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ProbableIceCream posted 7/30/2014 00:50 AM

I decided today to let things calm down and stop worrying about my future because worrying isn't helping, and pushing myself too hard because of worrying is being counterproductive. (Basically I worry when I don't have an exact plan for something really important--in my case, it was housing and now it's finding my next job, which I actually have a fair amount of time left to do.)

It helps a lot that I have a stable place to live again and that I picked it out and have full control over what goes into it, so there's a big sense of ownership. I'm actually being very picky about what I bring into the place. I'm kind of a minimalist.

I got back to meditating today and back to cardio yesterday. Meditating has been hard to do, probably because I've been feeling overwhelmed and trying to distract myself from the present. But I did it.

Anyway, I'm just going to try to follow my own sense of what to do, and take it really easy on myself and basically pretend that things are already okay, because I think that gives me the best chance of a good outcome. I'm thinking my fears are illogical anyway.. it's just when I have trouble with energy or cognition I can get into this stress spiral because for a long time energy and cognition were all I had going for me... they allowed me to do well at my job and earn money. And thereby take care of my daughter and so on.

fraeuken posted 7/30/2014 02:14 AM

No words of advice, just hearing you out here in Cali. I stress myself out over stuff as well, or at least I used to. Unless it is life threatening, it is not worth it. You are strong, you will make it!!

Jrazz posted 7/30/2014 03:00 AM

You're doing a great job of taking care of your daughter. You deserve your own focus and kindness as well.

(((PIC)))

norabird posted 7/30/2014 08:54 AM

I think letting go of your fear would be wonderful for you. We aren't ever going to be able to control everything in life; you're doing a great job at handling the logistics of what *is* in your control, so trust yourself to pull it all together. Sounds like some meditation will be just the right antidote!

ProbableIceCream posted 7/30/2014 17:53 PM

I took care of a few routine personal tasks today. Located some forms, printed them out, filled them out, and scanned and emailed them to where they need to go. Nothing too stressful or hard. But man, it was a lot of effort mentally. That's an example of what I mean by my energy/cognition are low...

Anyway, I'm proud of myself for catching up on those things (they were important--school related, mostly), even though I can remember a time when it wouldn't have seemed like that much.

Even writing this is difficult for me today. My brain hurts.

ProbableIceCream posted 7/30/2014 18:10 PM

(also, this is what has historically scared me about the job thing.. jobs in my field require A LOT of mental clarity.. but I'm trusting that if I take care of myself/recuperate, it will get much better)

FaithFool posted 7/31/2014 08:49 AM

You're doing amazingly well. They say worry is a waste of the imagination, and it's true.

I meditated a lot through the worst of things and it's a lifesaver. Which reminds me, I must start again.

It's ok to be mentally exhausted. Once you refill the tank you'll be right as rain and ready to take on the next hurdle.

ProbableIceCream posted 7/31/2014 17:54 PM

Thanks, FaithFool.

It's really scary giving up control of stuff. I have a tendency to try to keep all the important stuff in my head. Today that just wasn't flying.. brain would not let me think, period. I knew there were no deadlines passing or anything weird happening, so I just turned off my phone ringer and got some rest.

I am unbelievably fortunate to have a period of time in which my work is both telecommute and my duties are extremely light, until I find my next job, and I hope that gives me the ability to heal out of days like this. It's really not just for work purposes either, that I want to get better. I want to be able to enjoy life/engage with my daughter too.

Amazonia posted 7/31/2014 19:46 PM

Have you found a local doc yet to help you adjust your meds?

ProbableIceCream posted 7/31/2014 19:49 PM

Nope. But I am going to try to find one or more tonight who I can call to set up an appointment tomorrow. I think that's a worthwhile thing to do.

ProbableIceCream posted 7/31/2014 19:59 PM

I found a couple that appear to have good ratings and are nearby, to call tomorrow. At the very least this will get me started. (I find that sometimes I run into a dud and have to change doctors...)

ProbableIceCream posted 7/31/2014 21:11 PM

Honestly I think this stuff is all exacerbated by stress, so........ yeah, seeing the right doctors and taking care of myself is all I can really do. I've been really pushing the changes this year.

There's a meditation group that my current work offers that I'm going to find out more about.

ProbableIceCream posted 8/1/2014 01:45 AM

So I went and helped a friend move today. Got some exercise out of that, which is great. Sort of interesting, though, is that I'm noting the same fatigue when doing physical things as when doing mental things. So... yeah, that's consistent with stress. I really do push myself pretty hard, and in some ways that are not very flashy but hopefully will pay off later.

ProbableIceCream posted 8/1/2014 12:38 PM

I now have an intake appointment for Tuesday afternoon at the latest.

nowiknow23 posted 8/1/2014 14:41 PM

Excellent. Keep doing things as you are, PIC - step by step, bite by bite. You're doing great.

ProbableIceCream posted 8/1/2014 22:28 PM

thanks, NIK.

This is a new way of doing things for me. I think this relocation was my last "seizing control" move for a while (at least until I recover a bit more). Now I have to learn to be okay with not being able to do that, and just trust that things will work out... not very easy, but I've made all the moves I can and exhausted all my options for now, so... yeah.

Amazonia posted 8/1/2014 23:47 PM

You're doing great.

NIK took the words outta my mouth.

I agree - this has been a ton of huge transition, and you are doing a great job of handling it all. None of it's easy, but you are putting one foot in front of the other, getting out of bed each morning, and making progress. And you have a plan! That's a HUGE piece, having a timeline and a plan, because it means you can move forward as a reasonable but still effective pace.

Keep it up.

ProbableIceCream posted 8/2/2014 21:57 PM

phew. man, today was rough. i just drifted in and out of sleep all day. went and saw a movie just now, but that was all i did.

thanks for the encouragement.

nowiknow23 posted 8/2/2014 22:33 PM

((((PIC)))) It's ok to take a day off to check out and recharge, Hon. Take several if you need.

norabird posted 8/2/2014 22:38 PM

How was the movie?!