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Newest Member: drummerwife (46039)

User Topic: Holding my breath...
cutie35
♀ 43979
Member # 43979
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh is how I feel today... Having a bad day in anticipation of school registration tonight. The OW was a "friend" of mine and her son and my youngest are in the same grade. I will find out tonight if they have class together or not. I don't want our kids to be friends, I don't want to have to worry about her being at the same holiday function as me, I hate seeing her everywhere. I wish we could move but we live in a rural community and we work in different directions (both driving 35+ miles to work). Finding a new job and moving sounds like the perfect solution but is not as easy as that for sure. So I deal....

Then I start thinking that if someone else told me the story I have... your husband encourages a woman that he knows you get a long with to become better friends, work out partners, everything you need in a friend only to find out they were sexting, then turned into PA that ended with sex IN YOUR HOUSE and IN YOUR BED..... I would tell that woman to divorce the SOB.

But I didn't do that. I stayed (with new furniture and bed sheets) and am still staying. Why? He has been remorseful, wonderful, transparent, attentive, romantic, involved, finally I stayed because I love him, we have 2 young DS and finances being the last reason.

Some days I feel like I can move on past this and get back and better but then I see her at school functions, sporting events or on Facebook (we have mutual friends unfortunately) and I wonder what the F**K was he thinking. What am I doing? Why am I dealing with this?

Just holding my breath until this wave crashes and enjoy some of the serenity that follows until the next wave starts...


BS 34
WH 35
OW 29
2 DS 6&8
DDay 4/27/13
married just over 10 years on dday

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2014
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can tell the school you do not want your child in a class with her child, period. You can say there are personal reasons, but you want your child in a different class.

If you're going to try this, I would plan on getting to the registration about 15 minutes prior to the start of it, and speaking with the person responsible for your child's registration about this. You do not need to get into the whys of it - this is your child. You do have some control over this.

Good luck. Your story is gut wrenching. It's sad that your H did this. It's sadder that OW went along with it. You didn't know. She did. SICK.

And you don't have to explain why you stayed. You stayed because you chose to stay, period.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. That would be impossible for me. Are you guys in MC/IC?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5777 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
tl502
♀ 42607
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, I'd have to move. If the ap had ever been in my house, my h has wisely kept that to himself. I'd move closer to my work. Let him do the longer commute, would give him time to work on himself. At least ask the school to separate the kids. Share the reason if you have to. I wouldnt spend a whole school year subjected to that. Better yet have your h do it. His mess to clean up.


Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 450 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
Lalagirl
♀ 14576
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((cutie))))

I completely concur with painfulpast's post, down to you not having to explain why you stayed. I stayed too, in spite of FWH having an EA with a "friend"...I get it.

I also get the small town "run-ins" with xOW. But my girls are grown so I don't have to contend with the classroom sitch...and I would do everything you can to not have them in the same classroom. It's complicated enough...

Hugs!


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 3 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5173 | Registered: May 2007
BeautifulEmpty
♀ 38763
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you may have to deal with her.
You aren't alone..feel free to read my story, particularly the last part. Very similar.
I hear stories on here about dealing with the OW being a child's teacher or continued co worker, or next door neighbor and I cringe. I see ow periodically as she now just loves going to our favorite coffee shop. The only reason I don't relish it is because I gained weight In the aftermath. Shallow, I know, but it makes me feel stronger when I look good according to my own definitions. I think I'd really struggle if our children were friends though. I'd want the best for my child but I don't consider causing her dad and my relationship additional stress nor exposing her to someone (mom) who behaves as OW do, 'in her best interest'.
My heart goes out to you. I'm always envious of people who are able to move and have that added benefit of geographical therapy and a fresh start.
If it turns out that your kids are in the same class, can you request a change due to extenuating circumstances?


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

geographical therapy

ha - love this!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5777 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
cutie35
♀ 43979
Member # 43979
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, good news... my son is not in class with her son! YEAH!!! I understand that they were once friends adn someday in middle school or high school I may have to deal with them being friends but as long as I can keep them apart, the better for everyone.

My WH surprised me tonight too. He knew I was having one of those trigger days and I came home to flowers and a gift (a scarf he thought matched a new shirt I have). He had a card that said "Some days are better than others. Remember that I love you and together we can get through anything." AWE, right? While this was so sweet, he also ended up saying the dreaded "I just don't want to talk about this anymore and wish you would be able to get over it." that was also followed with but I know it is my fault you feel this way so he will be here when ever I need him.

I so wish moving was option some days...

thanks everyone for their comments... this site really helps.

Are you guys in MC/IC?
We really haven't done MC/IC... we met with our church preacher a few times right after DDAY but now it really is just us... and this site for me.


BS 34
WH 35
OW 29
2 DS 6&8
DDay 4/27/13
married just over 10 years on dday

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2014
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whew! Thank goodness!

(((cutie35)))


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18698 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
FixYou71
♀ 42654
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bullet dodged! Thank God for small (or in this case big) mercies!
Has you H done any reading to help you? Has he done the work to come up with his why?


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 18
Married 1993

Posts: 532 | Registered: Mar 2014
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get it. AP was a 'friend' here too, and our kids were good buddies. They don't go to the same elementary school, but will likely go to the same middle and high school after this year. Because they are all bright, there is little chance they won't have classes together. . . Not a huge school.

I worry more that they'll resume their friendship and post-puberty someone will figure out why the parents aren't friends anymore. It was a big blow to my son. Also, APs oldest is a sneak and kind of conniving, which his parents don't see at all. So, I really don't want my son hanging out with him anyway. Sigh.

Glad they aren't in the same class for you this year.

As for the other stuff, I think we all wrestle with those feelings of being the world's biggest chump. But, it is not black and white, is it? Our MC said something once about people being "human" and imperfect, and it kind of offended me. . Like he was minimising. But, in a sense, it is true. We falter, and sometimes we all-out fail. Sometimes we really hurt each other. To me, what matters is what we do next.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:50 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 11

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