He feels this way because I keep mentioning that I would like him to work on himself to be a better person, look inside himself, go to counseling, etc.
The things that I say I'd like him to work on are things like;
being rude-he's constantly interupting me or my son, just blurting out whatever happens to pop into his head
needing to be the center of attention-if nobody is paying attention to him, he needs to do or say something that draws the attention to him
his anger-he's very quick to anger, over the slightest things,
defensiveness-not just about A related things, just anytime I have any 'complaint' about him or anything he does,
self control-he decides he wants something or wants to do something, and he goes and gets it or does it, there's no waiting for anything (like saving up for something expensive that you don't have the money for-instant gratification type things)
selfishness-it seems his first thoughts about anything are how it will effect him
always needing something to make him feel good-whether its alcohol, drugs, or the attention of OW, he has always needed *something* to make him feel good
He says he is a good person, that he's very happy with how he is now (all of these things have always been there, however, he HAS changed immensely since dday-he doesn't go out and sit at the bar all night anymore, he doesn't choose to spend all of his time with his buddies anymore, he helps out around the house, his anger has gotten way better, it seems like he even takes a little pride in the things that we have, etc). He says he's changed so much for me already and he doesn't want to change anymore. He says that everyone has things that make them feel good-he compared his need for something to make him feel good to me taking baths and reading to feel good.
I say that I'm not trying to mold him, that I'm encouraging him to grow. I feel like the whole point of life is to continue to learn and grow and to keep becoming a better version of you. I think that all of those things that I mentioned are things that you are not born with, that they are things that are not necessarily "just the way you are". I feel like those are things that are more in the "learned behavior" category, KWIM? I also say that if you always need something to make you feel good, that you are unhappy with yourself, because I feel like why else would you need alcohol, drugs, or the attention of OW to make you feel good, instead of just feeling good because you are happy with you and knowing that you are a great person. I don't think alcohol, drugs and other women compare to bubble baths and reading??? Make sense to anyone besides me?
So what do you think? Am I trying to mold him? Or are these things that are just normal growth and maturing? Does the need for some outside source to make someone feel good mean they are unhappy with themselves, or not necessarily?
He doesnt read anything on his own. Shortly after dday he read How To Help Your Spouse Heal because I whined enough, and he's read SI occasionally after I've had a fit and whined and cried that he doesn't. Nothing without my prodding though.
He feels he HAS taken a good look at himself, and he likes the way he is and says he's very happy with himself. I just "always find something to complain about". He's said that he wonders if I am "just one of those people who'll never be happy".
[This message edited by jost1125 at 8:49 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
I say that I'm not trying to mold him, that I'm encouraging him to grow.
I feel like the whole point of life is to continue to learn and grow and to keep becoming a better version of you.
[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:24 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I tell you, though, you will drive yourself CRAZY trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do.
You simply cannot force someone to improve upon themselves or grow or reflect or change.
Sounds like you are on different pages in life. Plus he's a cheater. Id stop focusing so much on him, and try evaluating yourself and why you continue to stay in a relationship with him.