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...Your WS had had the decency and honesty to just END things with you BEFORE they embarked on their shameful, selfish journey(s)?

I mean, where would you be if they had been able to say, "I want my freedom so I am leaving you", and then they DID leave. For good. It was absolutely over.

Would you be better off having never dealt with the betrayals of infidelity - BUT - having gotten blindsided by suddenly being alone?

Would you be happier, healthier, saner?

Or would you be forlorn, bitter, confused?

Would you have been able to move on?

(Sorry for edit)

Impossible to know. And more what if thoughts. Things could be great or they could be worse. It could always be worse.

Most WSs don't think about divorce before they start affairs, that is usually not their intention at all when they enter affairs and for most divorce isn't even their intention during or after affairs.

They never intended to get caught in the first place.

I could have saved myself many years of emotional anguish. If my XWW would have been honest and asked for a D it would have hurt, no doubt about that. But I would have been over it in reasonable amount of time. I also could have saved over a decade of my life thinking things were going great. A decade I will never get back mind you. And we most likely could have parted in a friendly manner and that would have saved our children much anguish. But nope, she had to do what she did. And everyone suffered because of her selfish behaviors. I'll say one thing, I do feel sorrow for her because one day we all have to face the man upstairs and justify our behaviors. In life she has had no regret or remorse for any of the people she has hurt. So her punishment will come later. For my kids sake I hope she atones for her behaviors before then. But knowing her she most likely wont. So sad all around.....

Well...

The first A was an online A back in the days when not everyone was online. He was a cutting edge cheater. As most people even now aren't sure if EAs are cheating, I suppose it's understandable that I didn't connect cheating to what he did. At least not outright. It felt like cheating but didn't "look" like how our society defined cheating.

If he had just said something back then, I suppose we could have gotten a quickie D. We were M less than 6mos at that point. Who knows where I'd be. I would hope I would've graduated college even through the D.

Fast forward to 2A (what I call 1A b/c this was in person, EA and PA). No kids, I had a job teaching. Had he told me then, I might have stayed in N.C. for awhile but I guess eventually moved to one of the states my family lives in.

As for 3A (wow, I feel foolish for putting up with this crap), we had two kids. My plans when we were talking D before d-day were to move back to N.C. or near family. Then I decided to stay near MrH's work (he's stuck working in the area, I'm more flexible). I'm guessing I'dve eventually moved though. Either N.C. or the state my dad lives would've brought me to a better support system than I have here.

The 3A is most upsetting because after 2A we agreed he'd tell me before he started talking to some woman about his feelings. Supposedly he had learned boundaries after xOw1.

ETA- emotionally is even more up in the air. I would like to hope I'd be stronger and better healed but I haven't exactly shown much emotional strength.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 8:22 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

Would you be better off having never dealt with the betrayals of infidelity - BUT - having gotten blindsided by suddenly being alone?

Would you be happier, healthier, saner?

Or would you be forlorn, bitter, confused?

Would you have been able to move on?

interesting question. no one can really know where they would be if the M just ended. I mean. before Dday didnt many of us think that we would leave our WS if they cheated? yet here we are.

I know 3 people whos M ended because of a affair. I am the only person I know that reconciled.

One woman I know divorced her WH as soon as she found out. NO attempt at reconciling. She is now remarried and incredibly happy. When I asked her about this recently she said she rarely even thinks of her WH or his affair. When she does she just feels a bit sad for him.

Another woman was blind sided. Her WS had a affair that she did not discover. One day he just served her with D papers and told her he was moving in with his OW. She struggled emotionally for quite a few years. but now she has remarried and she tells me she is happy now. but she remains angry and resentful at her XWH.

A man I knew found out about his WW affair by opening a closet door to get a jacket when he came home for lunch. Finding a naked man in your bedroom closet is a pretty crappy way of discovering the affair. They D and due to the state D laws where he lives his WW really took him to the cleaners. He was paying close to $3000 a month in alimony and CS even though he had his kids half the time. She also took the house and most of his savings (she was a SAHM). Its been about 15 years since his Dday. Initially he dated a little but when he got serious with one girl he was dating she cheated on him. So now he lives alone and says he will never remarry or consider a serious relationship again.

There are just so many variables when dealing with a affair.

If my WW had just D me either before or even during her LTA I would have been really hurt. But I think by now I would be long over it. I think a clean break would have been easier to heal from than years of continued lying, TT, and blaming. But thats just me.

Where would I be now? probably back home where I grew up.

Probably reunited, or a year into a new relationship with someone else, or enjoying my single life.

Hard to know, but one thing is for sure, I would have a lot more respect for my WW than I do now.

I have thought about this allot, I believe I would have been at a better place , We always talked to each other through out our marriage and always said we would never put the other through so much pain if it eve came to this. I guess she really didn't take those conversations to heart like I did. I know I would have handled it allot better than the pain I am going through now. Honesty would have been the best for everyone.

I would be devastated but I think I would be better off instead of allowing myself being jerked around with this whole separating and getting back together roller coaster

I would be extremely confused and devastated had things just ended abruptly. While dealing with betrayal is the hardest test any relationship can endure, at least I now have a say as to where it will lead.

Interesting question. In this scenario I would've never been married. My WH started cheating while we were dating and brought it into our marriage. His AP knew about our wedding

If that's the case then my life would be a lot different. I never would have loved him like I do and would not have been so hurt. I also never would have become part of his family who are a huge support for me.

But what could've, should've, would've been don't really matter at this point. I am where I am today.

I am not sure. I probably would never have married, really--because the dishonesty was present before marriage, and if he'd been forthcoming about it, I would have chosen a life without him.

We did marry, though. Trac-Fone scapegoated me and used me as his excuse for infidelity very, very early on; certainly, by the time we'd been married a mere handful of years (out of the 24+ we were married before separation), he was cheating.

I don't think he wanted out, though. He wanted to be married, to have me to blame (and therefore feel better about himself as he behaved very badly). That part was actually very important to him. And, on a far more practical note, he wanted someone to do his laundry, to cook his meals, to joke around with, to provide a soft place to land.

However, if I'd drawn my line in the sand after the first $1300 strip club bill (which was about 5 years after we married, and represented only the very tip of an iceberg that was growing at an exponential rate), I would have left then, and had opportunities that now seem completely out of reach.

At very least, I would have opened myself up to happiness far sooner. I deserved that, and wish I had chosen it for myself (and for my children).

I wish I were among those who could say, "I wouldn't change the course of my life, because it made me who I am." I don't believe this. I wish I could go back and change the course of my life. While I learned things, they are not the sort of things that a person needs to know. I wish I didn't.

There is no doubt I'd be far, far better off if I'd bailed at 28 rather than 48. None whatsoever.

I would have gone through the same process as I did when I found out that he cheated on me.

I would have been devastated, for me and the kids.
I would have tried everything in my power to change his mind.
Once I would have gotten that he would want to be free...

I would have divorced him and made sure that he would stay a father to his own kids.

And then I would have healed, find good in everyday, and carried on my journey.

Being married is not losing your freedom, being married is being free and being accepted for who you are and your choices.

Him wanting to be "free" would show me that we would have extremely different views on marriage, and this would be enough for me. I would not want to have to be married to somebody, and would not want my husband to think the same.

Would you be better off having never dealt with the betrayals of infidelity - BUT - having gotten blindsided by suddenly being alone?

I had the pleasure of experiencing both of those things at the same time! I probably would have gotten half of the savings account since it would have not been drained by buying some other guy new clothes and furniture and I wouldn't have the psychological issues that go with dealing with betrayal on top of the abandonment... Man, I wish she had chosen to leave honorably.

I certainly don't want this to come across sounding like I've got anything figured out (because I certainly don't) as I say this but I guess its human nature to think “what if”. But I struggle with the value of that thinking versus the frustration, guilt and anger it generally causes. I’m the WS and I fight that thinking all the time as does my BS. I’ve recently run across a phrase that has helped me put the what if thinking into perspective – “It is what it is”. In other words, the past is the past – I can certainly learn from it but there’s nothing I can do to change it. That has helped me come to grips with acknowledging the truth about my EA and PA and stop trying to create a false past. It also has given me a small amount of hope for the future in that as I come to accept the past I can also focus on the present and future and do everything I can to make sure I make decisions today and tomorrow that will lead to a “future past” that I won’t regret

The EA started before we were married so I would have left and married someone else and had the children I always wanted instead of with a man who lied and never wanted children.

I like to think I would be in a healthier place. I mean being divorced would be more final than this attempt at reconciling. I think I would have moved on instead of just closing a quick check of the cell phone log 2+ years past D-day.

Good question. I think I would have been so much better off. Probably wouldn't be taking AD's, a few less worry lines, a few less lbs. I've been sad, bitter, and a nervous wreck since before DD1. I've wasted so much time playing detective. I so wish he would have said he wanted out. Our M was not good then, I wanted out until I stupidly decided I didn't want ow to win...damn I regret it.

In all honesty, I think if he'd done that it would have been a huge wake-up call for both of us to start communicating properly and get our backsides in gear to work on our marriage. Instead of drifting along , mostly amicably for years but without making any real efforts to make the marriage into the good space it is today. Faults on both sides.

Well, if he'd said that we would have got MC.

If he'd just walked out...I know that it started at least when I was pregnant with our eldest & still had a job as a priest (& house) so where would I be now?:

- single mum to one (instead of two)
- vicar without having taken time to be a SAHM
- better off financially & in my career/vocation
- but less emotionally open (trauma of A made me reassess in way that it wouldn't otherwise)
- much better relationship with The Arse as a co-parent (the pain, lies, TT and false R have led to a huge breach between us, as it is, I parallel parent)
- easier divorce (there would still be trust)

And he would have been better off too: Much less debt, an Ex who hadn't been emotionally mauled by him, one child who would have never known any different & not had their heart broken by him, not having to pay as much spousal support as he will do (big difference between me being a SAHM for many years and me being a working wife).

He screwed her and so he screwed the kids & I, but most of all, he screwed himself.

ETA:

But despite all that, both my children mean the world to me,and I'd go through it all again (albeit, kicking him out on dday) to have both of them.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 6:55 AM, July 30th, 2014 (Wednesday)]

I have a unique perspective. (Well, so far in the thread.) my first H, DID leave before he cheated. Just as devastated, just as betrayed. Took just as long to heal, just as long to forgive. (Now, he sort of had an EA. They were really just friends, but it was toxic to our marriage because she was a manipulator, and hated me. She wanted him back with his ex girlfriend who was like her. And after months of lying me so he could hang out with her, she lied and told him his ex wanted him back, so instead of cheat, he left me the next day and went to the ex who laughed in his face, and told him to go home to his wife and baby. But pride and shame prevented that. And so to avoid admitting his mistake, he turned into an asshole and went through with it...) leaving before he attempted to cheat really only served to appease his guilt a little. My world came crashing down, just as hard. And he wasn't there to help. I lost my house, and had to move in with my parents.

FWH was able to own his shit, and help me heal. And I didn't have to start over completely. Had he left me for EAP before dday1. I would have lost everything, again. Probably would have had to move back in with my parents again, or get a shitty tiny apartment, take a job with shitty night hours, and never get to see my kids. Just like before.