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Processing the I Love Yous...

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jendo posted 7/29/2014 21:19 PM

I am almost 4 months post dday. WH has really done everything "right". He apologizes daily. He thanks me often for not leaving. He showers me with love- really I feel love for him like I never have. I have spent the past almost 4 months debating PA vs EA. He claims EA. I had a hard time understanding that- why wouldn't it have gone PA? But in time I am accepting that it may very well be an EA- everything he says is checking out and I am accepting that I may never know the truth. With all of this I have kind of ignored the real depth of what an EA truly is. I discovered my WH's A when I found a message he sent to OW stating "I fxxxing love you more than you will ever know. I am not just saying this because I am drunk as fxxx, it's because I really love you...." I don't think I have let myself really process what I feel about this. I hear my husband say I love you to me many times a day and I really do believe that he does, but how does one even go about accepting those words when they have been really tainted? He has told me that he doesn't think he really did love her now that the fog has lifted. I just know that I have not even started to process the emotional side of all of this...It's hard!

RidingHealingRd posted 7/29/2014 22:51 PM

how does one even go about accepting those words when they have been really tainted?

I am 3.5yrs years post Dday, with a remorseful WH who has worked daily to right his wrong, and I have no desire to hear him speak those words. What matters more is his daily effort to prove his love for me...that I do accept and acknowledge.

It is quite possible that one day you will be open to accepting his "I Love You". At 4 month out your feelings are very normal. I completely understand how you feel but try not to stress over it.

I remember telling my WH not to say those words to me. I know that it bothered him but he respected my needs. If it bothers you ask him not to say it, at least for right now.

This is a terribly difficult journey but with time, and a remorseful WS, will get easier.

Wishing you strength.

Ostrich80 posted 7/30/2014 01:47 AM

I can't imagine how painful that must have been to see those words. I've said a million times I wish I could recover texts between ws and ow but I know if I were to see that, I would prob not recover. I would expect to see, I want to f**k your brains out, but ily...ouch,.I don't want to see.
I totally get why you feel it s difficult to process when he says, ily to you. I hope thongs get better for you. Just sucks

stunnedmullet posted 7/30/2014 02:08 AM

Like Ostrich I never got to see the messages between the two which I hate, but I don't think I honestly would have survived it. I am struggling to make it through each day as it is.

I know he told her he loved her many many times but to see it written may have totally pushed me over the edge.

I am sorry you had to see that again :(

takingitdaybyday posted 7/30/2014 02:18 AM

StunnedMullet -- trust me it is not easy to get over seeing those words so don't hate too much that you didn't see it. I think reading the various emails my brain even shut off all of the words to save my heart/sanity. I get Jendo what you are saying.. In my situation I got to see the emails that my WH had with the OW and you replay those words over and over. He has said that he was caught up in the "fantasy" that he didn't mean those words and he just felt bad because the OW had said those first. I questioned him a lot on if he said those words to her then did he mean it when he said ily to me. I guess I have come to terms that if he really loved her wouldn't he have chose her, not me? Its not easy that's for sure. I think you can't move forward stuck on words. As they say - actions speak louder than words.

MissTrust posted 7/30/2014 03:40 AM

I also recovered texts and pictures and had to read the 'I love you' and 'I miss you' as well as the is devastating and those messages are burned into my mind. I can recite them word for word.
WH tells me he didn't mean it, he liked her and got on with her, but always knew he never loved her. Says she could have been anybody and it was the escape that he loved. I believe she loved him (or thought she did- she loved the bullshit made up version of him that she thought she knew),and wanted him to leave me to be with her, which he told her he wanted to do, but there was always a reason why he couldn't do it 'yet'. Tells me he never had any intention of leaving me but that he had to say these things when she asked him when he was leaving me to keep her sweet lest he lose the escape he needed!!

How will I ever know if that is true or if he meant it?? I guess I won't. But appears to be genuine and remorseful, and is doing everything right. I have never felt so loved. He has definately changed. He says looking back at it all, it doesn't even feel like it was him and that when he thinks about it it's like watching someone else in his mind. It hurts that he said those things to her, but at the end of the day it's only words. Talk is cheap. If he had really loved her, he would have left me to be with her. Wouldn't have dropped her like a hot cake when I found out. Wouldn't have hidden her number under someone elses name- that's not love, it's shame.

We do exhange ILY's, always have but I no longer initiate because I feel I am betraying myself by continuing to love him and that I shouldn't love him at all after what he's done. Until I can make peace with the fact that I do, I don't think I will be comfortable to initiate again.


Frankie80 posted 7/30/2014 04:16 AM

Add me to the list of BS who got to read the texts. It's truly one of the most painful things and if you've seen my recent post you'll know I'm reliving it right now by finding more old stuff.
My WH too said he never meant it but it's so hard to believe someone who has lied to you especially when give seen it in black and white.
I'm sorry Jendo, no real advice from me just hugs and a wish that it gets better for you x

jendo posted 7/30/2014 08:50 AM

I really only have this one text- that's it. I think that is hard too- I almost wish they hadn't deleted everything because this one painful text is all I have to "explain" what their relationship was. I found it while he was in the shower one morning- I was blindsided- his phone had made a strange noise and I looked- wasn't even suspecting.

He too has said that he quickly came out of the fog and now knows that he never loved HER- he just enjoyed the escape. There is so much evidence in his actions backing this, but it is still hard. OW was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer right after dday and this doesn't seem to bother him- I know if he truly LOVED her he would have gone to her right then and he did not- he has remained NC despite her tragedy. He shows me more love than he ever has. Last night we discussed it and both of us were crying. He says that he closer he is to me the more painful it is too because he just doesn't understand WHY he would have done that and he hates how much he has hurt me. Really, he is doing everything right...Like I told him last night I know it is just going to take time.

It is just so painful. "I love you more than you will ever know..." That just doesn't seem like something you say without meaning it. So hard to process. The FXXXs were kind of what gave it away. On DDAY he immediately tried to say that the message was for me and he accidentally sent it to her (her name is close to mine) but he never talks to me like that so I was suspicious.

It's our 20th anniversary today so I think I"m just feeling things a little more strongly. I love where I am with my husband today, but I hate what has brought us here. I hate that I even have to consider how to process the fact that my husband "Was in love with" another woman. Ugh.

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