** Trigger warning **
Over the last few months I have found myself visiting SI more regularly again. As a 'lurker' and a little more frequently as a poster.
A part of me was feeling a bit stronger and in a position to support others and give back a little bit more.
There has also been something turning inside of me.
This morning I have reflected on why am I back here so much. What else has been running parallel and then it came to me.
There has been a VERY high profile legal case here in my home state. A WS was accused of murdering his BS - he was in the last month found guilty of 1st degree murder (v. likely he will appeal the verdict) I don't want to discuss the details of that case. but want to talk through what has happened for me. and need to give a bit of a summary to give context (sorry)
These events related occurred early 2012. One of the things that happened was that the BS 'disappeared' and that night and the WS claimed she had gone walking late at night after an argument (relating to his infidelity). the WS response was to go to bed and go to sleep. The BS never came home.
So when this all first hit the news it was only a couple of months after my D-day. It was a terrible trigger for me - not just the infidelity but the facts that this poor BS was in such extreme pain and left alone and at risk and her WS did not protect her or comfort her.
Why was it such a trigger - because this is exactly what happened during H's gas lighting and in early discovery. On three occasions late a night after hours of arguing and feeling crazy I left our home twice in a car (once after drinking) and once on foot. Each time I got within 1/2 a km of home and would realize I had nowhere to go.
Nowhere. the time I was drinking I realized I could not be on the road and pulled into a park - Both times in a car I sat in the dark and cried, slept fitfully and returned just on sunrise.
The time on foot (it was summer) I curled up in picnic shelter for hours.
And two of the three times I returned home - he was asleep. The first time (during gaslighting) he had locked the door behind me and I didn't have a house key.
These events damaged my faith in our connection.
In fact the first time it occurred was the biggest red flag that he was lying to me.
When all of this incident first played out in the media - I suddenly felt I was married to a monster at a level that hadn't hit me earlier.
So the replaying of all the events and allegations and the WS's claims in the media during the trial and verdict have re-stimulated this feeling of high alert for me.
I have had about three extreme episodes over the last 5 weeks.
I feel flat and not motivated to keep working on this marriage. I feel right back in 'it' with the shock that I had so little value to him.
That he had this capacity to be such a monster.
Sorry I know this is long and venty - I would just really value some SI support at the moment.