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4 years gone. Still hurting.

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justme39 posted 7/30/2014 14:43 PM

This is more of a venting episode than anything else, but I'd take any advice that would help. .

It has been over four years since my wife told me about her six month A. I expected to be way further along by now. It still hurts me every day (no kidding). I know that it wasn't all about me. I know that it was her weakness and that asshole's lies, but I cannot shake the feeling that I am less than a man because of the affair.

Life isn't the same. Things seem fake between us. Sex isn't special to me anymore and doesn't feel intimate. I have put in most of the work and she seems to be none the worse for wear while I am a shadow of who I once was.

My kids have benefitted from my sacrifices and I am proud of that, but a selfish part of me just wants to be free of the constant doubt in myself that comes from being with her. At work or at play, I am finding some normalcy, but our new normal at home is sucking me dry.

I want to feel love. I want to be in love with someone who values me. I want my efforts to be noticed.

The only thing that has changed since the affair is that I do even more to try and make things work. I do more nice things. I take her more places. I help more at home. I cook and clean more. She has changed nothing. She couldn't care less about the things I need.

Why do I stay? Some misplaced idea of loyalty and commitment I suppose. I am trying to fix something that is ruined. Two could fix it but I am out of energy trying it alone.

[This message edited by justme39 at 2:47 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

Embers2Fire posted 7/30/2014 15:56 PM

I am so sorry to hear how much pain you are still in after 4 yrs, that's a long time to be hurting. Some people can reconcile and build a stronger marriage than before. For others something inside us seems to break and we just can not make it work. I know your staying for your children and I completely understand that I really do. But your hurting yourself by staying and when you are hurting this much you can not be the best possible dad to them. Sounds like your the only one in reconciliation but we both know it takes 2 people. I am wishing you the very best on your road to healing and recovery from this devastating trauma.

Crushed1 posted 7/30/2014 16:06 PM

(((justme39))) Always know that YOU are a "real man", you honored your vows and commitment to your family! The om is nothing but a shadow to you!

I do even more to try and make things work. I do more nice things. I take her more places. I help more at home. I cook and clean more. She has changed nothing. She couldn't care less about the things I need.

Maybe you're giving too much! And she's taking and has never worked on herself. Have you ever told your W how you feel about things? Is she open to communication?

Razor posted 7/30/2014 16:15 PM

18 years down from Dday here. and some years ago I could have written (and probably did) a post just like yours.

Like you I stayed in the M with a WW that considers *not doing that again* to be her end of the work of reconciliation.

Some years ago I started a new sort of hobby. basically it changed some of my lifestyle and gave me different things to do and think about. (you can PM me for details)

Basically I branched out. I discovered that I was leaning on my WW as part of my identity. I was letting my M and by extension my WW define who I was and how I thought of myself. Doing something like this will lead to feeling as you do now.

Now I stand on my own feet. and am my own person. who I am defines me. not my M. not my WW. not my kids.

I used to think of M like 2 trees leaning against each other in the forest. Stronger together to hold up against the storms of life. But when 2 trees lean like that it means that both are weak. Its better and healthier for both trees to be strong in themselves and not count on the other one to hold it up. and I think its the same for people.

Try stepping out of the shadow of your M and your role as a parent. and do something for YOU. Find something you do for you that makes you proud and happy. Once you do that I think you will start to feel better about everything.

notquiteoverit posted 7/30/2014 16:17 PM

I'm sorry that you are still hurting. I'm 4 years out as well, and it still hurts. But, we are doing well because my WS has bent over backwards to do all the right things. Your wife needs to be doing this, too. You are making the effort and she is ignoring your needs. Stop doing nice things for her and make it clear to her what you need her to do for you. It is her job to help you heal. Were there any consequences for her affair? Right now, she sounds very unremorseful. Are you in counseling? It might be good to meet with a competent therapist, either as a couple or you alone. You deserve to be happy.

selkiescot posted 7/30/2014 17:11 PM


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