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BrokenBrunette posted 7/29/2014 11:09 AM

We have been married for 11 years, have 2 grown kids with 2 grandkids. We were always considered soulmates and had a great relationship up until about 2 1/2 years ago. I went through a dark period after a move from IA to TX, ended up with a DUI which caused a strain in our relationship. Over time we worked through things, I got the help I needed both for the drinking issues and depression and anxiety I had been going through and we wound up moving back to IA to be closer to family and the grandkids.

I thought things were going great, we had never been happier or closer. Then one Friday evening, he was acting very strangely. I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I ended up checking out his email and found an email that he had written responding to a W4M ad on Craigslist. I was floored - angry, hurt and betrayed. I printed it out and asked him WTH was going on and he denied that it was his email, saying his account had been hacked. I asked him then to report it but he didn't do it. Throughout the course of the weekend, I ended up finding more emails (12 in all ) to various women responding to Craigslist ads spanning the 2 years we were in TX an here.

He kept denying everything at first then finally admitted to going on the sites, but would not admit to writing any of the emails and adamantly says he has not had an affair with anyone ever. After much back and forth where he argued that I had given him so much grief with my drinking, etc, I had no right to be angry about this. He finally did apologize for going on CL and hurting me like he did and said he'd do anything to make it right between us.

I went and met with our pastor and told him that he needed to do the same. He did meet with the pastor and is going to continue to meet with him to work through his issues.

In the meantime, I have had access to all his stuff, his phone, his email, computer, etc. He deleted all the emails (not before I could get them all printed out though) and I have not seen him going on any of the sites, nor anymore emails. I am trying to work through this, but the one thing that is still nagging at me is the fact that he has not been completely truthful in telling me that he wrote those emails. I know he did (who else could have) and he does too, but I need him to tell me that he did. Am I wrong for wanting this from him? Should I just leave it alone?

I know it will hurt hearing it from him but I need to know the truth from his mouth and hear the whys that come with it. Maybe because if he can't tell me that, then maybe there was something more going on? I don't know....he keeps saying that this was not cheating because he didn't do anything, it never went any further than the email. To me, its cheating, the intent was there to do stuff with the other women as I saw what he was offering them in the emails and he sent his picture back out to them.

I have been reading a lot of your posts and it helps to know I'm not alone, but I'm not sure where to go from here.

nekorb posted 7/29/2014 11:19 AM

Welcome BrokenBrunette.

I'm glad you've found us and I'm sorry you're here.

My guess is you only know a fraction of the truth. Most waywards will only to admit to what you already know.

Others will be along with more advice. Just wanted you to know you've been heard.

Anik1989 posted 7/29/2014 11:25 AM

I have recently found out about my husband`s emotional affair as well. Thats what your husband was doing, having an emotional affair with these women. It is still cheating. It is still wrong.
If you need him to say it out loud (I was having an emotional affair by emails), ask that from him. I dont think you are wrong to want to hear the truth from his mouth and I dont think you will be able to move on if he doesnt admit it to you.
I hope that you can work it out with your husband, seems youve been through a lot. If you cant, well thats not your fault. So dont blame yourself for any of this, just keep your head up and try to find peace & happiness whichever path you end up choosing.

PreachersWife1 posted 7/29/2014 11:38 AM

BrokenBrunette, my heart goes out to you and like the others, I'm sorry you're here with us.

You are not wrong for wanting to hear him admit to his mistakes. A big part of R is complete transparency and divulging information/answering questions with 100% honesty. Sadly nekorb is right...most unremorseful WS will only admit to what you know. Gaining trust will be nearly impossible if you are with someone who minimizes the hurt & pain they cause you. If it's not cheating to them, it's hard to get the empathy you need to feel more secure and to have faith that they won't make these kinds of mistakes in the future...or take these "harmless emails" to the next level.

But beware that a WS may just tell you what you want to hear just to get you to drop it. It sounds like he's doing a lot of other things right though. Bottom line...if you need something from him, ask for it. I've spent a whole year minimizing my needs and wants about WH's affair because I was afraid to piss him off. Fear that he would choose to leave instead of me getting to do it first. You'll drive yourself mad if you try to protect his heart at the expense of your own.

Stay strong!

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/29/2014 12:58 PM

Well, no one ever accused these lying sneaks of being MENSA material, and your husband is living proof to that testament.

How ridiculous to admit (after you practically had to beat it out of him) that he was trolling sex/hookup sites and looking at ads and profiles and what-not, and then turn around and try to claim that a HACKER took over at that point and wrote the letters. I'm actually chuckling at how utterly ignorant that sounds.

This 'hacker' sure kept themselves busy by sending at least half a dozen letters to various people on these hookup sites on your poor, innocent husband's behalf. Don't you just hate when hackers spend hours going through profile and then taking the time to write to prospective sex partners?

It's pretty comical that a random 'hacker' chose your husband's computer, went through the trouble of breaking into it remotely, and then proceeded to pick random people on sex websites and write out messages to these people on your husband's behalf. Don't you just hate when 'secretary hacker's' break into your computer?

Did this secretary hacker RSVP to any upcoming weddings or reply to Aunt Tilly's email your husband had sitting in his inbox? Jesus.

I always find it amazing when a 'hacker' gets into a cheater's computer and doesn't take any of their personal data (logins to bank accounts, credit unions, misc. financial accounts, credit card logins, Paypal login, all kinds of personal and financial data, etc. etc. etc.) and chooses instead to write to random people on a website claiming to be your husband.

I'd tell him he's got 24 hours to man the hell up and start owning his shit and telling me the truth. I'd let him know if he's still lying to me after 24 hours has passed and he's still clinging to that ludicrous story about a hacker, then I'll be scheduling a polygraph test for him as soon as possible, which will clear the whole thing up once and for all.

"Hacker" my ass.

BrokenBrunette posted 7/29/2014 14:05 PM

Never Again - that story about the hacker hasn't been mentioned again since the D-day, however he still won't admit to me that he wrote the emails. He doesn't deny them like he was, he just has never come out yet and said, "Yes, I wrote them, I don't know what got into me (or whatever excuse he's going to make) and I'm sorry for it". THAT is what I'm still waiting to hear.

He said he was sorry for going on the sites and hurting me that way, but he hasn't owned up to writing the emails. THAT is what I'm having issues getting past, especially since I keep going back and reading them - I see the dates they were written and go back in my memory to that day and try to remember what happened that day.

The worst part is that the last girl sent pictures of herself (various ones) after he sent his picture to her and now I can't get the image of him with an actual person out of my head. Whether he did or not and I don't think they met because I caught him before he could make those plans, that image is still there.

Didact posted 7/29/2014 14:28 PM

I fear you've only seen the tip of the iceberg, BB.

Wiser folks than me will give you advice on how to proceed, but I would encourage you to remember that none of this, NOT ONE BIT, is your fault. The drinking issues were a cause for a bad marriage, but there were many ways that your husband could have dealt with those issues. Soliciting sex from random women online is not one of the wiser of those choices. He chose to do this because there is something wrong with HIM, not you.

((BrokenBrunette))

brokenmess posted 7/29/2014 14:47 PM

BrokenBrunette
I am sorry for what you are going through. I am new here myself. From my experience, I would find things out and fight for the truth. But I was the only one fighting. I feel like I did what PreachersWife1 mentioned, I would give into the lies and not fight for myself, to avoid him being angry or setting him over the edge. I just had another d-day, that I don't know we can reconcile from bc he just tells bits and pieces. He started with online profiles/dating sites and then I too found pics to OW. 4 yrs later, he has confessed to meeting with a prostitute once, but couldn't do it? I am now asking for the whole truth or nothing- I know I deserve better for myself and DD. You don't deserve any of this- you are worth so much more! I never thought it would go this far, that he could drain our bank acct on a drug addicted prostitute. I fought for a name, how nice to find out OW was a drug addicted prostitute with a long arrest record for soliciting, theft and armed robbery. I have struggled for 14 yrs, bc I didn't believe I deserved the truth and respect. This time I have set boundaries and know it's not my fault! I hope the best for you.