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Time to Let Go?

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FindingStrength2 posted 7/29/2014 10:19 AM

It's been 3+ months since D-Day, with about 2 of those spent in R. Every day I have doubts about what we are doing and why we are doing it. I know that's normal. As far a waywards go, my WW is doing most things right, now. She's making or trying to make a lot of changes. I suppose that's why I'm still here. I still have hope. But I also have a lot of emptiness and sadness and anger.

We've been together 8 years, married for 3. She was cheating off and on for 3+ years. Yes, before we even got married I came to find out. There was a short affair the month before we got married. When I stood in front of that church and all of our friends and family with tears of happiness in my eyes, excited and committed to spend the rest of my life with her, she was probably thinking about the guy she fucked 3 weeks prior. It's sick. So then she tried to play the part of faithful wife for the next two years while still maintaining weak boundaries and attention craving behavior. Didn't last long. When she was supposedly going to the library or coffee shop in the evenings to work on her Phd, she was occasionally heading off to bars, taking off her wedding ring and flirting with guys. Last fall she got drunk at a bar and had a ONS and continued it with a long distance sexting affair for a month. That was parlayed into a soul crushing 6 month LTA with another scumbag she met at a bar. 6 months of lying, deception, manipulation, treating me like shit and screwing another guy. At some point along the line she told me that she hated me. She said that. I finally recovered some deleted text messages and blew the top off her second life. After all of that, you'd have to wonder what the hell I'm still doing here, right? We don't have kids or a house yet. Just me and my wife with a long history of lying, cheating and deception. A serial liar.

It's one of those days where I write that and wonder what I'm doing. What am I waiting on. Am I just afraid to let go? On most days I can tell she's really trying. The fog is gone. We still share a lot of hobbies, interests and activities we enjoy doing together. I see glimpses of what could be. What our life could be like if she's really willing to commit to authentic change. But can she? At the core, we are who we are, right? And can I ever move on from this? I get this emptiness inside of me that I'm afraid will never leave. On d-day and the subsequent days of TT, I lost something about myself, us and our marriage that isn't coming back. That's a sinking feeling. I think the only way we move forward (in addition to her committing to and following through on real change) is seeing continued heartfelt remorse. I don't see that always. Some days she's defensive, some days she just doesn't want to talk about it, and other days she doesn't seem to want to take it all seriously. I don't know. The confident, self-assured guy with a plan and future is gone. Every day I wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life now.

[This message edited by FindingStrength2 at 10:35 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

tl502 posted 7/29/2014 12:21 PM

Wow, you're amazing. I think most of us would cut and run, considering the length of cheating vs length of m. I hope she realizes what a valuable gift you have offered her.

OK, I understand the loss of self confidence, I eperienced it myself. I would be considered by all who know me as a successful, confident person. Good job, strong family, great friends... The behavior of my fwh laid me low, I lost all self confidence, all while my h was telling me how great I was and none of this was my fault. I think this is just part of the process.

The a was about her, not you. She married you while cheating. She obviously didn't hate you, she hated herself. She most likely didn't like herself for what she was doing to you and you just got the blast. Dont feed into the urge to try to find what you did wrong, what you could have done to stop her behavior. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't your failing and it's not your job to fix her crappy issues and boundaries. Your only job is healing yourself and making sure that you are safe from her craziness.

Down the road, when you're convinced that she has learned about herself and why she keeps making these choices, you might consider yourself truly in r. Without "consistent heartfelt remorse", you are the only one that is in r and that never works.

I didn't have any TT, but my h secretly continued email and phone contact for 18 months after dd. That killed any feelings of love that I had left for him. I thought he got it before, but it was at the point that he knew that I was done and ready to send him packing that the light bulb came on. I feel some of the loving feelings creeping back now after almost 18 more months. What a waste of time that initial 18 months were.
There is a frequent saying around here, you have to be able to lose your m sometimes to save it. Remember, the ball is in your court, you don't have kids together, your decision can be totally based on what is best for you.

The emptiness you feel will ease with time, but only if you either have a truly remorseful spouse or if you leave the m. Trying to R with an unremorseful spouse is a truly empty, lonely life choice.

Some ws just dont see how selfish their behavior is until the consequences smack them in the face. Don't be afraid to let that happen. You can't save her from herself.

FindingStrength2 posted 7/29/2014 13:16 PM

Thanks Tl502. I don't think I'm amazing, maybe just stubborn to a fault. I don't give up on people or things very easily. But I fear that the more time that passes since dday, the more difficult it will be to make the decision to leave even if that's what needs to be done to be happy again. I dont know. And how will I know without trying? And how long can you "try to try" before you have to commit?

She thinks she is remorseful and doing everything she can, so maybe my expectations are unreasonable? Maybe I'm not ready to accept that's she's genuinely remorseful.

gimmeshelter posted 7/29/2014 15:17 PM

Only you can answer your question. A lot of what you have been through is like my story. I know your pain. how will I know without trying? And how long can you "try to try" before you have to commit? This is a complex question but I would answer this by saying take care of yourself, learn about yourself, trust yourself and grow as a man and individual. I know what its like to love someone who hurts you and its hard. Take it one day at a time and forget about "having to commit" I think when you do that you depend on an unreliable partner to hurry up and make you feel better. that is something that slows the healing because if your spouse is like mine they have no idea of the pain and damage they inflicted.Only you can make you better. If your spouse is serious about getting better herself she can do it alongside you. If she is going through the motions you will know when its time to move on. If that happens you will be stronger, more confident and love yourself enough to let it go. For now my advice is to not make any life changing decisions while you are so off balance. Some day down the road all you questions will be answered clear as day if you work on yourself. time is on your side. best wishes

Me BH 46
Her WW 40
s8, D 11
together 20 years married 16
DD 1 2001 - Brief PA
DD 2 Jan 2014 - 2 brief PA 2010, 1 brief EA 2010

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