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choosehappy86 posted 7/30/2014 17:57 PM

I am young and new to this affair marriage bullshit so bare with me. A part of me feel like a strong woman to separate (but weak in coming back) and part of me believe that maybe I was too hasty in deciding to separate and I want opinions.

Just to give a quick background husband talked to women online and physically cheated with one of them. When he confessed, he was all foggy saying that he loved us both. Well I felt like I couldnt deal with that and I left. I didnt do a in home separation or a 180 while I stayed. I ran to stay with family cause I couldnt stand the fact that my husband loved some other girl and that I was sharing my husband. The confession and me leaving was in May and since then we have gotten back together 3 more times only to find that he doesnt follow through with the no contact with the other woman he cheated with and from talking to other women online like he promised. So when this is revealed I just leave again. Yesterday makes run away number 4. I realize from discovering this site that these false attempts at reconciliation is my fault because I dont properly require that he show me proof before I come back home. so trust me when I say I wont be hasty in returning ever again and will require whatever is necessary to even consider it.

But my question is do you think that choosing to automatically leave or separate when you see your spouse not doing no contact is hasty? I was reading through the tactical plan and I noticed I jump to whatever step leaving/separation is in lol. I dont stay and do the 180. I do the 180 when I leave lol but not being in the same house.

My emotions cant seem to handle him talking to other women like that while I am at home and leaving is the only way I know how to cope. So I would like to know is choosing to leave/seperate when you see he broke no contact or maybe when he admitted the affair but was obviously foggy..is that too hasty? why or why not? have anybody left like that and didnt do 180 while still living with them or some in house seperation or whatever in house method to deal with this bullshit and if so what happened with that?

when I hear stories of wives who lived in the same home and deal with cheating husbands who dont do right and they say they dealt with it for years scares me. I was devasted when he didnt come home a weekend and cheated with her only to finally come home to confess. I was devasted this last go round finding him still texting her. I flipped, guys. My emotions couldnt take it. I cant imagine living with it in the same house for years but I would like to know your guys thoughts and look forward to your responses

Gemini71 posted 7/30/2014 21:11 PM

Not hasty at all. If he's refusing to go NC with the AP, then he is not remorseful and R is impossible.

Regardless of his remorse (or lack thereof), when you're emotionally finished with the M, there is no going back. If his infidelity is a deal breaker for you, then there is no need to drag it out. Reconciliation is a gift that we do not have to give.

You're not alone in the Quick Separation category. I asked Dipshit to leave one week after D-day, and told him to not ever come back a week after that. I filed for D a month after that. I'm now just over a year out and have no regrets. I'm still slogging through the red tape of D, so I'm glad I didn't delay.

Shattered031307 posted 7/30/2014 21:38 PM

I think you have the right to do whatever you need to do...no judgement on my part. I also think you answered your own question when you said,

"I was devastated when he didn't come home for a weekend...My emotions couldn't handle it."

There you go. Your emotions can't handle it...until you can handle the next step, start working the 180 from a safe, calm place.

Any legal action such as official separation etc. doesn't have to be finalized. You need to detox from him - I wish I could get my WS away, that is my one wish, I am not perfect and I've been through this once with him, but NOT AGAIN. YOU do what you need to and the best advice I got from this site...only involve a few people - don't let them decide what YOU should do, tell them all you need is love and support while you figure out YOUR next steps.

{{choosehappy86}}

choosehappy86 posted 7/30/2014 21:42 PM

gemini thank you so much for responding. I am a gemini by the way :). yea I couldnt deal. I went apeshit when I caught him texting that girl he cheated on me with. went home the next day which was yesterday.

choosehappy86 posted 7/30/2014 21:45 PM

shattered thanks so much for the support. I can properly detox when I am away from him and that house of bad memories

persevere posted 7/30/2014 22:26 PM

I'm guessing you are not too much older than my daughter, she's 23. I will tell you what I would tell her - and I say this gently - you deserve better than putting your life on hold for an immature manchild who is treating you as a plan b option. He's already gone back and forth between the two of you 3+ times - how many will be enough for you to walk away?

It really is pretty much as simple as Gemini stated:

If he's refusing to go NC with the AP, then he is not remorseful and R is impossible.

If you read through the Wayward or Reconciliation forums, you will get a feel for what true remorse means. That might be a good frame of reference for you right now.

Big ((Hugs)) ch86 - this is hard, and I'm so sorry you are going through this, but in reading your original post - the facts are all there and you are strong enough to take care of you. Keep posting too - we've all been there.

MissMouseMo posted 7/31/2014 02:10 AM

Instead of being too hasty, I think you did the exact right thing.

Waiting around to see if you "win" or doing the Pick Me Dance just leaves a BS looking weak and unattractive.

IF the WS is going to come around, most of the time it is when they are hit forcefully with the blunt truth of what they stand to lose. See, it's all about them at this point (honestly).

Keep up the good work of listening to yourself.

meleanoro posted 7/31/2014 03:56 AM

You did well. I understand your uncertainty. But there are no absolute rights or wrongs here in terms of what a BS does post d-day. (Barring killing him, I,suppose

I wish I had done what you did. Seriously. I applaud you!

As others noted, this doesn't have to be FINAL. Even divorce isn't final: some couples renew their relationships post divorce.

Getting away was for you. For sanity. If you were my friend or daughter, I'd tell you how proud I am that you're taking care of yourself, and if that means needing space, so be it. Keep protecting yourself and your values, choosehappy.

choosehappy86 posted 7/31/2014 05:07 AM

persevere thank you so much. your right this last go round really did something. all I could think to myself was I separated so you could be with the other woman and that I can move on but you chose me and here your cake eating ass still trying to preserve yall relationship behind my back! so I know coming back hastily does jack shit for me which I wont do unless I see consistent true remorse beforehand (this I dont count on)

missmouse I would only feel foolish doing that damn pickme dance. one of the main reasons I left because I imagined if I stayed and just gave in
and dealt with it I would have to do that dance for years wasted and he still messing around with her or some new girl. this thought flashed in my
head and I panic so bad that I run like hell. I dont want to invest years of my life on a man who doesnt want me only. I remember the day before all this went down he was like "I want monogamy with you but its just something I struggle with" and I literally told him "I understand its something you
struggle with...but I really dont have the patience to wait for you to get over this" that horrible flash forward came to my mind when he said that and I just knew I couldnt do it. part of me felt like maybe I was being a bad wife for not helping my husband through this but that thought in my head scares me so bad and I just dont have it in me to deal

meleanoro you made a good point about divorce. I was always scared of the idea of us divorcing. because truth be told if TRUE reconciliation is ever possible I am going to choose it because I do care about saving my marriage if and only if it can be saved meaning he has to be willing to do the work too. but your right I shouldnt be afraid to divorce or lose the jerk face because right now this is a lose situation trying to keep his cheating ass. if he really desires to mend his ways on his own and give it a try again for real
with consistent proof and I already divorced him well it doesnt have to be the end. lol matter of fact reviving our relationship without remarrying
sounds more ideal to me so that way if he screws me over I dont have to go through any legal bullshit I can just kick him to the curb like a
boyfriend who is inconveniencing the hell out of me lol.

[This message edited by choosehappy86 at 5:13 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

sparkysable posted 7/31/2014 13:55 PM

Hasty? Hell no! You gave him another chance, he blew it. In fact, you got back together 3x? How much more evidence do you need to realize what a cheating, unremorseful POS he is. Let him go. You deserve much better.

choosehappy86 posted 7/31/2014 17:15 PM

thanks sparky the more I look at the facts the more at peace I feel about my decision to leave

BtraydWife posted 8/1/2014 00:34 AM

The separations don't sound hasty. The getting back together parts do though.

That was probably because you wanted to believe him, that he would work to fix this.

In case you didn't see his actions saying no to R, he told you 2 more times. Time to believe his actions now.

Don't get hoovered back in. It's worked before, count on him doing it again. When it happens, ignore him and stay strong.

sparkysable posted 8/1/2014 07:43 AM

Actions speak louder than words. Always. Words words words are just that, words. No meaning behind them.

His actions are screaming "I am serial cheater and I have no intention of stopping". Listen to that. Don't listen to his bullshit "I'm sorry. I'll change. I'll never do it again." Any idiot can read a script to get their way.