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So much pain tonight

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Frankie80 posted 7/29/2014 22:40 PM

A bit of b/g so you guys no what I'm on about! During his A with COW my WH would write his feelings/copy texts etc. into his notes on his phone, unknown to him these would periodically send themselves to a folder in his email account which is where I found ALL of them on DDay . Eventually we deleted them together because I wanted to stop reading them.
So tonight he's away with work in the city where he had his affair, I can't sleep and because I'm my own worst enemy I started searching for random words in his email account and some more pop up. From just before I found out when they were in an 'off' period of the A. The pain of reading the things he was texting to her about love and missing her is unbearable. I feel like I'm back at DDay all over again, I'm shaking, feel sick and so angry with myself for looking for it in the first place. I'm such an idiot. And now I don't know how to stop feeling like I want out of this because I can never get over knowing he loved her. All those texts are burned into my brain. We were doing really well with R and now I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm struggling to rationalise it all, we've talked so much about why he said things to her to get her chase him because he craved the attention. I know it wasn't real love, I know he wants to be with me.
I don't even know what I'm asking here if anything. It just hurts and I'm so tired of feeling like this

norabird posted 7/29/2014 23:17 PM

((((Frankie)))

Any new discovery reopens the wound and feels like a new DDay. It hurts to have your healing and progress disappear into a mass of pain again. It is okay if this ends up being a deal breaker. It is okay that you went digging--sometimes we have to pain shop because we don't feel secure and we want to keep ourselves from being too trusting.

No matter what happens, know this intense pain will pass. Hang in there. Sending peace and strength tonight.

Flourgirl posted 7/29/2014 23:57 PM

((Frankie)) I'm so sorry your hurting.

Ostrich80 posted 7/30/2014 01:52 AM

I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine seeing those words. I'm sure its just like a shock to you all over again..

Frankie80 posted 7/30/2014 02:52 AM

Thank you so much for your replies. I think you're right norabird that I do it stop myself from being too trusting, it's like I don't want to forget what he did and allow myself to trust him I need to remember how much it hurt. I really didn't think I'd find anything. I know it's old stuff, nothing I haven't seen before but it hurt me so much more than I could imagine.
I'm also terrified that his A will end up being a deal breaker, we have / small children and I'm a SAHM. Sometimes I wonder how much I'm scared of how my life will change and I'm so angry with him for putting me here. I thought I had processed this and the roller coaster was evening out a bit.
Thank you all again for reaching out to me. It means a lot x

[This message edited by Frankie80 at 2:53 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

bigskyblues posted 7/30/2014 03:25 AM

Frankie, I noticed that your Registered Date is only 7 or 8 months ago, that is barely any time at all for the healing process. It isn't unusual to trigger and feel like a huge setback at only a few months out from Dday. So just know that your feelings are perfectly normal for your situation, and anger is a normal healthy part of the grieving process.

We all know and have felt that pain you are going through, keep posting here, I know it sure helped me through the worst of the pain.

Only time will tell if it is a deal breaker. There is no right or wrong in choosing to R or choosing to D. At some point your heart and your mind will line up together and you will know which is the right path for you.

Wishing you some peace and strength!

BSB

tfkeel posted 7/30/2014 03:31 AM

There is no right or wrong in choosing to R or choosing to D.

My greatest regret is that I didn't, at the time, fully understand this.

Because of my FOO and community of upbringing, there was "wrong" in D.

My best option would have been D but I couldn't "go there".

Frankie80 posted 7/30/2014 04:35 AM

Thanks BSB, I needed to hear that. I'm so wrapped up in trying to do the right thing for my kids and me I hate feeling so out of control. I think because so much has happened since last year it feels like more time has passed.
What to do with the messages now though???? My WH (surprise) wants me to delete them to stop myself from pain shopping but I can't bring myself to do it even though I also can't bring myself to look at them. Reading them over won't achieve anything but for some reason I'm scared to delete

Frankie80 posted 7/30/2014 04:38 AM

Thanks for your input tfkeel, I was going to ask if you are divorced now but had a look at some of your posts and have seen your profile. I'm sorry.

[This message edited by Frankie80 at 4:40 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

devasted30 posted 7/30/2014 06:24 AM

Frankie80, I received some very painful emails from OW. A friend suggested I print them off and put them away somewhere. And that is what I did. At the beginning, I would bring them out and re-read them practically everyday. Over time I stopped and I haven't read them now in over 6 months. I hope to someday be able to shred them and toss them away.
I bet that would work for you to. There is something almost cathartic about this. The pain is hard to get through, but we have to ride it out to get over it. It can't be skipped or pushed aside. Perhaps this is your way of getting through it.

Frankie80 posted 7/30/2014 07:14 AM

Thank you devastated30 I might do that. Having them in my phone makes it all to easy to look at them. I think the idea of having them somewhere I had to think about it to get them out might help with that. Sometimes I can talk myself round and rationalise why I'm doing it but most times it's like a compulsion and with one look there they are I'm still cross with myself for searching again, pain shopping sucks.

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