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my feelings about a R keep changing. Any advice, please?

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Rubix posted 7/30/2014 05:06 AM

I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by R. I keep going back and forth. Blowing hot and cold. I know that's not fair on him. My trouble is I do love him and care for him, and I worry he would do something stupid if we S. I couldn't live with that, what if our child blamed me for never being able to meet his father? I've already had this problem with my XWF, several times, talking him out of doing something silly. It was so emotionally draining. I don't need that again while heavily pregnant and looking after a 5 year old. At the same time I don't connect with him anymore and feel I'm not sexually good enough anymore. I don't trust him. He was/is a cybersex addict. He still looks at all kinds of weird shock sites. Yesterday he was listening to a podcast on morality: sexual ethics. :/. The weird thing is, he is a nice guy. He does alot for me. The other day he surprised me with a baby shower at my best friends house. For a while I thought I was in love again and was ready to put my wedding ring back on. Then yesterday I went back to feeling numb and unattached again. Playing all the mental movies. Things he sent and said. I just keep thinking "addicts don't change. He's a very good liar. He's using me. I'll never be enough for him". Are these feelings and thoughts normal or should I work up the courage to ask for a S?

BtraydWife posted 7/30/2014 08:14 AM

You don't have to make any permanent decisions until you feel sure about how you feel. I would bet that how you feel goes hand in hand with his behavior.

Listening to a podcast about sexual ethics does not make it ok to still be visiting these sex sites online. He can not visit these sites anymore, period.

He is jerking you around, no wonder your feelings change so often. Cheaters do this to keep you guessing, to keep you off balance. You need to get to a stable place mentally before you can expect to know what you want to do.

Nice guys don't cheat. One behavior does not negate the other. He sounds really shifty and his best attributes come out of excuses you are making for him.

Start the 180. Take a big step back and disengage from him.

When he behaves like a jerk he is showing you who he is, you should believe him. Stop bargaining for your standards. They are not up for negotiation just because he can't meet them.

gottabeabiggirl posted 7/30/2014 17:22 PM

I am in the same boat. The advice I have gotten here all says leave immediately as my WH has a lot of issues requiring therapy to fix and I am young with no shared assets or kids.

However, I just go back and forth. I have been on the brink of D for days, closer than I have ever come and thought for sure I would be filing today. Then I feel like maybe there is hope as he is slowly (after every damn fight) seeming to get things.

I know for me, at least today, I am not yet ready to make that choice. I take everyone's advice here to heart and its left me very uneasy. When it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and EVERYONE says it is a duck... yeah I feel stupid for not listening. But I know I have to do it when its right for me.

I'm not sure I'd take advice from me since I can't seem to listen to it myself right now but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in these feelings.

Much like what BtraydWife said, no more sites AT ALL! This has been so hard with my WH, he keeps wanting to converse with younger girls and people he has had some attraction to in the past. Fact is he has boundary issues and doesn't get to determine which people are ok, he has proven to me time and time again he doesn't make smart choices there. Until he has proven himself that stuff is off the table. I think going cold turkey is the best way to deal with it anyway. Your WH should do the same, NO sites until he can learn to control himself and has proven it to you at the very least, maybe never again.

tfkeel posted 7/30/2014 19:50 PM

Are these feelings and thoughts normal (?)

Any feeling or thought which is TRUE is normal. The only time one needs to ask about normalcy of thoughts or feelings is when they are FALSE.

Let's see how yours fare in a little "pop-quiz"....

addicts don't change.


He's a very good liar.


He's using me.


I'll never be enough for him


should I work up the courage to ask for a S?

Ask ? No. You don't need anyone's permission to S, other than YOURS.

FixYou71 posted 7/30/2014 21:28 PM

To respond to your first issue, your ever changing feelings about R...FEELINGS change. This is one reason 6 months is used as a reccomended minimum time frame for deciding to R or S/D. During that time you work on your healing and get to the best place mentally and emotionally you can, then you revisit that big life changing decision. Making those big decisions when in emotional shock after trauma is not a great idea.
As far as a spouse who is still exhibiting Wayward behavior, your choices are 1. Rugsweep and hope you can live with it. 2. Make your requirements and stick to them and the consequence for not abiding by the requirements for R is separation. 3. End the marriage now (either because this was your dealbreaker and/or because you have no desire to live the next several years of your life dealing with the consequences of his betrayal (It's a long road)
Only you can decide. If choosing to visit the idea of R he must do some hard work to earn your trust and a chance at even attempting to rebuild a life with you. If he is not willing you have your answer.
Are either of you in IC or MC? How about SAA for him?
I fully agree podcasts aren't gonna cut it for this big of an issue.

determinata posted 8/8/2014 08:33 AM

Please do not worry about what is fair or unfair to your WH unless you are abusing him. You are going through a lot of mourning and it makes sense that your feelings shift up and down, especially given his inconsistencies and deep betrayal. Please check out the Spouses of Sex Addicts thread in the 'I Can Relate' forum as it sounds like your H may be sex addicted. There are a number of resources in that thread and lots women who find themselves in the same boat. Big hugs to you and your LO's.

tl502 posted 8/8/2014 09:48 AM

The mistake that bs often make is thinking that r will begin as soon as we and the ws say it is so. I see people on this site sayimg they are in r after a few months, weeks, sometimes even days.
I understand the feeling, I was in the same boat 3 years ago. I wanted to save my m, I wanted to put it all behind me, I wanted the pain to stop.
Wanting to r and being in r are 2 very different states. My h and I were in varying states of wanting and attempting r for 2 1/2 years. There were times that I thought we were getting there, but it has been in the last couple of months that I can say that we have consistently been able to say that we are truly in r.
You need to stop worrying about him doing something stupid, he already has. It's time for him to put on his big boy pants and take responsibility for his own choices. My h has been the master of making poor choices at times in his life. I can't help him with that anymore, never really could. It's on him to be an adult and a good h to me.
He needs to show you consistent changes in behavior for you to even attempt to believe in the possibility of r. He doesn't sound like he's there yet.
R takes a remorseful ws who is willing to change his ways forever. A ws who is willing to look deep within himself and identify his issues and move heaven and earth to fix them. A ws who will do anything(legal and moral) to help their bs heal.
R also takes a bs who is willing to wait for the ws to get themselves together and fix themselves before they dive into r. A bs that is willing to lose the relationship if the ws doesn't do the work needed. You'll be back in this same boat one of these days if you jump too soon, only you may be too weak to pull the oars next time.
You can't take responsibility for a person disconnecting from their child. That's on them.
Give yourself some time. You're not going to trust him for a very very long time, maybe never. Your m has been changed forever, your definition of love will feel different forevermore. This is the legacy of infidelity. It just comes down to whether you can repair and create a new m that you can be happy with.

seethelight posted 8/8/2014 10:06 AM

He's a very good liar. He's using me. I'll never be enough for him". Are these feelings and thoughts normal or should I work up the courage to ask for a S?

Well, all those thoughts are normal. The only thing we know for sure is that a cheating spouse was able to lie easily and convincingly.

The rest is all just a big question.

You don't need to make a decision, now. The door to divorce should be left open after discovery of an affair, which always involves deception.

Waffling back and forth is normal after such a traumatizing betrayal.

Unfortunately the wayward spouse does not understand the trauma they caused by cheating

See an attorney to learn your rights. Watch your bank accounts closely and your husband's pay check to ensure it is being deposited regularly

My spouse had suddenly started depositing his check into a private account, and I did not notice.

If anything looks suspicious in the bank account or with his paycheck, alert your attorney.

He can advice you from there.

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