Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Am I trying to mold wbf?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

jost1125 posted 7/30/2014 07:07 AM

WBF and I were talking yesterday (texting actually), and he said that he feels like I am trying to mold him into exactly what I want him to be and that he wants to be accepted for who he is. That if I don't accept him for who he is, then maybe I am with the wrong person. That he doesn't want to have to try to live up to unreasonable expectations forever like when he was a kid. My parents also had unreasonable expectations of me, so I get that.

He feels this way because I keep mentioning that I would like him to work on himself to be a better person, look inside himself, go to counseling, etc.

The things that I say I'd like him to work on are things like;
being rude-he's constantly interupting me or my son, just blurting out whatever happens to pop into his head
needing to be the center of attention-if nobody is paying attention to him, he needs to do or say something that draws the attention to him
his anger-he's very quick to anger, over the slightest things,
defensiveness-not just about A related things, just anytime I have any 'complaint' about him or anything he does,
self control-he decides he wants something or wants to do something, and he goes and gets it or does it, there's no waiting for anything (like saving up for something expensive that you don't have the money for-instant gratification type things)
selfishness-it seems his first thoughts about anything are how it will effect him
always needing something to make him feel good-whether its alcohol, drugs, or the attention of OW, he has always needed *something* to make him feel good

He says he is a good person, that he's very happy with how he is now (all of these things have always been there, however, he HAS changed immensely since dday-he doesn't go out and sit at the bar all night anymore, he doesn't choose to spend all of his time with his buddies anymore, he helps out around the house, his anger has gotten way better, it seems like he even takes a little pride in the things that we have, etc). He says he's changed so much for me already and he doesn't want to change anymore. He says that everyone has things that make them feel good-he compared his need for something to make him feel good to me taking baths and reading to feel good.

I say that I'm not trying to mold him, that I'm encouraging him to grow. I feel like the whole point of life is to continue to learn and grow and to keep becoming a better version of you. I think that all of those things that I mentioned are things that you are not born with, that they are things that are not necessarily "just the way you are". I feel like those are things that are more in the "learned behavior" category, KWIM? I also say that if you always need something to make you feel good, that you are unhappy with yourself, because I feel like why else would you need alcohol, drugs, or the attention of OW to make you feel good, instead of just feeling good because you are happy with you and knowing that you are a great person. I don't think alcohol, drugs and other women compare to bubble baths and reading??? Make sense to anyone besides me?

So what do you think? Am I trying to mold him? Or are these things that are just normal growth and maturing? Does the need for some outside source to make someone feel good mean they are unhappy with themselves, or not necessarily?

Remone posted 7/30/2014 08:13 AM

Hi, WS here, and yes I know what you mean. It makes perfect sense. The attitudes and behaviors you are describing on his part are very WS'ish. I struggle with them myself. When you are a WS it is all about you and instant gratification. He needs to really take a hard look at himself and see how those characteristics feed his poor behavior. You are not asking too much, absolutely not! Is he reading? Is he working and seeing IC? It's great that he has changed so much, it really is, but there is more to do. I wish you peace.

jost1125 posted 7/30/2014 08:46 AM

No, he refuses to go to counseling-he says that not everybody needs counseling, some people can just change on their own and that is what he did.

He doesnt read anything on his own. Shortly after dday he read How To Help Your Spouse Heal because I whined enough, and he's read SI occasionally after I've had a fit and whined and cried that he doesn't. Nothing without my prodding though.

He feels he HAS taken a good look at himself, and he likes the way he is and says he's very happy with himself. I just "always find something to complain about". He's said that he wonders if I am "just one of those people who'll never be happy".

[This message edited by jost1125 at 8:49 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

Remone posted 7/30/2014 08:51 AM

Ugh I'm sorry Jost. That just isn't good enough. You deserve better. If his behavior is leading to you feeling uncomfortable then he hasn't done enough. He doesn't sound remorseful. It doesn't sound safe and I think you will be hurt again. He needs to figure out why he did it and change otherwise it's going to happen again. Believe me, I've been there. So sorry.

SlowUptake posted 7/30/2014 09:16 AM

The thing is, change has to come from within, otherwise it won't last.
If he doesn't want to change, he won't or he'll pretend until the pressure is off.
I think you need to ask yourself what you're going to do if he doesn't change.
Accept his flaws with grace, or end the relationship.

I say that I'm not trying to mold him, that I'm encouraging him to grow.
With all due respect, it can be a pretty fine line between the two.

I feel like the whole point of life is to continue to learn and grow and to keep becoming a better version of you.
That is a great philosophy to have.
Is it absolutely essential that your WBF share that philosophy? Not everybody does unfortunately.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:24 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/30/2014 12:41 PM

I don't think you're trying to mold him. I think you're trying to convince him to improve himself, work on himself, engage in self-reflection, grow into a more mature person -- and he simply doesn't want to.

I tell you, though, you will drive yourself CRAZY trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do.

You simply cannot force someone to improve upon themselves or grow or reflect or change.

Sounds like you are on different pages in life. Plus he's a cheater. Id stop focusing so much on him, and try evaluating yourself and why you continue to stay in a relationship with him.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy