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BHs: Did you confront OM? Any altercations?

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FindingStrength2 posted 7/29/2014 19:39 PM

A phone call? Show up at their doorstep? Threaten to physically hurt them?

I'm 3 months out, and for whatever reason, I have this growing rage/hatred for OM. I haven't had any contact with him to this point, but I really want to beat the shit out of him. He should be the least of my problems since we're not even in the same state anymore and he's not even the only OM for that matter. It's misdirected rage, but rage nonetheless.

Yes, I have plenty of anger at times for my WW and even her enabling "friends". However, I seem to reserve the desire to physically hurt someone to the OM that she had an affair with for 6 months. I'm returning to the city where he lives and where the affair took place for work purposes next week. I know the bar he hangs out at (also where my WW met him). For that matter, I also know where he lives and works. I have this urge to go to the bar and confront him. Maybe throw a punch, I have no idea. Thing is, I'm not the hot-headed macho-man type. I'm usually the calm and collected one. Heck, I'm not sure I've ever been in a legitimate fight, but can't help but think about it. Not sure what it would accomplish, but it eats at me that this guy basically walks away with no sort of atonement for his part in the mess. Probably just high-fives his buddies at the bar for getting a woman 20 years younger than him. Anyhow, I realize this can't be a good idea...I also thought about some worst case scenario consequences...I have professional credentials that I could in theory lose if I got arrested and got something on my record.

mike7 posted 7/29/2014 20:48 PM

who betrayed you?

he didn't owe you anything. Your wife is the culprit. she's the villain. He could have been anyone. If you want to get angry, get angry at your wife. she's the one who spread her legs for a stranger. she's the one who disrespected you.

you may be a tough guy. he may be tougher. you're going to his territory where his friends are. what if you get the shit kicked out of you and arrested? and then your cheating wife goes back and has sex with him again?

see what i mean? you're setting yourself up for more pain.

if you did beat him up. you get arrested for assault. there's no way he wouldn't file against you. hell, he's proven he doesn't respect you. doesn't care about you. physical revenge is the worst kind of revenge.

I'm not advocating this, but if you really want to hurt him, use your head. find a way to get him fired, or arrested, or hurt him in a more 21st century kind of way. Even the Mob uses their head now.

but really, the best revenge is to live well. live well and happy. if you can't do that with your cheating wife, get rid of her.

i wish you the best.

justme1264 posted 7/29/2014 20:51 PM

It won't do any good. I know this isn't what you want to hear right now. But, you have to come to terms with the fact your WW lied to him as well. And, he is delusional to have slept with a married woman regardless. If you do confront him what would it solve? chances are it would cause more problems, more anger, more regret. My recommendation is to get some IC. You have to get this stuff out one way or another.

For me, I not only got IC, but I used the boxing gym and my healthy release. I have some good sparing partners who I opened up to. They are good guys, and helped me release my anger when I needed to the most.

Also, you will be glad in the end you were the bigger man. He isn't worth your time.

wk55hn posted 7/29/2014 20:54 PM

If you fight him in front of his bar buddies, if he doesn't kick your butt outright, they will.

No matter how it turns out, it won't unf*ck your wife.

So how does this sound: laying on the floor with a bruised face and bruised ego while you are cuffed and booked for assault? Then you and other man and his friends get to agree not to press charges against each other.

If you're feeling this way, do yourself a favor and stay away from alcohol.

Did he work with your wife? Did he use work emails to communicate with her? What kind of job does he have? I was able to get some revenge on other man through his job.

HUM1021 posted 7/29/2014 20:55 PM

Will your wife be faithful to you while you are in prison?

10yearsafter posted 7/29/2014 21:00 PM

Proverbs 6:29 Let not the man that goeth into another mans wife go unpunished.

Let karma take care of him.

But yes I felt the same way. I also knew he was a coward and would have called the cops so I did not confront him in person. I am 6'5" former karate instructor. I would have beat him to a pulp.

But I'm not that guy.

I did call him and he was scared sh*tless. He didn't say a word after I was through he hung up.

A few months later he was laid off from his job. He and FWW worked for the same company.

Karma is a bitch and she is everywhere.

LosferWords posted 7/29/2014 21:02 PM

It's not worth it, FindingStrength. I have also usually been the "calm and collected one". This stuff will bring a primal anger out of you like you can't believe, though. For this reason, I stay clear of OM. Because to this day, I'm not sure how much I could control myself if I were to see him.

You do need a release for that anger, though. I went on a lot of walks, bike rides, practiced martial arts, and smashed a lot of spare lumber in my basement. I'd recommend a heavy bag over smashing lumber with bare hands, as I still have some scars from that.

You are much better and bigger than this guy. Don't let your anger towards his selfish and stupid actions, in combination with your wife's actions taint, ruin, or lose those professional credentials that you have worked so hard to build.

Sending you strength and peace.

FindingStrength2 posted 7/29/2014 21:04 PM

Yeah, I don't think I'd actually be stupid enough to pick a fight with the guy. I agree, not much good could actually come of it. But why do I keep thinking about it? Is it just a way of directing anger at someone besides WW? Maybe I want him to face some sort of retribution. He's a pompous asshole and scumbag. That's not going to change. I thought about ways of ruining his career. He's self-employed, but it's pretty easy to figure out who his clients are. He's also an adjunct professor at a university...pretty easy to send some emails that would be embarrassing for him. But none of this helps me at the end of the day.

I guess where I'm going with all of this: how do I stop wasting time thinking about OM?

[This message edited by FindingStrength2 at 9:13 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

wk55hn posted 7/29/2014 21:06 PM

I'm sorry man. I just read your story. She had you fooled, it's not your fault, there is no shame in ending it.

FindingStrength2 posted 7/29/2014 21:11 PM

You do need a release for that anger, though. I went on a lot of walks, bike rides, practiced martial arts, and smashed a lot of spare lumber in my basement. I'd recommend a heavy bag over smashing lumber with bare hands, as I still have some scars from that.

I have been working on ways to release the anger instead of keeping it bottled up inside. It started with a lot of walks and bike rides. That didn't cut it after awhile and now I've started lifting weights more and basically taking it out on my body. A couple weeks after finding out, I went back to my folks place and split firewood for long day. Maybe a punching bag or boxing class is next.

Iceland posted 7/29/2014 21:25 PM

Sorry for the pain you are going through. I can definitely relate to your rage. It's been over a year since I found out about my wife's betrayal and I still have anger and at times rage. The OM is a coworker of my wife's and I found out he was in Mexico on vacation with his buddies. I sent him a text just the first or second day he was there and asked if I could meet with him. I'm pretty sure my text put a damper on his vacation and that was my intention. To my surprise he agreed to meet with me. Honestly I had ever intention of just hammering this guy verbally but he was so pathetic both in demeanor and looks I just couldn't. I am an average looking guy but compared to him I look like Brad Pitt. At least IMO lol. Obviously looks are not a top priority for my wife and would venture to say for many woman. I'm 6'4 about 215lbs and work out. This guy was about 5'10 out of shape,chunky bald dude. I didn't know if I should be offended or what by my wifes choice but I do remember thinking to myself WTF, If you're going to cheat at least cheat up! My wife is a beautiful woman and frankly could get a much better looking guy compared to me and the OM . My wife described him as a gregarious,very sure of himself, very quick on his feet communicator. I was actually a little nervous about the confrontation but once I started talking the dude melted like butter. It wasn't even that fun telling him the things I had rehearsed for the 5 or so months since I found out. The biggest satisfaction was at the end of the short 30 minute chat/interrogation the dude asks me " so do I still need to look over my shoulder"? That was classic! You know what, even though I did derive some satisfaction from confronting him, it still didn't take away the pain and anger. I would say if you do want to confront the OM, ask yourself this question " What do I want to accomplish with this confrontation? Do you want an apology? What happens if he apologizes and you still feel like crap. Then what? As you stated your rage is misplaced and I'm glad you recognize that. The fact is no one forced our women to cheat on us. They made that decision.The pain and anger does diminish with time. I say if you love her and want to stay with her do everything you can to forgive her but to forget would not only be almost impossible but foolish. Hang in there and keep the faith!

LosferWords posted 7/30/2014 00:28 AM

I guess where I'm going with all of this: how do I stop wasting time thinking about OM?

That's going to take some time and some mental energy. I think it is a good sign that you view thinking of OM as wasting time. It took me a bit longer than you to get to that realization. Makes total sense, though. He had violated so many parts of my life, I didn't want him to violate the inner parts of my head anymore. I think the ultimate goal there is indifference. Getting him purged out of your head, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

I have been working on ways to release the anger instead of keeping it bottled up inside. It started with a lot of walks and bike rides. That didn't cut it after awhile and now I've started lifting weights more and basically taking it out on my body. A couple weeks after finding out, I went back to my folks place and split firewood for long day. Maybe a punching bag or boxing class is next.

Keep doing it. Go split some more firewood. Visualize that piece of firewood as his head if that helps you get him out of your head. Get the heavy punching bag. Take the boxing class. Worst case scenario, you are going to be in primo fighting shape. Also try to balance it out by doing some peaceful things that you like... eventually, when you are ready. I'm getting back into fishing again, and doing that with my boy.

Hang in there, FindingStrength. You will come out of this bigger and stronger than before.

Gman1 posted 7/30/2014 09:21 AM

Your post really spoke to me as I felt the exact same way as you do now and it was awful. I have never felt so much rage and hatred towards another human being in my life and there were times that I wanted to get at him with a Louisville Slugger. I wasn't interested in a fair fight, I only wanted to maim him so that he would somehow feel some sort of pain as I had felt. The thoughts at seeking justice nearly consumed me but I knew deep down that acting out physically was not the right choice. Not because I didn't believe he needed his ass beat in the worse way imaginable but because I didn't feel like going to prison. And I also was pissed at my WW's enabling friend as well. I did confront her and call her out for being a cheerleader while my wife was considering proceeding from an EA to a PA.

I know that my WW was to blame and the OM could have been anybody but he was the one who initiated and pursued. The thoughts about getting back at him nearly consumed me and I had to come up with a way to strike back but without violence. Since he was the son of a family friend, I decided exposing him publicly was the best course. I wanted all the world to know what type of man he really was. The first person I called was his father who was totally shocked that his son had done such a thing and immediately called his son. This was a good first blow. I then contacted the HR legal department at his workplace and had a telephone interview with them. He was reprimanded and he thought he was going to lose his job. Another good strike. The OM lives 2000 miles away.

He used Facebook to initially start a conversation with my wife. So I used FB as a tool against him. I won't go into all the details but I figured out a way to use FB with a fake account and posted the story of the A on his timeline and tagged several of his friends. A couple of days later he called me and begged me to stop and started apologizing profusely. An apology is all I ever wanted. When I got it all the hatred and rage left me instantly and I felt so much better. It was the biggest step in my personal recovery and it allowed our R to move along better and more quickly.

Had I not received the phone call I am not sure how long I would have been hung up on this phase. It was awful and I hope you can some how figure out a way to get through this. Maybe let the world know what type of guy he really is for yourself...

tearingaway posted 7/30/2014 09:33 AM

I confronted him at his workplace. I knew him because he worked with my WW. My WW and I actually went to dinner with him and his BW once before.

He was afraid I was there to beat the crap out of him, but there was no altercation. I simply wanted to see what he had to say about the whole thing and intimidate him a bit, too.

He begged me not to tell his wife because she would D him. I told him that I wasn't going to tell his BW because he was going to do it. I told him that his BW needed to call me ASAP, letting me know that he confessed to her, otherwise I would go to her workplace to tell her the bad news.

She emailed me a day later and then I spoke with her over the phone later to compare notes. Needless to say, they did not D. At the very least though, she knew that he was a man-whore and a scumbag. I have a feeling that he is on a pretty short leash now.

toomanyregrets posted 7/30/2014 09:34 AM

I called him at work.
Read him the riot act, not that I needed to.

He'd already been turned in to upper management by his assistant, a friend of mine, for fraternizing with a subordnate. A BIG, and I mean BIG !!, No-No where they worked.

I often wonder how he told his pregnant wife he got fired for screwing a married woman at work.

Badhurt posted 7/30/2014 09:35 AM

Confronting OM is a waste of time. There would be no other man if WW was not willing to fuck him. Too many guys direct anger at wrong person in attempt to deny the truth and portray WW as victim in order to hope for rationalization for R.
If you want to get back at OM, out him to wife or his work if that will cause havoc on his life. Nothing wrong with that and in many cases it ends the A.
Getting yourself an arrest record because some dickhead wanted to get laid is not smart even if you kick his ass

Hurthalo posted 7/30/2014 09:50 AM

I can absolutely sympathise. My fWW had an A with her co-worker, a smarmy nerd who stands nearly a foot shorter than me. The worst thing is, I had met this guy when I organised to have coffee with my wife one day at work and he tagged along (should have been a red flag). This smug fucker sat there and made small talk with me while he was planning on sleeping with my W.

So when I found out via TT that they hadn't just kissed once but had made out over 8 times and were 5 days away from going away on a worktrip together to consumate the affair, I absolutely lost it. As my wife admitted to each further betrayal, I started shaking with rage. Ashamedly, I put a fist through the dry wall of my house and tore my hand up. I grabbed my keys and tore off down the road...the only thing I could think about was turning his face into ruin. Hilariously, I had no idea where he lived! That didn't stop my wife from texting his BW warning her that I was on my way over!! Seriously though...I was frightened at the thought of what I might/wanted to do. His BW rang me in the end and calmed me down. I literally pulled over a few minutes later and sobbed before driving home. He sent me a message pleading with me not to hurt him. So there was that!

I calmed down somewhat over the next week and after he tried to break NC a few times, I told him I was coming to his work to have a chat to him about his lack of adherence to boundaries. I told him to bring a chaperone as I still couldn't guarantee his safety.

Anyway, he stood outside his work while a friend of his loitered in the foyer. I didn't touch him, but told him exactly what I thought of him and his unworthiness as a male. He stood there shaking and took it. I also told him other military friends of mine (fellow officers) knew exactly who he was and just one step out of line and he would be toast.

We've never heard from him again except for him emailing my wife one last desperate missive soon after that where he stated, 'your husband sounds like he can and will make decisions....he sounds like ten times the husband I am to my own wife.' You said it, dickhead.

The funny thing is, is that I am a very jovial and laidback person who rarely gets angry. In this case, it was his blatant disrespect (and my wife's...she didn't escape my verbal anger either) for my family, my daughter, military officer ethos, as well as constant attempts to break NC which just tipped me over the edge.

Williesmom posted 7/30/2014 09:53 AM

Not a man, but I did confront the OW. I beat the snot out of her because she came to my house to discuss their Lurve with my Wxh. I felt that was overstepping her boundaries in so many ways (fuck my husband, that's one thing... but to come to my house - hell, no).

The next day, the State Police visited my house because she filed assault charges. I wasn't home when they visited, but that was a scary time for me because I'm a professional and can't really have something like that on my record.

So, my advice to you is that while it felt good briefly - it wasn't worth it in the long run.

However, the Cop told me that she had a bruise around her neck that was exactly the shape of a handprint. Awesome.

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