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angerisme posted 7/29/2014 06:42 AM

I just needed to put this out into the world...I hate him. Truly. I hate him for his weakness. I hate him for his pathetic selfishness that gave him permission to date while he was away from his family. I hate him for his sociopathic abilities. I hate that I ever married him. I hate hate hate hate hate him. But I hate mostly the loneliness. After believing you are happily married and in love nearly 20 years....it is very very easy to perceive the loneliness of not being connected to another person. I miss the way it feels to touch a man with love and care. I miss that feeling of excitement when a man drives up into the driveway, but mostly I miss needing another person. I wish I could find a man that made me laugh and who evoked tender feelings from me. I hate his guts.

Lalagirl posted 7/29/2014 06:44 AM

((((angerisme))))

I'm so sorry

Do something for you today...

Sleepingbeauty posted 7/29/2014 06:58 AM

I completely get this and I am sorry you are feeling it strongly today.(((HUGS)))

I agree with lalagirl do something nice for yourself today. Get a pedicure,a hairdo, go someplace where you are not alone and just be with other people.

Try not to let your hatred of him take away from the joy of life. I have cards all over the house. I call them refocus cards. Life will get better, let it og, love life, live life, he is not worth it(my favorite)and it smile anyway. He is not owrth it the one I have the most of and each day I believe it a little more..

I too miss the hugs and I know when the time is right there will be better ones to come.

krsplat posted 7/29/2014 08:10 AM

I hear you too, and understand.

OkNotOk posted 7/29/2014 08:26 AM

I totally understand.

And I wonder how I can love someone that I hate so much??

SunshineSoul posted 7/29/2014 10:07 AM

Absolutely. I understand completely.

And oknotok, I have wondered exactly the same thing. It's torture.

PrtyInPink posted 7/29/2014 10:16 AM

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way!! Lots of hugs to you

paperplates posted 7/29/2014 10:30 AM

I feel exactly the same. It a personal hell.

steppingup posted 7/29/2014 10:45 AM

I know exactly how you feel. All my dreams come true...now ashes, life is now beyond complicated.

selfish assholes!

steppingup posted 7/29/2014 10:53 AM

I know exactly how you feel. All my dreams come true...now ashes, life is now beyond complicated.

selfish assholes, I feel,robbed by someone I trusted and loved, how f..ed up is that!?!

FightingBack posted 7/29/2014 11:28 AM

We are trying to reconcile and although my WH has changed in many good ways, he still hasn't met my requirements for R. Perhaps I am enabling his laziness by not giving ultimatums.

Most of the time I think that we are on the right track and have surpassed many obstacles. I know that we love each other, but not in the way that we might have had he not stolen precious years from me.

Sometimes, when I feel weary and sad, I think about the enormity of what he did without considering me at all. It is moments like these that yes, I hate him too.

Then I distance myself a bit and I use the love that I have within me to love myself.

Take care of that hurt child within you. Be patient and easy with yourself. Treat and pamper yourself if you can. Love yourself. Hate can be self destructive. We can't let them bring out that side of us, at least not for long. It is just another form of pain.

I do know how you feel though. Feel it, acknowledge it, then love yourself.

MadOldBat posted 7/29/2014 12:18 PM

angerisme, i absolutely can feel where exactly you are coming from.
I wish I had the powers to turn back time and divorce the stupid creep 17 years ago at first DD.
Gather strength from your feelings.
You have survived.
now is time to move onwards and upwards if you can.
Hope you can feel our empathy for you - and for all of us - coming through.

choosehappy86 posted 7/29/2014 13:20 PM

ugh I said these words so many times....sometimes I wish I had no emotions and was just indifferent and didnt feel any strong emotions like love or hate for my spouse

7yrsflushed posted 7/29/2014 13:50 PM

There is truly a thin line...

The last meaningful discussion I had with my XWW was a few months after she moved out. I had been NC except for finanaces and kids. She had been in a car accident and I evidently didn't ask about her enough. She texted me when it happened. I asked if she was okay and she said yes. A week later I get an email rant from her that basically went I, I, I, me, me, me you don't care about me, etc. I lost it and responded to her email and then followed it up with a phone conversation in which I stated and I quoute, "I fucking hate you and we will never be friends". SI proceeding to give me hugs and throw a few rightly deserved 2X4's for responding. I hadn't detached yet. I have had no problems since then. I pretty much acted like she didn't exist after that and vented here on the boards as needed. The hate eventually turned to indifference. The longer she was out the more I could process my feelings and anger. I was mad for a LONG time.

My point is be mad as long as you need to be mad. Eventually you burn it out and detach. don't suppress it. get it out in a constructive manner. I went to the gym and worked out until I tired myself out then worked out some more. Eventually I reached acceptance and was able to move on to whatever comes next in my life without dragging that piece of luggage behind me.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:51 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 7/29/2014 13:58 PM

(((((angerisme))))

I'm sorry you are hurting today.

steppingup posted 7/29/2014 15:20 PM

My understanding is hate is still close to love, once you get to INDIFFERENCE you have arrived at rock bottom.

RyeBread posted 7/29/2014 15:35 PM

So sorry...

I was talking about hate to my IC one time and his comment was that it takes a lot of energy to hate. It means you are still vested in the relationship and allowing the other person to indirectly control your thoughts. His suggestion was to instead of hate the person, turn that energy into action by loving yourself. Do things for you, find yourself and the things you love in life again.

You will get through this.

StillLivin posted 7/29/2014 15:43 PM

Hating is part of the process and is very normal. Let the hate out, but then do stuff for yourself and move forward. I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. It does get better though.

(((angerisme)))

cantaccept posted 7/29/2014 17:25 PM

I understand that feeling also.

I had a rather rage filled night, maybe last Friday?

I posted here, ranted and raved, I have been holding it in, not good.

I really do believe that it is necessary to get it out, express it, of course in safe place and way.

Since that night, I have felt a little better. It as if I finally allowed myself to really believe my feelings and thoughts.

My D should be final next Tuesday, yes it is sad, it hurts but it doesn't hurt because I want him
back! It hurts because of loss, loss of what I thought I had but absolutely not reality. I finally realize I do not want him, I do not like who he is! I would not go back to that life for anything!

It just brought a sense of relief to get out the anger.

Big hugs to you and I am sorry you are hurting.

Hopeful74 posted 7/29/2014 17:45 PM

I am sorry you are hurting today. I am right where you are. I hate my husband so much for what he has done. The history he has re-written, the future plans with him that he has robbed from me and my kids, his weakness, not only in having an affair, but not fighting for me, his uncanny ability to be the victim. But most of all, I hate him for turning me into a needy, angry mess with hope for the things he promised me after his affair. Promises that he is not selfless enough to bring to fruition. I hate him for calling me that night, crying telling me he would do anything to get me back. Because he is proving he is not strong enough to handle my pain. Pain he caused, but can't truly face. So, I will hate him until it simmers to indifference. Because I'm not there yet. Because he gave me hope. So, in turn, I am going to try my damnest to turn my hatred for him into fierce kindness to myself. And I hope you all will do the same! Chin up everyone. We are not a reflection of what they have done. 'She could never go back and make all of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.' We are each the whole and we need to find our own beauty.