I've been sitting here reading my posts since I found this site in June. At that time, I was 14 months from my DD and still being TT, RS, lied to by my semi-remorseful WH. My H had a 2 year A with a family friend. It ONLY stopped b/c he got caught, by my DD. Even after being confronted by her, he still saw the OW the next 3 days/nights (one being our 21st Anniversary) until my DD gave him an ultimatum. After his confession full of lies to me, he still had phone contact with OW for 4 more days until for whatever reason he cut it off. A month later, OW found out I was out of town and she went to his office to confront him. They ended up having sexual contact that day, and started an EA for a month before he again cut it off, for good this time. A NC was never done; I didn't find this site until much later, didn't even know what a NC was, or that it should be done. She and I had been "poison penning" each other pretty much from DD until Feb. 2014 when she turned on him, and started telling me everything. I probably know more about his A now than he can remember, and he does have total amnesia about those 2 years anyway.
Through this whole time, I wanted nothing but R, for many many reasons, emotionally, financially, w/e, I felt I did not want to, nor could I leave this marriage. The things that I will lose by doing so are indescribable, and I do love him, God knows why anymore, but I do.
Those of you who know my story know that last week my rage overcame me, and I beat on him. I have sunk that low. In the past 15 months I have seen my weight drop to 96 pounds, I still cry every day, I have pretty much trashed my 35 year business, driven my DD crazy, lost the respect of my friends and family, am clinically depressed beyond description, all I want to do is sleep yet I can't remember the last time I really did. When I do sleep, I still have nightmares about the two of them together.
I am having an affair with the affair.
I cannot take this any more. I love him, but I'm starting to hate him too, really hate him. Why can't he just tell me the truth? Why won't he allow me to move forward? He thinks just because he's done with her ("she's been in his rearview mirror for over a year now"), that he apologized, that he wants our marriage to work, that I should just be able to "get over this". "Why am I still living in the past, not looking forward to the beautiful future we can have if I just move on?" He truly doesn't understand how much I still hurt, how much his TT is slowly killing me, how many triggers I have, I'm assaulted daily by the triggers. I can't get over this.
I don't know if I ever will.
He refuses to go back to MC, says it's a waste of time and money. The first time we went happened to be during his "reconnection EA" with OW, so he was lying to both me and the counselor about contact w/OW, as well as discussing our sessions with her, getting advice from her on what to say. So of course it didn't work that time.
I can't stay, and I can't go. I don't even have a place to go if I wanted to.
Is this yet another stage of the grieving process? Or am I waking up? I KNOW he will never do this again, I KNOW there is a good man still under the lies somewhere. I feel like I'm making a huge mistake if I toss him. Yet I cannot go on this way any more. I am frightened for my health, my sanity.
How do I make him understand what this/he is doing to me? How do I make him understand he NEEDS to talk to me or I'm just not going to get over this? The 180 is NOT for me/us. I am not emotionally capable of doing it, sticking to it, I'm too impulsive to have that type of self control. And he only sees that type of behavior as indifference on my part, proof that I no longer love him and the marriage can't be saved.
I still believe it can be, but not w/o the truth. I need answers, I need details, I need to talk things out to get over them.
I have never been so confused in my life. Or so sad. He swears I know everything, there is nothing more to talk about. I know in my gut that is not true. And any answers I do have all came from OW, he has given me nothing except confirmations and apologies for the things I can prove, and denials of the things I can't.
How do I make him talk to me? Is there anything besides the 180 that has worked for someone out there? There has to be something I can do besides throw 25 years of my life away. . .