forgiveness is the decision that you won't let what the other person did stand between the two of you anymore
In order to achieve a state of "forgiveness", I had to completely detach from fWW. Trying to continue the relationship in light of the fact that she didn't "get it" was only fomenting my anger and hurt on a day-by-day basis.
After my detachment, I could actually get enough long periods with no hurts in them in order to put the past into the past.
"careful.. don't be too happy because you never know".
I think it's self-defense, thinking about the A and 'how could he do this'. He caused you so much pain and it's hard to forget about it.
I am 9 months from Dday and am still stuck in this negative rut. But my WH took his A underground and I think that may be a deal breaker.
We resume MC next week and I'll definitely be asking the counselor, "How do I stop obsessing?"
Good luck to you!
I also understand the negative rut. I get in those too - I have bad days then ok days.. but there are some times that are harder than others. My MC said that I am hard on myself as I constantly think of the A and she said that the details are out and I need to move forward and try not to think of it but focus on positive things and if my mind goes negative then to think of things my WH has done to improve, or the reasons we had come up with regarding why the A happened.
Is the A now over? So he said he stopped then continued it? I think regardless we put ourselves in this negative rut about the unknown and I never will truly understand how he could do this to me - to us - especially since he had been cheated on in his past and knew the hurt it caused.. but I guess its more important to think of the big picture and where we will be in a year.. 5 years.. 20 years.. hopefully both have learned from our mistakes and better off :) Good luck to you too!