SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

BrokenBrunette posted 7/29/2014 14:51 PM

My H and I argue about whether he's officially 'cheated' or not. I contend that he did - going on CL, emailing women and sending his picture are all considered cheating (the intentions were there even if he didn't follow through on it). He says that its not cheating because he didn't pursue anything.

I have been trying to find anything that shows that yes, it is considered cheating, other than just my word saying it. Somewhere that says that I'm not the only one its happened to, that there are serious consequences for it and that it is something that needs to be dealt with just as if it were an actual affair.

ncharge posted 7/29/2014 14:54 PM

What is the difference between that and sexting with someone that you never actually meet? Or having an on-line affair with photos or skyping of sexual content? None. It is cheating.

Badhurt posted 7/29/2014 14:57 PM

Broken Brunette

Take some naked selfies of yourself , show them to him, and tell him there's a guy you met that you are sending them to . See if he still feels the same way that there is nothing wrong with it.
My guess is his attitude will change instantly

jjct posted 7/29/2014 15:00 PM

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

The 180. Do it. Don't argue. Just do.

TheIrishGirl posted 7/29/2014 15:02 PM

Putting the ad out there I would say is more 'betrayal' than 'cheating', but really that's splitting hairs. Once there were emails back & forth it turned to cheating, it's called an online affair. There is back & forth with content and photos that he wouldn't have written/sent/read/viewed if you were sitting there too. There's a book called 'chatting or cheating' that I believe focuses on online affairs.

PeaceLove187 posted 7/29/2014 15:41 PM

He knows he was cheating. Honestly, he does, otherwise he would never have tried to hide it. There are couples who do it openly but that's not what happened in your marriage, is it? Then it was cheating, pure and simple, and he knew it while he was doing it.

Stop arguing with nonsense. No matter what someone else's definition might be, for you soliciting other women and sexting/sex chatting with them is not something you can accept in your marriage. Period. He can call it what he wants but you have the power to leave the marriage if this is something he requires in his life.

Lovedyoumore posted 7/29/2014 17:15 PM

Cheating / infidelity: The first moment he secretly contacted anyone with sexual or personal intent, whether in person, on the phone, by computer, or by mail. If he did not let you observe it, read it, or know about his communication, he cheated. Did he tell you, include you or share his emails? Were they hidden? If so, he cheated.

Gotmegood posted 7/29/2014 18:09 PM

In my book it qualifies as infidelity, and I do not want it in my relationship. It is secretive. It is deceptive. It isn't consummating a sex act, but it is clearly infidelity.

healingroad posted 7/29/2014 18:41 PM

jjct: The 180. Do it. Don't argue. Just do

Totally agree. You'll never win an argument like this. Even if the WS "agrees" he'll just harbor resentment and figure you're being a prude.

You need to demonstrate that it's not OK with you and that's the only thing that matters. He can then change his tune or not.

But this depends on you being serious. I'd be serious: no way I'd continue with a spouse that thought something like that wasn't cheating.

gottabeabiggirl posted 7/29/2014 18:51 PM

Are you in MC? My Wh who exchanged messages back and forth with my friend who he then fell in love with and still can't over is adamant he never cheated. Our MC finally called it out today and said he needs to understand it was indeed cheating. Was the first time he didn't argue when that was said, most likely because it was said by someone other than me. He seemed to sit there and think after it was said and not just roll his eyes and get defensive.

No idea if he will actually go forward with that info and actually agree but we are likely Ding anyways very soon.

I think for it to sink in maybe he needs a third party to say it and explain it. I definitely agree that it is cheating and get so fed up with that "well I never did anything!" bs.

I wish you the best of luck and don't let him convince it wasn't as bad as it was! It was cheating to you (and to most people I would bet) and he has to realize that in order for you to move on. I hope he comes around sooner than my Wh is.

Jrazz posted 7/29/2014 19:01 PM

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

The 180. Do it. Don't argue. Just do.

What jj said.

(((BB)))

outtanowhere posted 7/29/2014 19:42 PM

Texting and chatting up other women when you married is clearly a crossing of boundaries in and if itself. He was clearly testing the waters to see how far he could advance his "interests". What would have happened if you hadn't found out? When texting/sexting wasn't enough anymore? It's hard to stop a moving train.

It doesn't matter what anybody else says. If you feel betrayed then that's what it is. Period.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/29/2014 23:06 PM

There is a small section about Online Infidelity/engaging in Cyber Affairs.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/240050-what-behavior-is-considered-cheating-if-you-are-married/

I have been trying to find anything that shows that yes, it is considered cheating,

^^^His denial of this is ridiculous. Once again, trying to make the BS feel as if s/he is crazy. Don;t buy into his bullshit.

MissMouseMo posted 7/30/2014 00:15 AM

He's not stupid.

But he is argumentative.

Let him argue with himself. You don't have time for childish nonsense.

Detach, find a therapist, get healthy and strong so you KNOW that dating ads on Craigslist aren't part of a loving, healthy marriage and you'll have NO part of that little entertainment he's found.

meleanoro posted 7/30/2014 00:50 AM

You will drive yourself nuts trying to outlogic him.

It cannot be done.

Do the 180 and decide what YOU want for your life. Do you want deception, secrets, emotional infidelity?

His actions indicate he's got one foot out in the marriage. Doesn't matter if you call it cheating or not. It's him being a jackass, and a further jackass by arguing with you about semantics. He's controlling the conversation on his terms.

Stop the semantics war. He either will get it, or he won't.

Do the 180.

((((Brokenbrunette)))

(My H did similar crap. You don't have to tolerate it.)

Bobbi_sue posted 7/30/2014 01:23 AM

I do not agree with those recommending the 180, unless I know a lot more about your situation. IMO, 180 should be reserved for situations where the WS is actively pursuing/involved with an AP (or several potential ones in this case), and telling you he doesn't know if he wants to stop, or that he is not going to stop. I cannot tell from what has been posted thus far, what his attitude is regarding his own behavior continuing forward. Sometimes more communication is best, not less as in the 180.

It is clear he is downplaying his bad behavior. For me, the definition of cheating can mean many things depending on the context. You can cheat on tests, homework, and taxes, for example.

Cheating in a marriage most often means having an emotional and/or sexual affair with another person while married. It does not matter to me whether some define this with specifics, such as actual sex must occur for it to be considered "cheating." But there are also many other things that are marriage dealbreakers in my book, such as physical/emotional abuse, drug abuse, too much drinking, general lack of effort to seek and keep employment, and the list goes on. And your H's definition of his own non-cheating behavior on CL would also be on my list of dealbreakers.

BrokenBrunette, tell him this: Okay fine, this is not your definition of cheating. We won't use that word any more. However, I am not okay with your CL activity. It is a dealbreaker in this M! It does not matter how much you downplay it or say it is not this or that, and is not a big deal. It is to me. Are you going to acknowledge what I am saying, or not?

From his answer, you can decide for you, regardless of what he says or does, or what his definition of cheating is, what you want to do. Stay married to him? D him? Keep in mind that he admits no wrong doing, then I see no reason why he would not continue doing it so part of your decision to stay married should be based on that.

This needs to be about you deciding what is best for you in the circumstances, not about ways to convince your WS that his definition of cheating needs to be expanded to cover what he has actually done.

overandone posted 7/30/2014 03:36 AM

In front of my H, I began to sign up for an online dating website to show him how it felt. He said "well if that's what you want to do...". The look on his face said it all. I never did finish that application!