I have been trying to find anything that shows that yes, it is considered cheating, other than just my word saying it. Somewhere that says that I'm not the only one its happened to, that there are serious consequences for it and that it is something that needs to be dealt with just as if it were an actual affair.
Take some naked selfies of yourself , show them to him, and tell him there's a guy you met that you are sending them to . See if he still feels the same way that there is nothing wrong with it.
My guess is his attitude will change instantly
The 180. Do it. Don't argue. Just do.
Stop arguing with nonsense. No matter what someone else's definition might be, for you soliciting other women and sexting/sex chatting with them is not something you can accept in your marriage. Period. He can call it what he wants but you have the power to leave the marriage if this is something he requires in his life.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
jjct: The 180. Do it. Don't argue. Just do
Totally agree. You'll never win an argument like this. Even if the WS "agrees" he'll just harbor resentment and figure you're being a prude.
You need to demonstrate that it's not OK with you and that's the only thing that matters. He can then change his tune or not.
But this depends on you being serious. I'd be serious: no way I'd continue with a spouse that thought something like that wasn't cheating.
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
No idea if he will actually go forward with that info and actually agree but we are likely Ding anyways very soon.
I think for it to sink in maybe he needs a third party to say it and explain it. I definitely agree that it is cheating and get so fed up with that "well I never did anything!" bs.
I wish you the best of luck and don't let him convince it wasn't as bad as it was! It was cheating to you (and to most people I would bet) and he has to realize that in order for you to move on. I hope he comes around sooner than my Wh is.
Met - early 2006
Started dating - 12/06/06
Moved in together - 02/2007
Engaged - 2/14/13
Married - 10/26/13
DDay - 4/24/14
(EA with, IMHO, an attempt to turn it into a PA. OW wasn't interested and told me)
The 180. Do it. Don't argue. Just do.
What jj said.
Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16
It doesn't matter what anybody else says. If you feel betrayed then that's what it is. Period.
I have been trying to find anything that shows that yes, it is considered cheating,
^^^His denial of this is ridiculous. Once again, trying to make the BS feel as if s/he is crazy. Don;t buy into his bullshit.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
But he is argumentative.
Let him argue with himself. You don't have time for childish nonsense.
Detach, find a therapist, get healthy and strong so you KNOW that dating ads on Craigslist aren't part of a loving, healthy marriage and you'll have NO part of that little entertainment he's found.
It cannot be done.
Do the 180 and decide what YOU want for your life. Do you want deception, secrets, emotional infidelity?
His actions indicate he's got one foot out in the marriage. Doesn't matter if you call it cheating or not. It's him being a jackass, and a further jackass by arguing with you about semantics. He's controlling the conversation on his terms.
Stop the semantics war. He either will get it, or he won't.
Do the 180.
(My H did similar crap. You don't have to tolerate it.)
It is clear he is downplaying his bad behavior. For me, the definition of cheating can mean many things depending on the context. You can cheat on tests, homework, and taxes, for example.
Cheating in a marriage most often means having an emotional and/or sexual affair with another person while married. It does not matter to me whether some define this with specifics, such as actual sex must occur for it to be considered "cheating." But there are also many other things that are marriage dealbreakers in my book, such as physical/emotional abuse, drug abuse, too much drinking, general lack of effort to seek and keep employment, and the list goes on. And your H's definition of his own non-cheating behavior on CL would also be on my list of dealbreakers.
BrokenBrunette, tell him this: Okay fine, this is not your definition of cheating. We won't use that word any more. However, I am not okay with your CL activity. It is a dealbreaker in this M! It does not matter how much you downplay it or say it is not this or that, and is not a big deal. It is to me. Are you going to acknowledge what I am saying, or not?
From his answer, you can decide for you, regardless of what he says or does, or what his definition of cheating is, what you want to do. Stay married to him? D him? Keep in mind that he admits no wrong doing, then I see no reason why he would not continue doing it so part of your decision to stay married should be based on that.
This needs to be about you deciding what is best for you in the circumstances, not about ways to convince your WS that his definition of cheating needs to be expanded to cover what he has actually done.