I'm 3 months out, and for whatever reason, I have this growing rage/hatred for OM. I haven't had any contact with him to this point, but I really want to beat the shit out of him. He should be the least of my problems since we're not even in the same state anymore and he's not even the only OM for that matter. It's misdirected rage, but rage nonetheless.
Yes, I have plenty of anger at times for my WW and even her enabling "friends". However, I seem to reserve the desire to physically hurt someone to the OM that she had an affair with for 6 months. I'm returning to the city where he lives and where the affair took place for work purposes next week. I know the bar he hangs out at (also where my WW met him). For that matter, I also know where he lives and works. I have this urge to go to the bar and confront him. Maybe throw a punch, I have no idea. Thing is, I'm not the hot-headed macho-man type. I'm usually the calm and collected one. Heck, I'm not sure I've ever been in a legitimate fight, but can't help but think about it. Not sure what it would accomplish, but it eats at me that this guy basically walks away with no sort of atonement for his part in the mess. Probably just high-fives his buddies at the bar for getting a woman 20 years younger than him. Anyhow, I realize this can't be a good idea...I also thought about some worst case scenario consequences...I have professional credentials that I could in theory lose if I got arrested and got something on my record.
D-Day: April 2014
he didn't owe you anything. Your wife is the culprit. she's the villain. He could have been anyone. If you want to get angry, get angry at your wife. she's the one who spread her legs for a stranger. she's the one who disrespected you.
you may be a tough guy. he may be tougher. you're going to his territory where his friends are. what if you get the shit kicked out of you and arrested? and then your cheating wife goes back and has sex with him again?
see what i mean? you're setting yourself up for more pain.
if you did beat him up. you get arrested for assault. there's no way he wouldn't file against you. hell, he's proven he doesn't respect you. doesn't care about you. physical revenge is the worst kind of revenge.
I'm not advocating this, but if you really want to hurt him, use your head. find a way to get him fired, or arrested, or hurt him in a more 21st century kind of way. Even the Mob uses their head now.
but really, the best revenge is to live well. live well and happy. if you can't do that with your cheating wife, get rid of her.
i wish you the best.
DDay 1/15/2013
For me, I not only got IC, but I used the boxing gym and my healthy release. I have some good sparing partners who I opened up to. They are good guys, and helped me release my anger when I needed to the most.
Also, you will be glad in the end you were the bigger man. He isn't worth your time.
No matter how it turns out, it won't unf*ck your wife.
So how does this sound: laying on the floor with a bruised face and bruised ego while you are cuffed and booked for assault? Then you and other man and his friends get to agree not to press charges against each other.
If you're feeling this way, do yourself a favor and stay away from alcohol.
Did he work with your wife? Did he use work emails to communicate with her? What kind of job does he have? I was able to get some revenge on other man through his job.
Let karma take care of him.
But yes I felt the same way. I also knew he was a coward and would have called the cops so I did not confront him in person. I am 6'5" former karate instructor. I would have beat him to a pulp.
But I'm not that guy.
I did call him and he was scared sh*tless. He didn't say a word after I was through he hung up.
A few months later he was laid off from his job. He and FWW worked for the same company.
Karma is a bitch and she is everywhere.
You do need a release for that anger, though. I went on a lot of walks, bike rides, practiced martial arts, and smashed a lot of spare lumber in my basement. I'd recommend a heavy bag over smashing lumber with bare hands, as I still have some scars from that.
You are much better and bigger than this guy. Don't let your anger towards his selfish and stupid actions, in combination with your wife's actions taint, ruin, or lose those professional credentials that you have worked so hard to build.
Sending you strength and peace.
I guess where I'm going with all of this: how do I stop wasting time thinking about OM?
[This message edited by FindingStrength2 at 9:13 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]
I have been working on ways to release the anger instead of keeping it bottled up inside. It started with a lot of walks and bike rides. That didn't cut it after awhile and now I've started lifting weights more and basically taking it out on my body. A couple weeks after finding out, I went back to my folks place and split firewood for long day. Maybe a punching bag or boxing class is next.
That's going to take some time and some mental energy. I think it is a good sign that you view thinking of OM as wasting time. It took me a bit longer than you to get to that realization. Makes total sense, though. He had violated so many parts of my life, I didn't want him to violate the inner parts of my head anymore. I think the ultimate goal there is indifference. Getting him purged out of your head, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.
Keep doing it. Go split some more firewood. Visualize that piece of firewood as his head if that helps you get him out of your head. Get the heavy punching bag. Take the boxing class. Worst case scenario, you are going to be in primo fighting shape. Also try to balance it out by doing some peaceful things that you like... eventually, when you are ready. I'm getting back into fishing again, and doing that with my boy.
Hang in there, FindingStrength. You will come out of this bigger and stronger than before.
I know that my WW was to blame and the OM could have been anybody but he was the one who initiated and pursued. The thoughts about getting back at him nearly consumed me and I had to come up with a way to strike back but without violence. Since he was the son of a family friend, I decided exposing him publicly was the best course. I wanted all the world to know what type of man he really was. The first person I called was his father who was totally shocked that his son had done such a thing and immediately called his son. This was a good first blow. I then contacted the HR legal department at his workplace and had a telephone interview with them. He was reprimanded and he thought he was going to lose his job. Another good strike. The OM lives 2000 miles away.
He used Facebook to initially start a conversation with my wife. So I used FB as a tool against him. I won't go into all the details but I figured out a way to use FB with a fake account and posted the story of the A on his timeline and tagged several of his friends. A couple of days later he called me and begged me to stop and started apologizing profusely. An apology is all I ever wanted. When I got it all the hatred and rage left me instantly and I felt so much better. It was the biggest step in my personal recovery and it allowed our R to move along better and more quickly.
Had I not received the phone call I am not sure how long I would have been hung up on this phase. It was awful and I hope you can some how figure out a way to get through this. Maybe let the world know what type of guy he really is for yourself...
He was afraid I was there to beat the crap out of him, but there was no altercation. I simply wanted to see what he had to say about the whole thing and intimidate him a bit, too.
He begged me not to tell his wife because she would D him. I told him that I wasn't going to tell his BW because he was going to do it. I told him that his BW needed to call me ASAP, letting me know that he confessed to her, otherwise I would go to her workplace to tell her the bad news.
She emailed me a day later and then I spoke with her over the phone later to compare notes. Needless to say, they did not D. At the very least though, she knew that he was a man-whore and a scumbag. I have a feeling that he is on a pretty short leash now.
He'd already been turned in to upper management by his assistant, a friend of mine, for fraternizing with a subordnate. A BIG, and I mean BIG !!, No-No where they worked.
I often wonder how he told his pregnant wife he got fired for screwing a married woman at work.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife "Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart. Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele
So when I found out via TT that they hadn't just kissed once but had made out over 8 times and were 5 days away from going away on a worktrip together to consumate the affair, I absolutely lost it. As my wife admitted to each further betrayal, I started shaking with rage. Ashamedly, I put a fist through the dry wall of my house and tore my hand up. I grabbed my keys and tore off down the road...the only thing I could think about was turning his face into ruin. Hilariously, I had no idea where he lived! That didn't stop my wife from texting his BW warning her that I was on my way over!! Seriously though...I was frightened at the thought of what I might/wanted to do. His BW rang me in the end and calmed me down. I literally pulled over a few minutes later and sobbed before driving home. He sent me a message pleading with me not to hurt him. So there was that!
I calmed down somewhat over the next week and after he tried to break NC a few times, I told him I was coming to his work to have a chat to him about his lack of adherence to boundaries. I told him to bring a chaperone as I still couldn't guarantee his safety.
Anyway, he stood outside his work while a friend of his loitered in the foyer. I didn't touch him, but told him exactly what I thought of him and his unworthiness as a male. He stood there shaking and took it. I also told him other military friends of mine (fellow officers) knew exactly who he was and just one step out of line and he would be toast.
We've never heard from him again except for him emailing my wife one last desperate missive soon after that where he stated, 'your husband sounds like he can and will make decisions....he sounds like ten times the husband I am to my own wife.' You said it, dickhead.
The funny thing is, is that I am a very jovial and laidback person who rarely gets angry. In this case, it was his blatant disrespect (and my wife's...she didn't escape my verbal anger either) for my family, my daughter, military officer ethos, as well as constant attempts to break NC which just tipped me over the edge.
Me BS (34) WW (29) Married 2 years 2y old Daughter D-Day 05 Nov 13
The next day, the State Police visited my house because she filed assault charges. I wasn't home when they visited, but that was a scary time for me because I'm a professional and can't really have something like that on my record.
So, my advice to you is that while it felt good briefly - it wasn't worth it in the long run.
However, the Cop told me that she had a bruise around her neck that was exactly the shape of a handprint. Awesome.
