H handed me his laptop to read a joke. He was on his way out to pick up a script at the store. I read the joke and then poked around. I saw a lot of emails between him & *Lauren*. Lots of winkies & smilies :) - all font enlarged and bolded. One invited her to his office as he had her favorite candy. Like you, I wasn't as mad as I was sad.
He came back and got all exasperated that I could even think such a thing was going on again. Blah, blah, blah. I reminded him that he has had TWO affairs with coworkers.
He was quiet & distant for a few days. That's pretty typical of him. He needs to process things. He came to me a few days later and apologized and said "I guess I still have really shitty boundaries". Yep you do! I told him to unfriend her on FB - he said it was no big deal. I said I see that you searched her out and sent the friend request to her. He cried. He knew that I was ready to walk and this was non-negotiable. He unfriended her and I blocked her. Shortly thereafter she left the company for a new job.
I think unless WS are diligent and constantly checking themselves it is way too easy slip back into those old habits.
How did your WH react to discussing in MC? Does he *get it* at all?
Love kills slowly.
I think it is telling that while your sister was dying your WH started the cheating behavior again. A stressful life event is a pretty common time for those inclined to cheat to do so. To me, it sounds like your WH was kind of coasting through the last 3.5 years. Working superficially on the marriage, but not doing the hard inner work that would let him deal with stressful times in your marriage appropriately. Your WH isn't trustworthy or a safe bet right now. If he wants you to stay he has a lot of hard work to do.
The hardest part is the uncertainty I think, and the fear of offering trust agin only to be yet again made a fool of and hurt. If you decide to leave, you will be okay; but you don't have to decide yet. I'm glad you have a good MC. Has he read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass?
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:33 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
It takes so much energy to keep giving, in the midst of uncertainty.
What would trouble me about this is, if this is how your husband copes with stress, what happens as you get older, and may face sickness or more life altering events in your family?
I'm trouble by his reason: for the thrill of it. THis to me reflects a person who is ok with throwing a marriage & commitment under the bus due to poor impulse control.
It would make me wonder, what else will he do on impulse? Can I count on him?
Although it's good he identified his reason, I wonder if he has a plan for the future. How will he handle similar temptations, stressors, etc?
I empathize completely with the difficulty you face in making long term decisions. It's hard to detach from a person we love, even if they've gravely hurt us.
Can you think through things to do right now that take care of you? Like, walking alone, or seeing a movie by yourself, or taking a roadtrip to somewhere a few hours away. Space may help you see yourself, him, and the scenario more objectively.
[This message edited by meleanoro at 2:49 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]