SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Delilah169 posted 7/30/2014 11:48 AM

I've been sitting here reading my posts since I found this site in June. At that time, I was 14 months from my DD and still being TT, RS, lied to by my semi-remorseful WH. My H had a 2 year A with a family friend. It ONLY stopped b/c he got caught, by my DD. Even after being confronted by her, he still saw the OW the next 3 days/nights (one being our 21st Anniversary) until my DD gave him an ultimatum. After his confession full of lies to me, he still had phone contact with OW for 4 more days until for whatever reason he cut it off. A month later, OW found out I was out of town and she went to his office to confront him. They ended up having sexual contact that day, and started an EA for a month before he again cut it off, for good this time. A NC was never done; I didn't find this site until much later, didn't even know what a NC was, or that it should be done. She and I had been "poison penning" each other pretty much from DD until Feb. 2014 when she turned on him, and started telling me everything. I probably know more about his A now than he can remember, and he does have total amnesia about those 2 years anyway.

Through this whole time, I wanted nothing but R, for many many reasons, emotionally, financially, w/e, I felt I did not want to, nor could I leave this marriage. The things that I will lose by doing so are indescribable, and I do love him, God knows why anymore, but I do.

Those of you who know my story know that last week my rage overcame me, and I beat on him. I have sunk that low. In the past 15 months I have seen my weight drop to 96 pounds, I still cry every day, I have pretty much trashed my 35 year business, driven my DD crazy, lost the respect of my friends and family, am clinically depressed beyond description, all I want to do is sleep yet I can't remember the last time I really did. When I do sleep, I still have nightmares about the two of them together.

I am having an affair with the affair.

I cannot take this any more. I love him, but I'm starting to hate him too, really hate him. Why can't he just tell me the truth? Why won't he allow me to move forward? He thinks just because he's done with her ("she's been in his rearview mirror for over a year now"), that he apologized, that he wants our marriage to work, that I should just be able to "get over this". "Why am I still living in the past, not looking forward to the beautiful future we can have if I just move on?" He truly doesn't understand how much I still hurt, how much his TT is slowly killing me, how many triggers I have, I'm assaulted daily by the triggers. I can't get over this.

I don't know if I ever will.

He refuses to go back to MC, says it's a waste of time and money. The first time we went happened to be during his "reconnection EA" with OW, so he was lying to both me and the counselor about contact w/OW, as well as discussing our sessions with her, getting advice from her on what to say. So of course it didn't work that time.

I can't stay, and I can't go. I don't even have a place to go if I wanted to.

Is this yet another stage of the grieving process? Or am I waking up? I KNOW he will never do this again, I KNOW there is a good man still under the lies somewhere. I feel like I'm making a huge mistake if I toss him. Yet I cannot go on this way any more. I am frightened for my health, my sanity.

How do I make him understand what this/he is doing to me? How do I make him understand he NEEDS to talk to me or I'm just not going to get over this? The 180 is NOT for me/us. I am not emotionally capable of doing it, sticking to it, I'm too impulsive to have that type of self control. And he only sees that type of behavior as indifference on my part, proof that I no longer love him and the marriage can't be saved.

I still believe it can be, but not w/o the truth. I need answers, I need details, I need to talk things out to get over them.

I have never been so confused in my life. Or so sad. He swears I know everything, there is nothing more to talk about. I know in my gut that is not true. And any answers I do have all came from OW, he has given me nothing except confirmations and apologies for the things I can prove, and denials of the things I can't.

How do I make him talk to me? Is there anything besides the 180 that has worked for someone out there? There has to be something I can do besides throw 25 years of my life away. . .

1Faith posted 7/30/2014 12:00 PM

Delilah

You are grieving the loss of your marriage. The one you thought you had. That takes time.

I can feel your pain. I am so sorry.

I know how hurt you are and how crazed you feel. I know first hand. I experienced it too.

Your feelings are completely normal. To love him and to hate him. He has injured you.

There has to be something I can do besides throw 25 years of my life away. . .

Start on IC for you. You need to talk through your emotions. You can't control him but you can start to find your footing and regain your balance for you.

And gently, you didn't throw anything away. Your WH did when he chose to cheat and lie. You can't fix him. Only he can and he has to want to.

He refuses to go back to MC, says it's a waste of time and money

That is sad. If he truly wants to make R work he would do anything you need to feel safe. ANYTHING.

On average it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair. There are so many emotions attached to healing. Most of them painful. This is pain that his actions created. I hope he would be willing to stand by you and help pick up the mess he created. Hug you, love you, reassure you.

I saw this posted here once as it relates to "getting over" it...

Tell you WH to pick up a plate

Tell him to smash it on the floor

Tell him to say he's sorry to the plate

Ask him if the plate is the same as it was before?

Take one day at a time. You can't make him talk to you but you can define your future going forward. What are you willing to accept?

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:35 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

LookingforLove posted 7/30/2014 12:42 PM

Delilah--
I feel your pain. My X had a 6+ yr LTA and I did everything wrong in the beginning. Like you I did not want to throw away 23 years of marriage and felt I had no place to go. My X also lied to MC, gaslighted, TT, you name it, he did it.

Unfortunately sometimes in an affair that has gone on for over a year they sometimes do not remember exact details. You need to ask yourself are the details really important or is the reason he did this important? I think in order to move forward you need to know why it happened so that you can both prevent it from happening again. What do you need from him to build the trust? Details will not help that but finding out what is broken in him and him doing the work to fix it is. You also need to demand transparency in everything he does. That is a consequence of his actions that he is going to have to go along with to repair the marriage. You need to let him know what you will and won't accept and stand by it.
Even if it means leaving/separating. He has to feel your pain and sometimes doing what you don't want to do is the only way to make them realize it.
Unfortunately, consequences are sometimes all they understand.
HUGS

Hopefuldad468 posted 7/30/2014 14:49 PM

So sorry for your pain...we truly understand.

I wish I had found this site sooner - but lucky for me I did some of the 180 by instinct (but am still making mistakes or modifications to suit my situation). I never yelled,or cried, and I never showed weakness in front of her. Probably initially shock - but later it worked OK.

Just like lookingforlove - my WW spent years with the A before I caught her. Once caught, NOTHING was true for weeks.

Ultimately, she left me with no other options than to get an attorney and confront her by asking for a D. I also had to be ready to do it as she had told me that she would never stop talking to her "friend". This serious announcement was like a BOMB went off for her, the truth came out.

I still do not know "everything" but I have the items I need for understanding what went on. Unfortunately for me, I asked a few questions that really were not relevant and these details still haunt me today when I picture them. Some things I just really do not want to fully know (it is like watching the movie over and over).

It was risky for me to do this if I wanted to R - and I do not recommend it for everyone. However, for me it was the only way to shock her out of the FOG. It seems to have worked (so far).

We will see.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 7:31 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]

BrokenDoe posted 7/31/2014 18:30 PM

Delilah

Hugs Sorry things are so shitty for you right now.

If it helps our MC told us that if my WS was ok with me slapping him if I asked first then It would be ok as two consenting adults. *sits and waits for 20 people to make comments*

Hang in there. I don't have advice as I have no clue. But sending hugs

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/31/2014 19:08 PM

Delilah,
I wish there was really something to say to make this go away. I'd repeat it to myself as well. I don't know how to fix messes I would never have gotten myself into. I never pictured myself in any of this. Sometimes I think the whole world has lost it. I can't tell you how sad your (collective our) pain makes me. If you get some wonderful advice on how to ditch the mind movies and heartache, please message me. I could use it too! (((Hugs)))

I can't type on an iPhone!

[This message edited by BlueBlueEyes at 7:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]