BreezyBear at 5:45 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]