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Feels like Another World

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Chefj9 posted 7/30/2014 09:30 AM

14 months since final Dday. He's been slow in IC but continues to go twice a month, we did MC for a year. I'm in IC, and love my counselor.

My issue now is that it feels like he's just replaced OW with his work. He's working 12-14 hours a day. Works every second he's home, and worked through our vacation. He has drama with his job weekly,some he creates, some he has no control over. But it never ends. We spend no quality time together, date night has completely stopped and I am increasingly becoming less engaged as time marches on. I feel like we live together, but we don't share our lives together. He has his world of work, fantasy sports and Syfy and I'm running the house taking care of kids and I am BORED out of my mind when I have down time. I've just lost passion for things I used to love. It's slowly coming back, but I'm not even close to 100%.

Intimacy has dwindled to once a week. He talks about nothing to me but work and it's clear that I'm not interested. He doesn't remember anything I tell him about dates, plans, the kids or household issues. He does 1 thing around the house (cleans the cat box) and that's it. I have a 4k sqft house and I'm overwhelmed. If I ask him to do something, he pawns it off on the kids.

I'm not going any where, I don't want to leave, but I do to want this kind if relationship either. I don't think he's doing anything significant in IC, I'm not sure what he talks about because he shares minimally.

Is anyone else hit this point? How did you get out of this rut? I'm So shut down right now I don't talk to him about any of this. When I do he just goes into "self loathing mode" and i end up reassuring him. I know this is manipulation and I have confronted him about it, but the pattern doesn't change.

I am finally coming out the depression I've been in for months, but now I just feel flat.

million tears posted 7/30/2014 10:00 AM

I know you don't feel up to it right now but it needs to be addressed. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Once you drift too far apart there will be no saving the marriage IMO. That is if you want to save it at this point. There has to be a reason he is doing this. Did he work like this before the A? Has his job gotten harder? Does he have more responsibility that before? Or is he working so he doesn't have to address other problems?

Chefj9 posted 7/30/2014 10:20 AM

I do want to save my marriage. Leaving is not an option for me right now, and it's not something I want.

He does have a hard job and the role he's currently in is new to him. His role is also critical to the success of this client and project. He's a consultant for one of the largest consulting firms in the world, his client is a major soda/snack producer and they are implementing a new logistics system world wide. He's responsible for the financials for a portion of all this. They aren't shipping hearts and lung to save people, but it's a major deal, lots of pressure and long hours.

You're right I do need to talk to him about it. We/He needs to figure out a balance in all of this. As unfair as this may sound, I feel like although his job is stressful.... he did this to me, he destroyed my world, my life and hit me at the core of who I thought I was. I've slowly crawled out of the abyss I've been in for months, clawing one inch at a time. I'm resentful, because although this project is a difficult one for him, so was the last one that he was on. The difference now is that he doesn't have to travel weekly. He managed then to make time for OW, pushed me away and treated me like shyt. Now I'm willing to give him another chance and I feel totally taken for granted in the sense that he knows I'm not going any where. So he doesn't have to "keep me on the hook" like he did OW. He put a ton of effort into keeping her happy, making time for her and basically "wooing" her for almost a year and a half.

His actions now make me feel unworthy, unwanted, taken for granted and an afterthought. I'm not worth the same level of effort and attention he gave to her. I'm tired of having the same conversation over and over. Guess that's why I'm just not talking.

Chefj9 posted 7/30/2014 10:29 AM

and to add fuel to this fire, my father is a WS... he has acted out my parents entire marriage and my mother has tolerated it and rugswept it all. We went to dinner with my parents last weekend and several comments were made about a fight my parents had about something my mother found in his wallet.

The entire conversation triggered me right in the middle of my daughters bday dinner. My father triggers me every time I see him texting and scrolling through his phone. My husband idolizes my father. They are 2 peas in a pod in a lot of ways.

My father has been to inpatient treatment for Alcohol and Sex addiction twice and still acts out. My mother actually said to me at one point a few years ago that "if we kids knew what she put up with and sacrificed for us, we would never believe it" That statement broke my heart, my mother has been unhappy for most of this marriage and I don't think her emotional needs have been met. I look at them and I don't want to be that couple. I don't want to be in my late 60's miserable and still dealing with my H's indiscretions. I don't want to be in my late 60's snooping through wallets and wondering still if he's up to his old patterns.

After typing this out, I'm like WOW, now I know whats been eating at me. My parents are a trigger. I don't want to be my mother in this regard and my SAWH is just like my father. So it terrifies me and at the same time makes me not want to try. Whats the point

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