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gotcha posted 7/30/2014 12:50 PM

Hello everyone.

I don't even know where to start.
I've been married for one year (anniversary in a couple weeks actually), been together for 6-7.
Dday was 4 days ago. 8 month old son. I am 27, he 26.

I recently found out about my husband's infidelity after catching him through bank statements and pinging his phone. After he realized that he was busted, he could no longer deny anything and fessed up to cheating with a stripper. He had gone out to the strip club (after me asking him to stay home and not go out) and found the woman there. I asked him if it had ever happened before and he said yes and explained once more a couple months ago.

My husband has a past of cheating on me and being caught in inappropriate situations with females, but never with a stripper. I'm positive he hasn't told me every time he's cheated (prior to marriage). So I struggle with even wanting to know or just moving on from it in general and trying to move forward. Even if he did tell me more, would I believe that it's the WHOLE story?

I married him knowing that him cheating was a possibility (as with every marriage is my opinion), so I partly feel like this is marriage and I made a commitment and promise for good times and bad. I do not want to divorce my husband, but I want to somehow come to a place where I can trust him again.

So far he's apologized profusely, seems genuinely sorry, will do anything to show me that he is truly sorry, and says over and over that he doesn't want to lose me or my son (of course he doesn't, he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too). I'm just not completely convinced.

The truth is, he is an extremely smart, manipulative and self-serving individual. So he is telling me these things, and part of me believes he truly means them, but then the other half does not believe him.

I truly don't know how to tackle this problem. I feel like slowly we are going to morph into our old routine and it'll be business as usual and that's my biggest concern.

I want him to prove to me that he can be trustworthy again and make decisions not just for himself, but for our marriage and family. I don't know what he can do to prove it right now. I just feel like his efforts are to pacify me until I get over it and then he can start having no respect for me again and doing whatever he wants.

outtanowhere posted 7/30/2014 13:05 PM

Hi Gotcha. Sorry to meet you under these circumstance but, glad you found your way here.

This is a tough one. Did he pay these strippers? It's hard to imagine but, paying for sex is a different flavor of infidelity.

BtraydWife posted 7/30/2014 13:09 PM

I'm sorry you have to be here but glad you found us.

He is a serial cheater and unlikely to stop because you approve of it by staying with him. Why should he stop? There hasn't been any consequences for his cheating. Dealing with you being upset and angry hasn't been consequence enough to make him rethink his priorities.

Certainly any marriage could have someone cheat but you married him KNOWING he would cheat. Not that he might but that he would.

He can't prove he will be trustworthy again because he never has been trustworthy.

What do you want? Toss having him as a faithful husband from your list, then whats next? You can't make him be something he's not.

You are still very young. You are going to get a ton of responses saying to cut your losses and run.

My biggest concern is you wanting him to be different than you've ever known him to be. You're looking for blood from a stone. You will almost certainly get more of the same from him in the future.

Don't be confused about the times he wasn't actively cheating. Those weren't him committing to you. That's just junk they tell you to get you off their back for a while. He keeps going back after the storm dies down enough.

It's not about what you want with him. It's about what he wants, it's always been that way. If he can't be what you need, what's next for you?

I'm sorry if any of that was difficult to read. I'm allergic to sugar coating. People here can help you. You don't have to make any decisions right now.

Read many threads on different forums. Read the Healing Library in the upper left. Get enough food, drink, and sleep for yourself and your son.

I recommend doing the 180. Stop doing the wife stuff you do for him. No more meals or laundry. The 180 is hard because it seems to go against what we want most.

Stay strong.

gotcha posted 7/30/2014 13:19 PM

Thank you for your responses.

Don't apologize for being upfront with me, I do need it and I appreciate all of the words.

So far (at the advice of my best friend) I've been unknowingly trying to do the 180. I've asked him not to expect or ask anything of me that he wouldn't for a roommate.

He doesn't respect me as a wife, so he doesn't get a wife.

So far he's failed at respecting those boundaries, constantly trying to weasel his way back into our comfortable routine one way or another. And when I tell him that he's obviously not respecting my wishes, he says he will never stop trying to show me love and affection (... right?).

He admits to me that he has many severe problems that I don't know about aside from the anxiety and depression that I know of(molested as a child, terrible family structure etc), and I can tell. But you're right, I can't change who he is. I know deep down he wants a successful marriage with me and for his son the most important, but I feel like in the end he has all these demons that he will never get rid of.

gotcha posted 7/30/2014 13:22 PM

Yes he paid the stripper. It's how I found out.

The other time he admitted to, I was in a different state (we were in the process of moving 6 states away) and he had moved up before me to start his new job. A large sum of money had disappeared from the banking account. I brought it up but he had explained that it was his spending money for the week.

Having so much on my plate, I just dropped it, then completely forgot about it until this week.

BtraydWife posted 7/30/2014 13:43 PM

He could get better but that's all on him. What you want doesn't change that and you can't do this for him. He has to have the drive to get help and dig down deep to work through all his issues. That's a pretty tall order from what you mentioned. He could do it but only if he wants it enough to do the hard work.

Now he has a pattern. Upset-cheat on wife. Facing his issues is going to be very upsetting so what's he going to do then? Can he commit to those things, can he persevere when it gets hard? Who knows, but he can't even respect your wishes to back off and he's being manipulative when he claims true love is behind his refusal to respect your wishes.

gotcha posted 7/30/2014 14:21 PM

He is looking into therapists currently... so I see him making some effort. He has also mentioned he thinks he is a sex addict. Part of me wonders if throwing that out there is a form of manipulation or if it's him being genuine. He's never said that before now.

I guess only time will tell if therapy works or not.

He has gone to a therapist before while we were dating, but the therapist moved out of state and he did not get a new one. I worry that a therapist helps him become more self aware, but in the end it won't help him use that awareness to stop his self destructive ways.

BtraydWife posted 7/30/2014 14:28 PM

Sex addict is a whole other world. There are several members who have been through this but I'm not one of them. Hopefully someone will post because there is special therapists and other stuff you should know for sex addicts.

I think if he was willing to put that out there he should get evaluated by a professional that works with sex addicts.

Strike while it's hot.

OutoftheDeep posted 7/30/2014 14:34 PM

((gotcha)) read my signature, I have a WH who I caught in a disgusting strip club.Later,his bank statements came and showed he had used his ATM (seems idiotic) and had spent at least $200 in about 3-4 hours. I threw his shit in trash bags and kicked him out. We had discussed this before even getting married, I have a first hand knowledge of those sleeze pits and KNOW what kind of stuff goes on at a lot of them: drugs, prostitution, you name it. Mine claims he "didn't do anything" and I did walk in on him and he was still there sitting out in the open (the whores had all ran off from him by the time I spotted him, he had spotted me first).


These places are rife with prostitution and drug use including shooting up.

And you're right, you don't know if it's the whole story. Strippers are people too (*cough *cough ) and it is possible he had a "relationship" with her, in other words, more than a couple of paid ONS. Who knows. What you do know is bad enough and honestly you should run as fast as you can if he feels it's not only okay to go to a strip club but actually sleep with one???? Liars lie, if he admitted to 2 times, there's probably more. And honestly if he'd cheat with a nasty stripper/prostitute he may have cheated other times.

I'm so sorry you're here.

gotcha posted 7/30/2014 14:38 PM

Yes, he's alluded to that and to "being super messed up beyond anything I can imagine" to paraphrase.

I'm scared to know. What's more messed up than having sex with multiple strippers in your first year of marriage? Do I put his feet to the fire and make an issue for him to elaborate? I think I should know the person I'm married to, but that's in a perfect world. Maybe ignorance is bliss? Am I stupid to think that? But now I can't stop thinking about it.

gotcha posted 7/30/2014 14:41 PM

I'm also now realizing people here consider the whole web cam girls as cheating (from reading the Prostitutes/Anonymous Encounters thread).

I had been trying to get him to stop that, too. His excuse was that it was just porn. I don't go on those sites so I don't know exactly how they work.

I finally blocked the sites from working on all his devices.

OutoftheDeep posted 7/30/2014 14:47 PM

I think I should know the person I'm married to, but that's in a perfect world. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

No, ignorance is not bliss. In your case, ignorance is going to literally get you killed - aids, hepatitis, there's a long list of grim reapers he's inviting into your life.

I missed the part where he had sex with multiple strippers and others in your first year of marriage. This is not a good sign. If you were my sister or daughter I'd tell you to RUN from him as fast as you can.

outtanowhere posted 7/30/2014 14:51 PM

I'm so sorry that you are having to go thru this! It is a nightmare I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. In going to bump the thread regarding prostitutes and anonymous encounters. Please read it very carefully. If he is SA (there are a lot of red flags) I'm afraid you are in for a whole lot more.

SA's are notorious for their manipulative behavior. He will throw some really huge love bombs that will distract and confuse you even more. Do yourself a favor now and google sex addiction. Educate yourself because this gets very complicated and you need to have the facts before you agree to go forward with him.

Take care of yourself. Please keep posting. There are amazing voices of experience here and will guide you thru. Take advantage of their wisdom. Some days it's the only thing that kept me sane.

gotcha posted 7/30/2014 14:52 PM

You're right.

When I confront him on the topic of him not telling me everything, he says "DO U WANT ME TO MAKE THINGS UP FOR YOU TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?" Typical.

I have an 8 month old I'm trying to be strong for.
My mother cheated on my father when I was 17 and broke up our family and I still struggle with it and hate her for it. I guess that's the reason why I put up with more from him than I should.

gotcha posted 7/30/2014 14:57 PM


I just finished going through the whole thread and there's some valuable information I'm glad to have come across. The first time I hopped on this forum to read, I did not see it. So I'm glad someone bumped it.

The more I read about SA's, the more I believe he is one. He is incredibly manipulative, which is why I find it hard to get into a heated discussion or conversation with him. Very quick on his feet, very good at turning things around on me. And while I can notice what he's doing while he's doing it, I find it hard to adequately verbalize to him how he's manipulating the conversation and he wins in the end.

Our one year anniversary is in 12 days and he was actually surprised yesterday that I said we would not be celebrating it. I will definitely google sex addiction and read up on it.

outtanowhere posted 7/30/2014 15:18 PM

I know exactly what you mean. It's like the are all cut from the same cloth as they have strikingly similar characteristics. My H used to do the same thing in turning the tables on me in an argument. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt as I was sure it was my misunderstanding. I look back now at some of those conversations and I get angry with myself for not seeing how incredibly ludicrous some of his comments were. Even so, I let it go and didn't confront him. I always believe that one day he would actually grow up but, at 60, I think all hope is really lost on that idea.

It should be a non-negotiable for you that HE get in to see a certified sex addiction counselor for an evaluation. HE needs to find a SA group and start attending meetings ASAP! This is jot on you. You tell him what you need and sit back and watch. He will either step up to the challenge or he won't. Either way, the decision is made for you.

Hold fast! Don't give in! That's what we have always done but, it's not what is needed this time. He broke it, he needs to get his ass busy trying to fix it for you to even consider R. I completely understand if you don't want to. I have given it a year and a half but, it has just been too hard even tho he is giving it all he's got. The betrayal was just too deep for me to work thru.

Hugs to you gotcha!

somer222 posted 7/30/2014 18:48 PM

What's more messed up than having sex with multiple strippers in your first year of marriage?

Though this is really bad, it can get much worse than this, sweetie. My ex was cheating with strippers/prostitutes (same thing IMO) and the way I found out he was cheating was one of the strippers called me to rat him out. Turns out she was blackmailing him. She was very nasty.

He spent over $40,000 in just a few months on her. I have no idea of what he spent on his addiction through throughout the course of our marriage.

My ex is a sex addict. I think you need to read up on this. It is an entirely different flavor of infidelity. There is a forum for partners of sex addicts under "I can relate" and there is also a string of threads in this forum that might be helpful to you.

I think it would be very wise to get yourself tested for STD's and don't have sex with him until you know he is clean and he has straightened out his problem.

Big hugs,

somer222 posted 7/30/2014 18:49 PM

Here is a link to something that might help you:

somer222 posted 7/30/2014 19:11 PM


You are going through a horrible ordeal and I am really sorry that this has happened. I was just reading your other posts and read some of the comments he has made to you.

My ex is a SA, and several things you wrote really caught my attention. The first is he told you he thinks he is a sex addict. He also told you he is super messed up beyond what you can imagine. It sounds to me that he has some insight into the kind of problems he has.

I would strongly suggest finding a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and making an appointment to have him evaluated. They are the only professional who can diagnose and treat sex addiction. I'm not saying your WS is a SA, but several things suggest this is a possibility and I do think he needs to be evaluated.

Make sure to take care of yourself and make sure you get the support you need. This is a very good place to be as you will find a lot of support and some very good advice.


gotcha posted 7/30/2014 20:23 PM

Hey somer,

Thanks so much for your insight. As I'm going through this web site, I'm slowing finding more topics and threads that are giving me more info.
It's a little overwhelming once I realize the depths of trouble in this situation.

Either way, I did go over the thread that you posted. Thank you.

I did some research on CSATs in our area today and found one that I think he will be open to. When he gets home from work I will discuss it with him.

We have also discussed both getting tested and we will be doing that very soon. My friend in med school suggested I wait two weeks before going get tested.

I am concerned about his past of being molested as a child and how that comes into play. It was something he casually dropped in my lap about a month ago and once seeing my stunned face, acted like "I thought I told you that a long time ago! It's fine, I've moved on from it." But has he? I'm just coming across a few related threads regarding that in the I can relate section. Information overload.

Now I'm contemplating how to tell him I'm leaving and this is what he has to do or I'm going to Louisiana. Should I call him? Write him an e-mail? Write him a letter? Show up at his work? (Nah, too risky)

I'll probably call him.

[This message edited by gotcha at 12:15 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]

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