My Story One year and nine days ago I waited excitedly to pick my fiance up from a five week field class he was taking to finish his degree. We were both in school and had become a little distant (we're both science majors - not easy!) but I had always felt we had a generally happy and strong relationship. I was so excited to see him again. When I picked him up I knew something felt "off" but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. He gave me a kiss and I could smell alcohol on his breath. He said he had been drinking in the van to celebrate coming home. Fine I thought - he's entitled to that. We argued that night when he told me he had been drinking heavily throughout the trip to deal with the stress. He had tried to hide this from me when we talked while he was gone. I slept on the couch that night.
The next day he said he needed to take a walk to "think about things" and invited me to come. I just thought he felt bad about drinking and lying and was prepared to hear him out - I was wrong. I so clearly remember exactly where I was standing when he told me. "There was a girl" he said, "She kissed me one night while we were drinking and I didn't stop her." Time stopped. My stomach dropped and my heart pounded. I was in shock. I never thought this would ever happen to us, and this was only the beginning.
In tears, I ran home. I paced around our apartment frantically as he sat on the couch watching me break down. I asked a million questions - who was she? how did this happen? what else happened? He said it only happened once and there was nothing else to it, and that he was sorry. At one point I am sitting there in tears, practically shaking with stress and he says he's going to take a walk to call his brother. He was leaving to call her, and I knew it. I somehow convinced him to give me his phone and I locked myself in the bathroom (not my finest moment). I called a number under a man's name I didn't recognize and a girl picks up. I calmly spoke with her, apologizing the whole time for the "awkwardness." She told me it had happened three times, but it never went beyond kissing. She claimed to be extremely drunk.
Time was blurry after that day, but we stayed together. He always claimed that he only wanted to be with me. The problem is, he lied about everything. He texted her the day I found out, met her the next day when he was supposed to be meeting me to talk it out. A week later he told me "things just don't feel the same" and we spent the night apart to think things over. He instead sent her an email saying that he missed her. Over the last year the truth about his trip slowly trickled out, after a million lies and arguments. They had spent a lot of time together on the trip. Many nights drinking and talking. Three times (that I know of) this lead to them kissing. He held her hand on the van ride home. She told him she loved him. She was only 21, also had a long-time boyfriend, and a history of cheating. She thought he was married, and I think, wanted to boost her self esteem by seducing a married man. He wanted to feel good about himself and a younger, attractive girl showed him attention.
We have been in counseling for most of the last year. Nothing has happened with her since the two weeks following the trip. He wrote her an email telling her he regretted their time together and that he was deeply sorry for hurting me. He is working hard to make things right and we are slowly repairing the damage. His confusion has lifted, but my pain is still there. I still wonder if their emotional affair was physical as well, though he swears it wasn't. I still feel like I can't believe it. How can I ever? I wonder if it even matters, but I know I can't move on without knowing the full truth. The problem is, there is no way to know for sure. He can't prove that nothing happened, and I can't yet trust what he tells me. Has anyone found a way to overcome this?
Thanks for reading. Sorry for the length. Such painful experiences are hard to condense. I truly believe that there is hope if you are both committed to each other, to learning, and growing. If you are reading this and unsure what to do, I urge you to look at your time together and consider giving your partner a chance. If you do, take care of yourself, but try to see the world from their shoes and give your love a chance to recover.
Don't forget he chose you,he could have gone with her.
Um, what?
I'm all for reconciling if that's what both people want, but this comment is, sorry, but insulting. My H chose me when he married me. Choosing to cheat later, but not actually leaving, is NOT a victory for the betrayed. It sounds so, well, defeated. Like, 'at least he didn't leave me' when the reality is he SHOULD have left before cheating.
For OP - you were separated for 5 weeks, and he found someone else. I'd work on the why there. If that little amount of time apart is all he needs to go looking elsewhere, there's a problem that he needs to be working on. That doesn't mean it can't be worked through and the two of you go on to have a happy life together, but that's something within him that seems to need someone to cling to.
Good luck in the future. If you both want it, it absolutely can work.
There was an incident yesterday for me where I had to choose to believe. Wh was due home around 8.30 pm and he works outdoors. He sat down to watch his livestock and fell asleep come home at 9pm. I did wonder where he was as he now always txt to let me know of he's going to b late. He came in explained and for a second it hit me I could believe what he said or not . He looked tired and we have a baby and he starts work 5am so pretty sure it was truthful.so I chose to believe. Sometimes it comes to things like that.
I think if ur wh is truly sorry and dojbg all he can to change and earn ur trust.u have the foundations to work on r. If he's still insistant after a year nothing else happened maybe u need decide whether to believe him or not. It's a hard decision to make.
I didn't ever mean my post to sound insulting to anyone I completely get ur response. It wasn't really meant the way I put it,( I was writing as feeding baby so fuzzled) Yes wh chose me and cocked up big time. But he's truly sorry,and he's chose to work it out with Me work on our marriage because he's loves me and made a huge mistake. An easier option would be to bolt and not work through these amazingly hard tines. He picked the rough ride ahead the hurtful painful road to try to work things through because he loves me.
