"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

befuddledhubbie posted 7/28/2014 23:17 PM

I feel like shit and I need to vent. If you have followed my story, i haven't been on in a while. Mostly because I have been working whenever i am not watching my DD. My WW changed her FB relationship status before our MC, one time thing btw. She isn't interested in fixing things. I was on her pintrest the other day and today she has 2 new boards about future wedding (not necessarily with OM but just dreaming), and relationship with OM. It makes me angry and ready to cry.

I am supposed to meet a lawyer wednesday, and i have IC on thursday.

I haven't said this before, but i consider myself a man of faith (Christian). the last 2 weeks i have taken solace in that and i have been hopeful. I am jumping into my faith, and hanging out with other believers who have been a great support. I know prayer is effective, just as i know Jesus is my comforter, but i also know that you don't always get what you want. And a 2nd chance of healing/reconciling no matter how much i want them might not be in the picture.

Know that even though i am hopeful, I'm not stupid. She wants a divorce, and I don't want to drag it out for my DD sake. I need to look out for my DD interests in this, and i need to make sure i am prepared to do so.

Venting done...for now.

BtraydWife posted 7/29/2014 00:05 AM

I'm so sorry she won't commit to R. I know that must be painful beyond measure. I'm glad you have found some comfort with people close to you. And it's wonderful to see you keep yourself and your daughter a priority. It will be difficult for a while but you will survive. More importantly, you will model for your daughter the need to be respected in romantic relationships. Sometimes women find that difficult to do. You can survive and you can find someone faithful and loving to spend your life with.
Celebrate isn't the right word but you are doing the right thing and high five for that.

atreides posted 7/29/2014 00:40 AM

I am very sorry... wow. Are you still wanting to reconcile this?

I read your other thread, you did not enforce NC... it would not matter if he is her best friend, you are her husband and she violated the marriage... end of story...

you cannot pander but be you and show her you can do without her and maker her earn her way back to your leave her on your terms. It is painful, i know but pandering to her while it is your heart pouring out is only "spilt milt" falling on the floor.

bigskyblues posted 7/29/2014 01:09 AM

befuddled, I can tell you my xww had no intention of stopping her activities. There came a point where I realized the best I could hope for in the marriage was a lifetime of doubt and wondering if she was cheating again. I knew that her cheating was destroying me, eating me alive. I also knew that I had to stay strong to be there for my kids, and family. I took the most humane route for all of us and divorced her. I am happy, I have moved on in life, my kids are doing great, and the xww is even happy (she gets to live her fantasy of being chased by all the different men with no worries of getting caught).

You don't have much (anything) to work with in your marriage, she is the one making the choice for you!

Wish you and the DD the very best!

BSB

befuddledhubbie posted 7/29/2014 08:53 AM

It is not like she hasn't made herself clear. I have just been hoping that as all of her family and mine disapprove of her actions, "they all hate me", that it would make her realize what she is doing. She is so deep in the fog.

3 times now she has asked me, "what do you do to put DD to bed? Does she scream for me? Does she keep you up all nite?". And the answer is no. She sleeps peacefully in the home she has known all her life. She is only 13months old, and i now her staying at OM apt. is confusing DD. But my WW says it is her "home" too. A load of bs. WW doesn't even recognize the bad nites for what they are, our daughter's attempt to communicate to us.

I have been keeping a strict calendar of when she has our DD and when i do. As part of that calendar, WW has not slept over nite in our home for 3 weeks. She lied about NC the 1st week, and at first it seemed like not filing would give us a chance to communicate in SOME capacity. But especially the last 2 weeks she avoids me, doesn't answer texts or calls to coordinate a sitter or bills.

I care too much to "take her for all she's worth", but even though i don't want to deprive her of our daughter, if i can get sole custody i am strongly considering it. Just worried how i am supposed to support myself and my DD and work 2 jobs. I can move back in with my parents, or find an overpriced apt. Neither is ideal, but i am pretty sure i can't keep the house on my own.

I still find myself crying at random songs on the radio, or when i look at wedding/anniversary cards at work. Anger has been at a minimum, or at least my expression of it. Acceptance is settling in. Only 3 weeks out from D-day, pretty sure the numbness is lingering.

Thanks for the support SI compatriots. We never wanted to be here, but at least we aren't here alone. If anyone has any advice, especially about divorce proceedings, I'm listening now.

The lawyer i am supposed to meet tomorrow is giving me a discount because of an assistance program my work offers. 25% off, so 200$ an hour with a retainer starting at 1500-2000. Parents are footing the bill. WW wants to negotiate everything, but her decisions making abilities are compromised, so I'm looking for a lawyer who would be assertive, but open to settlement.

shiloe posted 7/29/2014 09:26 AM

I was on her pintrest the other day and today she has 2 new boards about future wedding (not necessarily with OM but just dreaming), and relationship with OM. It makes me angry and ready to cry.

Befuddledhubbie
I am sorry for the hurt and pain you and your DD have been going through. I know it is hard but try not to look at her social media. Stay NC with anything that has to do with her.
Does she take your D to OM apt for overnights?

No way would I let her. She should not be doing that. Get a lawyer and put a stop to it.

WW wants to negotiate everything

,
Tell her all negotiations will be done through your lawyer.

Stay strong, go no contact, kids and financials only.

steppingup posted 7/29/2014 16:16 PM

if i can get sole custody i am strongly considering it.

OH! My good man, if...no if, go get it. Get all of it, convience your WW that she is better off running away into the land of rainbows and unicorns deep deep into the "f...kers fog", and she will.

No, if you can avoid it, my strongest caution to you is to insulate your DD from poor living and poor character. If you WW is willing to do what she has done, you have no idea what else is coming, you think you've seen the worst, I would not bet on it.

Again if you can get full custody, take it! I know I would and never look back.

Step.

5454real posted 7/29/2014 16:22 PM

If you can get sole custody, by all means, do so. I did.

She kept her D(my SD ) and I got my son. (Yea the court split the kids). SD has 3 DUI's and lives with Mom. My son is in college with a full time job paying his own way.

Do it! It's not easy, but doing right rarely is.

Strength

craig2001 posted 7/29/2014 16:24 PM

I would say no, your wife doesn't get a say other than her legal say through her lawyer.

I am not overly religious, but I have found that always having faith works pretty good. And you will be amazed at how things turn out and or who comes out of nowhere to help. It seems that when you least expect it someone or something comes out of nowhere to help.

Only three weeks out...don't be surprised if your wife gets out of the fog all of a sudden and is so sorry for what she did. Three weeks is nothing.

Have you thought about what you're going to do if and when your wife suddenly gets out of the fog and or the OM throws her out of his place for whatever reason.

Hurthalo posted 7/29/2014 17:54 PM

Befuddled, if what I have read is correct, it takes a cold hearted and extremely messed up person to leave a 13m old infant at home while they persue an affair.

Strength to you mate, you will receive blessings in due course. Good to hear your friends and church are behind you.

Badhurt posted 7/29/2014 18:24 PM

Befuddled,

There is no advice anyone here can give you other than get your attorney into action immediately and forget about her facebook messages.

the is no reconciliation going to happen here. Just protect yourself and your child and try your best to make her a distant memory