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T/J BW Died. Difficult feelings, as I was that kid

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 GotPlayed (original poster member #41294) posted at 9:16 PM on Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

From the BW Died thread, that mentions the poor DD going to pick up the frame... I know the DD's feeling, more or less. My mother died when I was 13 (I have two older brothers, the oldest was 16 or 17 at the time). Mom's death happened about 2 years after S due to an OW and OC.

She died of an infection, but her life had been hell and she behaved exemplary as I remember it, and the immune compromise was established because of the A sorrow. Essentially died of a broken heart, everybody said.

Today my dad lives with me. I am helping him out because he has no retirement after a lifetime of poor money choices and bad lifestyle during a critical time in his life. He's living in my couch. He moved here to start over and we'll be bringing his family over as soon as he's established (or he'll go back if he can't get established in a reasonable timeframe). With this family (I love them all, even though I never really was very close to my stepmom, who's not the OW, and get along great with my little brothers and sisters) he has stayed for over 20 years so far. He told me about a week ago he still dreams about my mom.

He's helping out with my kids and such as much as he can, and he's responsible now. But needless to say the feelings are confusing, and something I've been meaning to cover with my IC. It probably greatly affects how I relate to women and also to other fellow men.

Last night I was flipping through pictures with DD8 and my mom's wedding picture came up. I talked to DD8 about her, without giving too many specifics. One day when she's old enough, I'll tell her.

But of course the pain was very much there again as I was telling her about my mommy, the grandma she never got to meet and to whom she has an amazing, uncanny resemblance in both appearance and demeanor. The wound had healed and I was able to show my mom's picture to the kids before DDay with happiness in my heart for them being interested in the wonderful woman that she was. Now that too it's a fresh wound again. And now I'm crying.

Goes back to my pastor's sermon: "People who cheat on their spouses create pain and suffering that lasts for generations to come".

They open wounds, and they don't realize the ones they open and the ones they reopen. And then have the audacity to reduce it to "a mistake".

Comments, as always, welcome.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH and healing. D final March 2016
Her: Doesn't matter anymore.
DS13 Severe SN. DD11 Awesome

posts: 1012   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2013   ·   location: California
id 6891438
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SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 9:39 PM on Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

<crying right along with you, GP> I am so very sorry for the loss of your very dear mother. I do believe people die of broken hearts.

You are good and compassionate man, GotPlayed. I sure hope your father appreciates and realizes the gift you are giving him.

(((GotPlayed)))

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

posts: 15429   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2010   ·   location: The Great White North USA
id 6891472
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Crushed1 ( member #6449) posted at 9:49 PM on Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

((((GotPlayed)))) My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about your dear Mother.

There was a medical study done and the doctors said there is proof that 'a person can die from a broken heart', it does compromise the immune system and cause complete havoc with our minds and bodies. Adultery unfortunately affects every aspect of our being.

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

posts: 10024   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2005   ·   location: Texas
id 6891488
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jjct ( member #17484) posted at 1:14 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

WellPlayed))) my friend, there is indeed a diagnosis

in D(iagnosis) code it is:

429.83 Takotsubo syndrome

Broken heart syndrome

Reversible left ventricular dysfunction following sudden emotional stress

Stress induced cardiomyopathy

Transient left ventricular apical ballooning syndrome...

We all have stories my friend, they're stacked out to the stratosphere they are. Mine sends you strength.

posts: 7269   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2007   ·   location: texas
id 6891719
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 1:22 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

What JJ said brother...

Married: 27 years (14 @JFO) D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5890   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 6891727
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LosferWords ( member #30369) posted at 1:30 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

(((GotPlayed)))

My heart hurts for you. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 7:30 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 31109   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2010
id 6891739
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 GotPlayed (original poster member #41294) posted at 3:57 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit better. It doesn't go away, not easily. But it's livable. Takotsubo scars opening up is not a fun thing. But the scar tissue is tough, at least.

I survived my teenage years. And I can't help but compare everything that happens to me with my 13th year of age.

DDay is probably close to mom's death. DDay#2 is also ver close. But I survived them. And my kids need me. So I'm strong for them, and for me, and because mom would have wanted to survive and thrive after her own d-days.

At least, for all my poor opinion of stbx, she did do me the favor of not continuing to lie to me. So there won't likely be another day that close. Actually looking forward to D being final. To find a way to nurture my kids in the way their "nurturing" mother simply cannot, and to get some sense of freedom. And every day will be a bit better. Some days I even feel great. As we all know, it's a rollercoaster.

I was PMing someone here about how I kind of feel sorry for whoever she ends up with. Ambivalent about being happy she'll marry and focus her narcissistic target to him and the urge to warn him she will do the same that she did to me. Because I don't wish it on my worst enemy. I really hope I don't like future Mr STBXWW - so I don't have to feel so guilty about not warning him (horrible, I know).

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 9:58 PM, July 30th, 2014 (Wednesday)]

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH and healing. D final March 2016
Her: Doesn't matter anymore.
DS13 Severe SN. DD11 Awesome

posts: 1012   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2013   ·   location: California
id 6891870
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 4:05 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

(((GotPlayed)))

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6891880
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Crushed1 ( member #6449) posted at 4:07 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

GP, even if you did warn him, he'd probably not believe it. I'm sure he thinks they're 'special' but he'll find out soon enough that he's just the next one in line.

[This message edited by Crushed1 at 10:08 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

posts: 10024   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2005   ·   location: Texas
id 6891883
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FixYou71 ( member #42654) posted at 7:29 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

(((GotPlayed)))

BS:44
H: 50
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 22 and DS 18
Married 1993

posts: 700   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2014
id 6892022
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confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 11:34 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

((((GotPlayed))))

BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10



..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 6892079
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Kajem ( member #36134) posted at 4:01 PM on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

(((((((((Got played)))))))))))

My father left my mom and eventually married ow. Recently my dad got to a point of not being able to take care of himself (dimentia). We lived in the same state, my brothers live on opposite coasts and further north. My youngest brother had to come and take dad to live near him. If we hadn't had these plans prior to the implosion, I would feel double the guilt.

Hugs to you for taking in your dad and dealing with the open wounds.

K

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - UnknownRelationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

posts: 6708   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Florida
id 6892375
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