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Newest Member: WishingINeverLooked

Reconciliation :
Holding my breath...

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 cutie35 (original poster new member #43979) posted at 4:58 PM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

Ugh is how I feel today... Having a bad day in anticipation of school registration tonight. The OW was a "friend" of mine and her son and my youngest are in the same grade. I will find out tonight if they have class together or not. I don't want our kids to be friends, I don't want to have to worry about her being at the same holiday function as me, I hate seeing her everywhere. I wish we could move but we live in a rural community and we work in different directions (both driving 35+ miles to work). Finding a new job and moving sounds like the perfect solution but is not as easy as that for sure. So I deal....

Then I start thinking that if someone else told me the story I have... your husband encourages a woman that he knows you get a long with to become better friends, work out partners, everything you need in a friend only to find out they were sexting, then turned into PA that ended with sex IN YOUR HOUSE and IN YOUR BED..... I would tell that woman to divorce the SOB.

But I didn't do that. I stayed (with new furniture and bed sheets) and am still staying. Why? He has been remorseful, wonderful, transparent, attentive, romantic, involved, finally I stayed because I love him, we have 2 young DS and finances being the last reason.

Some days I feel like I can move on past this and get back and better but then I see her at school functions, sporting events or on Facebook (we have mutual friends unfortunately) and I wonder what the F**K was he thinking. What am I doing? Why am I dealing with this?

Just holding my breath until this wave crashes and enjoy some of the serenity that follows until the next wave starts...

2 DS 7&9
DDay 4/29/13 @ 1:30 pm (MIL Birthday so we "celebrate" every year! WHOO HOO!!!)
married just over 10 years on dday

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2014
id 6889686
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painfulpast ( member #41038) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

You can tell the school you do not want your child in a class with her child, period. You can say there are personal reasons, but you want your child in a different class.

If you're going to try this, I would plan on getting to the registration about 15 minutes prior to the start of it, and speaking with the person responsible for your child's registration about this. You do not need to get into the whys of it - this is your child. You do have some control over this.

Good luck. Your story is gut wrenching. It's sad that your H did this. It's sadder that OW went along with it. You didn't know. She did. SICK.

And you don't have to explain why you stayed. You stayed because you chose to stay, period.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

posts: 2249   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2013   ·   location: East Coast
id 6889711
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rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 5:18 PM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

I'm so sorry. That would be impossible for me. Are you guys in MC/IC?

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6889716
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tl502 ( member #42607) posted at 5:26 PM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

Nope, I'd have to move. If the ap had ever been in my house, my h has wisely kept that to himself. I'd move closer to my work. Let him do the longer commute, would give him time to work on himself. At least ask the school to separate the kids. Share the reason if you have to. I wouldnt spend a whole school year subjected to that. Better yet have your h do it. His mess to clean up.

Married 35 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

posts: 1114   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: big blue nation
id 6889740
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 5:31 PM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

((((cutie))))

I completely concur with painfulpast's post, down to you not having to explain why you stayed. I stayed too, in spite of FWH having an EA with a "friend"...I get it.

I also get the small town "run-ins" with xOW. But my girls are grown so I don't have to contend with the classroom sitch...and I would do everything you can to not have them in the same classroom. It's complicated enough...

Hugs!

2025: Me-59 FWH-61 Married 41 years grown daughters- 41 & 37. 1 GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); Five grands ages 15 to 8. D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8905   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 6889747
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BeautifulEmpty ( member #38763) posted at 5:38 PM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

I am so sorry you may have to deal with her.

You aren't alone..feel free to read my story, particularly the last part. Very similar.

I hear stories on here about dealing with the OW being a child's teacher or continued co worker, or next door neighbor and I cringe. I see ow periodically as she now just loves going to our favorite coffee shop. The only reason I don't relish it is because I gained weight In the aftermath. Shallow, I know, but it makes me feel stronger when I look good according to my own definitions. I think I'd really struggle if our children were friends though. I'd want the best for my child but I don't consider causing her dad and my relationship additional stress nor exposing her to someone (mom) who behaves as OW do, 'in her best interest'.

My heart goes out to you. I'm always envious of people who are able to move and have that added benefit of geographical therapy and a fresh start.

If it turns out that your kids are in the same class, can you request a change due to extenuating circumstances?

Me: 44 BS
Him: 40 FWS
Ow: 47 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 23, 20, 19, 17, 12
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

posts: 360   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2013   ·   location: Washington State
id 6889762
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rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 5:42 PM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

geographical therapy

ha - love this!

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6889769
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 cutie35 (original poster new member #43979) posted at 4:26 AM on Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

Well, good news... my son is not in class with her son! YEAH!!! I understand that they were once friends adn someday in middle school or high school I may have to deal with them being friends but as long as I can keep them apart, the better for everyone.

My WH surprised me tonight too. He knew I was having one of those trigger days and I came home to flowers and a gift (a scarf he thought matched a new shirt I have). He had a card that said "Some days are better than others. Remember that I love you and together we can get through anything." AWE, right? While this was so sweet, he also ended up saying the dreaded "I just don't want to talk about this anymore and wish you would be able to get over it." that was also followed with but I know it is my fault you feel this way so he will be here when ever I need him.

I so wish moving was option some days...

thanks everyone for their comments... this site really helps.

Are you guys in MC/IC?

We really haven't done MC/IC... we met with our church preacher a few times right after DDAY but now it really is just us... and this site for me.

2 DS 7&9
DDay 4/29/13 @ 1:30 pm (MIL Birthday so we "celebrate" every year! WHOO HOO!!!)
married just over 10 years on dday

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2014
id 6890508
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 4:40 AM on Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

Whew! Thank goodness!

(((cutie35)))

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6890516
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FixYou71 ( member #42654) posted at 5:17 AM on Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

Bullet dodged! Thank God for small (or in this case big) mercies!

Has you H done any reading to help you? Has he done the work to come up with his why?

BS:44
H: 50
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 22 and DS 18
Married 1993

posts: 700   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2014
id 6890540
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bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 1:49 PM on Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

I totally get it. AP was a 'friend' here too, and our kids were good buddies. They don't go to the same elementary school, but will likely go to the same middle and high school after this year. Because they are all bright, there is little chance they won't have classes together. . . Not a huge school.

I worry more that they'll resume their friendship and post-puberty someone will figure out why the parents aren't friends anymore. It was a big blow to my son. Also, APs oldest is a sneak and kind of conniving, which his parents don't see at all. So, I really don't want my son hanging out with him anyway. Sigh.

Glad they aren't in the same class for you this year.

As for the other stuff, I think we all wrestle with those feelings of being the world's biggest chump. But, it is not black and white, is it? Our MC said something once about people being "human" and imperfect, and it kind of offended me. . Like he was minimising. But, in a sense, it is true. We falter, and sometimes we all-out fail. Sometimes we really hurt each other. To me, what matters is what we do next.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:50 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6890786
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