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takingitdaybyday posted 7/30/2014 03:01 AM

D-Day for me was a bit now (Feb 10/14) and never got around to posting. I used these forums a lot though and they really helped me. This was, as I am sure it is for everyone else, a life altering moment and really challenged my trust and my relationship. My WP (boyfriend I live with of 4 years) had a PA and EA with a co-worker for 3 months before I found the emails and the A came to light. Right around Christmas time, and New Years. We had even gone on a vacation out of country and he had continued to email her with lies about where he was during this time. I wish it was simple that that was it and we moved on. It was hard. He had lied originally saying it was only an EA but turns out upon reading the e-mails completely the next day I realized it was not just an EA but a PA on multiple occasions. The OW worked with him so it was tricky to move forward. The words of the emails plagued my thoughts, with ily and miss you and sexual messages. I was lost. He immediately wanted to fix us and figure out how to. He was very good at trying to comfort me by working different shifts but it still is an issue because they still work at the same place. The OW tried to stay in touch with him but as far as I know he cut off all contact with her. We had a tricky time with him wanting "space", me needing space, and fighting, it felt like we became different people. It was one of the hardest times in my life. We went to counseling, I read any book I could find for help, and came to this forum. We had what I call our "epiphany" day. He had lied about where he was one day not with her but still a lie and the truth came out - and that was it for me. I had enough of the lies, enough of the heartbreak and tears, and I was at my wits end. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like we both saw the end of the relationship in our sights and something changed in him - and us. To that day he became a kind person who cared about me - and was open and gave me reassurance whenever I need it. However, even with 5 months down - I still think about it. Not in the depth that I did at the beginning.. but I can't help but dwell on the "how could he do that to us?", or "why would he let that happen".. I know counseling has helped but I still struggle with thinking about it. Thinking about the words he said to her, and the actions they did together. I feel so great some days - then kind of have a moment where I go "careful.. don't be too happy because you never know". I wish somedays I could go without thinking about it. I could feel like no woman could get between us. I lack that confidence I once had. Even though my WH makes me feel desirable and attractive I guess his actions are what I question. Does it get easier? Do you constantly think about why or how could this happen? It feels like a nightmare sometimes. I look forward to helping who I can and getting help from you all :)
I liked this quote it said "forgiveness is the decision that you won't let what the other person did stand between the two of you anymore" .. I am working on that :)

tfkeel posted 7/30/2014 03:09 AM

forgiveness is the decision that you won't let what the other person did stand between the two of you anymore

In order to achieve a state of "forgiveness", I had to completely detach from fWW. Trying to continue the relationship in light of the fact that she didn't "get it" was only fomenting my anger and hurt on a day-by-day basis.

After my detachment, I could actually get enough long periods with no hurts in them in order to put the past into the past.

OakStreet posted 7/30/2014 04:42 AM

"careful.. don't be too happy because you never know".

I think it's self-defense, thinking about the A and 'how could he do this'. He caused you so much pain and it's hard to forget about it.

I am 9 months from Dday and am still stuck in this negative rut. But my WH took his A underground and I think that may be a deal breaker.

We resume MC next week and I'll definitely be asking the counselor, "How do I stop obsessing?"

Good luck to you!

takingitdaybyday posted 8/1/2014 00:30 AM

I totally understand not being able to put the hurt behind as I know I contemplated many times if I would ever be able to get over this - and at the same time if our relationship was worth fighting for. Ever since the epiphany day that my WH had - he has become completely devoted and understanding.. constantly reassuring me and ensuring that in situations I might be unsure of like when I would go to work he would go to her house.. so instead he comes to visit me at work - or if he does go out shows me the receipts - and yes I know really if he wanted to find time he would .. but he is doing everything in his power to reassure me and I think that makes a big difference as opposed to having a partner that doesn't care to fix the relationship.

I also understand the negative rut. I get in those too - I have bad days then ok days.. but there are some times that are harder than others. My MC said that I am hard on myself as I constantly think of the A and she said that the details are out and I need to move forward and try not to think of it but focus on positive things and if my mind goes negative then to think of things my WH has done to improve, or the reasons we had come up with regarding why the A happened.
Is the A now over? So he said he stopped then continued it? I think regardless we put ourselves in this negative rut about the unknown and I never will truly understand how he could do this to me - to us - especially since he had been cheated on in his past and knew the hurt it caused.. but I guess its more important to think of the big picture and where we will be in a year.. 5 years.. 20 years.. hopefully both have learned from our mistakes and better off :) Good luck to you too!

amanda123 posted 8/1/2014 07:17 AM

Hello Takingitdaybyday, Glad you found us here. You literally do have to take it day by day. Your feelings and emotions will be all over the place. Betrayal and deceit by the person you most love and trust, is a life altering event.
I struggle with thinking about what my H said to the OW, what they shared. I was never a jealous person but it kills me when I recall what the OW told me, that they loved each other and that I was in the way.
Many of us lose our confidence, lose weight, lose sight of who we are, lose direction, cant sleep, cant focus, feel down, feel depressed, feel angry, feel hurt, feel hate, feel lost, feel isolated, feel that we will never be the same person again.
You cannot put a time limit on trying to "get over" what has happened to you. You have suffered a trauma so take all the time you need to recover.
Your H seems to be doing all the right things. It will take time for you to start trusting him again. Have you taken a look at the Healing Library? Lots of good reading there, keep reading other people's posts and you will see that you are far from being alone.

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