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Should I Contact the Possible OW??

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notyours posted 7/29/2014 15:40 PM

When I initially found out about my H's activities two weeks ago, I saw all of the the texts/picture sharing going on and I was disgusted and I felt that he was sleeping around. So I decided to call and find out what was going on, but I never did. And I couldn't confront him right away because the day that I discovered everything on his phone he got arrested for having a suspended license after a cab hit our rental car.
So that day I was going into the phone to find the phone number for the lawyer we had used to fight some traffic tickets and I discovered a whole load of texts between him and other woman, mostly him looking for someone else to "play" with.
I initially thought it was a friend using his phone, but "He" sent pics of himself so there is no denying that. So moving on, b/c I an going to starting to get furiously angry and I have an hour left to try to focus to finish at work.... I saved a bunch of the phone numbers and I've really been debating calling the woman to find out exactly what happened between them, was this all texting/on the phone/ did he meet her/ did they do it???

When he got out the next day I confronted him and he claimed he was going to tell me and was really trying to find a way to break it all to me, but at that point I already caught you so it doesn't mean anything. So far he denies sleeping with anyone, but I don't believe him even though he is saying the right things "verbally taking responsibility for his actions/behavior" and I need to know for myself.

I also want to add that he could be telling the truth about not sleeping with anyone else, he did share an incident that he met someone, but nothing happened because they "turned him off". I think he couldn't get it up to do it, but who knows?!? (Yes I got tested, waiting for results) The last results (2/14) from routine testing done by doctors office didn't produce any issues. Also I'm not too worried as he just donated a kidney to his sister back in April and they tested him repeatedly from Oct to April for all sorts of things.

So I really want to call, but because I don't know what I will find out, I'm scared and debating whether to call or not.

I think I will block my number,(should I call from unknown or use an app to change the way my # appears) has anyone done this before...called a OW or OM number they found in the phone.
I feel sick just thinking about what this OW might say.
Me: BS 30
Him: WH, 37 porn, sexting, pic sharing,& phone sex with women,+ maybe more for past 3 yrs..
2 kids, M 11 yrs, 2Gether 15yrs
Agreed to R, but doubtful and unsure if I should just move on alone.
We are scheduled for our 1st MC session tomorrow night... we'll see.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/29/2014 15:54 PM

Absolutely I would call. Don't be angry or mean -- if you act nice you will get more answers in my opinion.

I also want to add that he could be telling the truth about not sleeping with anyone else, he did share an incident that he met someone, but nothing happened because they "turned him off". I think he couldn't get it up to do it, but who knows?!?

Liar 101 -- admit to a plausible half-truth.

Guarantee there is more to the picture. He surely had intent to meet up and cheat, that's for sure

Have you searched his computer and looked at itemized phone recs from online billing statement.

notyours posted 7/29/2014 15:56 PM

He does everything on the phone, not on the computer and I have searched the phone, but nothing else concrete other than the texts between him and this OW.

painfulpast posted 7/29/2014 16:09 PM

I'd put a monitoring app on his phone so you can see what he's doing, read incoming/outgoing text, check websites, etc.

OW lie, a lot. I mean, as much as a wayward spouse lies. More, sometimes. You're hoping a woman that's willing to sext (at a minimum) with a married man will be honest. She won't be. She'll either cover for him to save herself the embarrassment/headache of answering your questions and to keep him happy, or she'll make it worse than it was in order to get you to leave him, so she can have him. ANY talk with OW is a waste of time.

If you want the truth, the real truth, you'll need to get it yourself. I'd put the monitoring software on his phone, and then tell him you're going to call her and get the truth. He'll most likely contact her directly to warn her, and hopefully they'll discuss the real truth so that they can get their lies straight.

There's even software that will record his phone conversations.

I'm sorry you're being given a load of garbage. The plausible half-truth that ShiningAutumn8 mentioned is exactly what happens, btw. They make themselves look bad enough that you think that's the truth, but in reality the truth is much, much worse.

Good luck. It's hard discovering all of this and trying to make sense of it. Keep posting for advice/support. There are thousands of members here, and between all of us, we've seen it all.

yearsofhurt posted 7/29/2014 17:01 PM

I also have tons of feelings of should I do as a betrayed spouse and have found myself in your situation again as well. I have been with my husband for 28 years since we were 17 in highschool and moved in together at 18. We have had some huge life things happen to us and our daughter that complicated our lives even more and I have been battling just to keep my head a-float in my marriage. My husband has humiliated me with flirting, texting/sexting, right in front of me and our daughter who now is 24...I just keep having him do this even in front of me and our friends once again last Friday! I have never done anything to betray him or our marriage, but he every time we go out flirts, and even was caught kissing a W in the bathroom of a place we were at with friends and our daughter and her boyfriend. The boyfriend recently told me he is sorry that he likes my husband, but he can't look at him the same way anymore, as his actions were out of line and just horrible and he is still in shock over it. I had my husband do marriage counseling back in 2010 in order for me to even try to have him back in my life again after I left him for a while and then got my own place. He went for 3 months and when it really was aimed at his behavior and what marriage and friendships are he walked out and said he would never go was ok when the blame or so he felt, was directed at me, but when the therapist said she was not sure how we have even made it back together or stayed at all, with all of the hurt that he has caused me and the damage he created with his actions..he refused to be acountable for what he did and tried to justify it. The thing that got me to leave a time ago, was he joined as a volunteer fire fighter and he began a friendship with a female there. He began to go to her house and go to dinner and movies and even take our daughter..he professed as all the fire fighter and friends also stated to me, was they were just friends, best friends and for me to get over it...even though she did things to me and was able to keep me out of their "friendship". After being hit by a teenager while stopped at a stopsign by our house and the officer (friends of her daad) refused to give her a ticket hitting me head on! Any way, I left my daughter being 6 months pregnant and my husband 10days before christmas and changed my number and so on to try to cope on my own. As he chased after me and we went back and forth and me seeing he still was going out with her, I cut him off and then he became a stocker, going to my work, the gym I went to, everywhere I could be to talk to me since I refused him. We sat down finally to file divorce and as I handed him my papaers he did not want to do that. We talked more and I gave my demands, I wanted to hear him cut off his"friend" either we meet her somewhere public or he calls he on speaker for me to he calls her and tells me first how she will be ok as they had this talk before and said she will be ok with it...NOOOO she was pissed at him and ranted and raved and told him she thot he would divorce me so they could date and called some of his family members for help with getting him back in her life and he just had his mouth wide open in shock...if i hadnt heard all that i know I couldnt let him in my life if he had a physical affair too. Anyway, after getting rid of her he began flirting with other females and it got and has gotten bad again. He has totally humiliated me and I am not feeling I can stay married to him anymore. We have alot in common and do alot together but he is not nice and acts like its a chore at times to be with me. Now after a situation this weekend I have so many more doubts and about it all and him and think he got physical with a woman after he got mad while we were at a friends house, he walks off so I drive home and he gets even more angry as I left him behind, so he takes a company truck full of stuff that has to go the dump and drives somewhere to come home about 2 hours later...then I see a new females # in his phone and call it and she get supset at who I am and freaks out and hangs up on me. She is a loser who just got out of jail and used to be with a cousin of his,,,,all of whom we have not seen or talked to in years or even know. He flrits with ramdom people and does not make sense and I am supposed to just keep forgiving him and get passed the humiliation and not knowing for sure if he has gone further to sleep around on top of it.

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