This is more of a venting episode than anything else, but I'd take any advice that would help. .
It has been over four years since my wife told me about her six month A. I expected to be way further along by now. It still hurts me every day (no kidding). I know that it wasn't all about me. I know that it was her weakness and that asshole's lies, but I cannot shake the feeling that I am less than a man because of the affair.
Life isn't the same. Things seem fake between us. Sex isn't special to me anymore and doesn't feel intimate. I have put in most of the work and she seems to be none the worse for wear while I am a shadow of who I once was.
My kids have benefitted from my sacrifices and I am proud of that, but a selfish part of me just wants to be free of the constant doubt in myself that comes from being with her. At work or at play, I am finding some normalcy, but our new normal at home is sucking me dry.
I want to feel love. I want to be in love with someone who values me. I want my efforts to be noticed.
The only thing that has changed since the affair is that I do even more to try and make things work. I do more nice things. I take her more places. I help more at home. I cook and clean more. She has changed nothing. She couldn't care less about the things I need.
Why do I stay? Some misplaced idea of loyalty and commitment I suppose. I am trying to fix something that is ruined. Two could fix it but I am out of energy trying it alone.