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T/J BW Died. Difficult feelings, as I was that kid

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GotPlayed posted 7/30/2014 15:16 PM

From the BW Died thread, that mentions the poor DD going to pick up the frame... I know the DD's feeling, more or less. My mother died when I was 13 (I have two older brothers, the oldest was 16 or 17 at the time). Mom's death happened about 2 years after S due to an OW and OC.

She died of an infection, but her life had been hell and she behaved exemplary as I remember it, and the immune compromise was established because of the A sorrow. Essentially died of a broken heart, everybody said.

Today my dad lives with me. I am helping him out because he has no retirement after a lifetime of poor money choices and bad lifestyle during a critical time in his life. He's living in my couch. He moved here to start over and we'll be bringing his family over as soon as he's established (or he'll go back if he can't get established in a reasonable timeframe). With this family (I love them all, even though I never really was very close to my stepmom, who's not the OW, and get along great with my little brothers and sisters) he has stayed for over 20 years so far. He told me about a week ago he still dreams about my mom.

He's helping out with my kids and such as much as he can, and he's responsible now. But needless to say the feelings are confusing, and something I've been meaning to cover with my IC. It probably greatly affects how I relate to women and also to other fellow men.

Last night I was flipping through pictures with DD8 and my mom's wedding picture came up. I talked to DD8 about her, without giving too many specifics. One day when she's old enough, I'll tell her.

But of course the pain was very much there again as I was telling her about my mommy, the grandma she never got to meet and to whom she has an amazing, uncanny resemblance in both appearance and demeanor. The wound had healed and I was able to show my mom's picture to the kids before DDay with happiness in my heart for them being interested in the wonderful woman that she was. Now that too it's a fresh wound again. And now I'm crying.

Goes back to my pastor's sermon: "People who cheat on their spouses create pain and suffering that lasts for generations to come".

They open wounds, and they don't realize the ones they open and the ones they reopen. And then have the audacity to reduce it to "a mistake".

Comments, as always, welcome.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/30/2014 15:39 PM

<crying right along with you, GP> I am so very sorry for the loss of your very dear mother. I do believe people die of broken hearts.

You are good and compassionate man, GotPlayed. I sure hope your father appreciates and realizes the gift you are giving him.


Crushed1 posted 7/30/2014 15:49 PM

((((GotPlayed)))) My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about your dear Mother.

There was a medical study done and the doctors said there is proof that 'a person can die from a broken heart', it does compromise the immune system and cause complete havoc with our minds and bodies. Adultery unfortunately affects every aspect of our being.

jjct posted 7/30/2014 19:14 PM

WellPlayed))) my friend, there is indeed a diagnosis
in D(iagnosis) code it is:
429.83 Takotsubo syndrome
Broken heart syndrome
Reversible left ventricular dysfunction following sudden emotional stress
Stress induced cardiomyopathy
Transient left ventricular apical ballooning syndrome...

We all have stories my friend, they're stacked out to the stratosphere they are. Mine sends you strength.

Tred posted 7/30/2014 19:22 PM

What JJ said brother...

LosferWords posted 7/30/2014 19:30 PM


My heart hurts for you. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 7:30 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

GotPlayed posted 7/30/2014 21:57 PM

Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit better. It doesn't go away, not easily. But it's livable. Takotsubo scars opening up is not a fun thing. But the scar tissue is tough, at least.

I survived my teenage years. And I can't help but compare everything that happens to me with my 13th year of age.

DDay is probably close to mom's death. DDay#2 is also ver close. But I survived them. And my kids need me. So I'm strong for them, and for me, and because mom would have wanted to survive and thrive after her own d-days.

At least, for all my poor opinion of stbx, she did do me the favor of not continuing to lie to me. So there won't likely be another day that close. Actually looking forward to D being final. To find a way to nurture my kids in the way their "nurturing" mother simply cannot, and to get some sense of freedom. And every day will be a bit better. Some days I even feel great. As we all know, it's a rollercoaster.

I was PMing someone here about how I kind of feel sorry for whoever she ends up with. Ambivalent about being happy she'll marry and focus her narcissistic target to him and the urge to warn him she will do the same that she did to me. Because I don't wish it on my worst enemy. I really hope I don't like future Mr STBXWW - so I don't have to feel so guilty about not warning him (horrible, I know).

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 9:58 PM, July 30th, 2014 (Wednesday)]

Jrazz posted 7/30/2014 22:05 PM


Crushed1 posted 7/30/2014 22:07 PM

GP, even if you did warn him, he'd probably not believe it. I'm sure he thinks they're 'special' but he'll find out soon enough that he's just the next one in line.

[This message edited by Crushed1 at 10:08 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

FixYou71 posted 7/31/2014 01:29 AM


confused615 posted 7/31/2014 05:34 AM


Kajem posted 7/31/2014 10:01 AM

(((((((((Got played)))))))))))

My father left my mom and eventually married ow. Recently my dad got to a point of not being able to take care of himself (dimentia). We lived in the same state, my brothers live on opposite coasts and further north. My youngest brother had to come and take dad to live near him. If we hadn't had these plans prior to the implosion, I would feel double the guilt.

Hugs to you for taking in your dad and dealing with the open wounds.


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