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Help me love music again

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bravegirl19 posted 7/30/2014 20:33 PM

Hi everyone,

It has been two months since my D-day. I won't go into all the details of my story (I have posted my unfortunate situation a few times in other posts)...but the bottom line is I'm still healing from the betrayal and affair my WH put me through. We had our first mediation conference today, so I'm really happy to be moving on with D and with my future life...BUT it kills me that WH is still with OW. I wish I didn't care. :(

I am a HUGE music lover. I have always listened to it constantly, gone to concerts, I even play piano, guitar, flute and love to sing. Music has always been such a big part of me and it makes me SICK that every song I hear reminds me somehow of WH. Especially country music (which I LOVE) since WH started listening to it and bought a big truck during the A because OW loves cowboys. *PUKE*

How can I listen to and enjoy music again? Is there any mind trick to remind myself or resolve my association with love songs and these worthless people?


gypsybird87 posted 7/30/2014 20:59 PM

I could have written this post almost word for word, except that I don't play any instruments. I love many types of music and it was agony to feel like all that had been taken from me in the early months after D-day, which was April 2013 for me.

Like you, my XWH is still with the OW, and there are days that really gets to me. Another member here once said "She didn't get the man you married, she got the asshole you divorced." It helps me a lot to remember that. OW didn't get the great guy I *thought* I married. She got the lying, cheating, morally bankrupt narcissist that I *actually* married. And she is welcome to him.

Like your STBXWH, my ex bought a big pickup truck, started listening exclusively to country, and reinvented himself into the kind of wannabe redneck he always made fun of before. All of this to please OW, who is an actual country hick one step (a TINY step) up from trailer trash.

Music was hard for me for a long time. Many of my favorite bands were his favorites too (before his alien transformation). We saw many, many rock concerts together. So all those favorites were now tied to memories of him. Country music, also tied to him, for obvious reasons. Classical and/or instrumental... music I would normally think of as "relaxing" or "beautiful" just skewed SAD and made me cry. Anything with lyrics, omg.... I thought Bruno Mars was on a personal mission to destroy me! I was finally reduced to nothing my Zumba music, where the tempo is upbeat and the lyrics are all in Spanish. So yeah, I totally get missing music, and feeling like it's been taken from you against your will.

What helped me was reconnecting with old favorites. Music that I listened to and loved wayyyy before XWH came into my life. What were you listening to in high school? Dust off those old CDs and let them take you back. I went back to 80's music, which was high school for me. Then I added early 90s country, which I used to dance to 5 nights a week, longggg before I met XWH.

As time goes by, it will get easier. Now I can listen to pretty much anything and I'm fine. I wouldn't have believed that was possible when I was where you are, two months out, but I made it here and so will you.


You are going to be okay.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/30/2014 21:16 PM

Ahhh bravegirl19. I know what you mean. The problem I think may be two fold. If your feeling down you can develop apathy to the things that you truly love...because you have had the life sucked out of you. And secondly because some thing like lyrics can become a trigger.

I wouldn't call myself a musician but certainly a hack. I'm primarily a bass player but can also play guitar and sort of noodle my way around a piano as long as I don't have to play someone else's music on it. I remember growing a passion for music at a very early age. By the time I was in 3rd grade I knew I wanted to be a rock star. I played my hand at it for many years, been in a lot of bands, played a lot of shows, and have seen many things. I still have a passion for listening to music but I'm afraid my playing days are far behind me. What once was an escape for me...can kinda be a trigger at times because it used to be an escape for me if that makes any sense.

Enough about me. This is supposed to be about you. Can I make a recommendation? Find some music that was your before you met your WH. Anything. Try playing along to it and learning it. In a sense you will be reclaiming it. Second, find something new that interests you. Could be a new genre of music or a new artist in a n old genre that you love. I know how a musician "listens" to music so I know you can do this. For whatever that new thing is...ignore the lyrics at first. Get lost in the music itself and let it wrap itself all around you. Pick out each individual component of the music and focus on it. Follow it. Break down the changes. Follow a melody that you really like. I'm biased and tend to follow bass lines that are the crossover between the rhythm and the melody. Focus on a hook that you can sink your teeth into. Make it YOURS. By the time it's can then listen to the meaning of the song...but by that time you will already own the rest of whatever that new music is for you in your head.

Most importantly...enjoy it and bring that feeling back to yourself.


nolight posted 7/31/2014 03:52 AM

I went through this too, it went away eventually though but takes time. I'm sorry Hun I know that's probably not what you warned to hear

UKgirl posted 7/31/2014 05:19 AM

After d-day, I would sit at the piano and stare. I couldn’t play. I’m not that good and had been going to lessons as “time for me” with someone who was teaching all four boys. I started back just to stretch myself and have targets. We’d play duets and do some improvisation on a theme and I really enjoyed it.

I’d known the teacher for about 15yrs. He’s my age. Lessons began after the summer holiday and he knew something was wrong. I told him. I had to – I couldn’t play. I had no concentration at all – and you need that to play an instrument. It’s not like going out for a run. So he played for me. That must have gone on for several months. I know I still wasn’t playing at Christmas. Of course people noticed, just like they noticed the weight loss.

I carried on with the lessons – except now I call them “therapy sessions”. Singing is easier – the bigger the group, the easier it is. So if you aren’t a member of a singing group or choir, now might be a good time to start. Go to something a bit different musically. If there is an outdoor summer season, then go to those and take your baby with you. Know that you don’t have to take WH’s opinions into account anymore.

Music sets off your emotions. You are connected to it and so it can bring pain as well as pleasure. Stay away from playing love songs, requiems and the like. Get some thunderous Beethoven. I used to play the same fff bars over and over again.

I would say it took a year before I chose to sit and play for any length of time (more than a few minutes). I would say don’t play things that remind you of anything. Or perhaps go back to stuff you learned when you were young.

Don’t listen to music that upsets you or reminds you of WH. Put that country music away for now. Find upbeat and positive stuff. There will be times when you are listening to something and “hear” it in a new way. I had no qualms about changing radio stations when something came on that I associated with us, MOW or the affair. I STILL do it from time to time eight years on!

It will get better. Eventually, when you have moved on, the music that causes pain now will remind you that this is all WH’s loss. You’ll just shrug. He has lost so much due to his weak and immature character. He will never change and it’s just as well you found out sooner rather than later.

Music is life! So, little by little, take back what is rightfully yours.

BtraydWife posted 7/31/2014 07:21 AM

That's hard because so many songs are about relationships.

This might seem odd but since you have a little one it might be helpful later too. I have a Sesame Street cd set. I don't remember the set name but it's like a greatest hit collection but also from back in the day.

I can't listen to it and not smile a little. All the songs are upbeat and the few about relationships are about friends. Maybe its a way to safely listen to music and sing in the car?

TrustedHer posted 7/31/2014 09:06 AM

I like a big variety of different types of music, ranging from Classical to Jazz to Blues to Rock to old-time country...

During my worst times, I couldn't listen to music with words in English. Every other song seemed to cause me pain, being about either Love or Break-ups.

Fortunately, I had access to a wonderful classical music radio station. The songs with words were usually in languages I didn't understand, and most of the music was instrumental.

Eventually, after a couple of years, I could start listening to my variety again.

Daddo posted 7/31/2014 11:41 AM

It took me years to get my love of music back - but it will come back, esp if you find a new someone to share it with.

yme32313 posted 7/31/2014 14:34 PM

I was the same way but ended up listening to betrayal songs.

Carrie Underwood
Miranda Lambert
Kelly Clarkson

all those songs of revenge and being lied to helped me out a lot then I slowly started listening to George Strait again and Garth Brooks.

bravegirl19 posted 7/31/2014 19:51 PM

You guys rock! Thank you for your encouragement and great ideas. :) Another one I had was I could WRITE a song. I'm so emotional, I'm sure the lyrics would be pouring out of me...I'm envisioning a "Goodbye Earl" type of song. LOL

I refuse to let that douchbag ruin music for me!!!!

yearsofpain25 posted 7/31/2014 20:12 PM

Another one I had was I could WRITE a song. I'm so emotional, I'm sure the lyrics would be pouring out of me...

Now you are talking!!! Getting your emotions out is very therapeutic and makes for the best songs. Write away!!

jjct posted 7/31/2014 20:24 PM

What I did, was listen to the music within me, I was forced to do so to survive, since it was 'only me' who had felt this, then I found SI. I found a company of listeners, since then, my song has changed for the better,

then I found, honestly,
universal sound
that quiets the doubts within me...

steadychevy posted 8/1/2014 07:20 AM

Thanks so much for this post. I am not musical but like music. Since DDay 1 I have not had the radio on hardly at all. If I turn it on I usually turn if off in short order. It just seems so trivial and unimportant. My favorite music is C&W but every second song seems to be a "cheatin'" song and the rest are love songs (or so it seems). My WW and I liked the same music so I would have to develop new tastes. I have lots of time to listen to the radio in the tractor and driving time. We are half an hour out of town and one Board of Directors I sit on with monthly meetings is 4 1/2 hours away. I drive in dead silence.

I used to get up early, turn on a news channel on TV, make a pot of coffee just about every morning. Now I make a pot of coffee and go to the computer and read SI. I haven't watched anything on TV for months. Wasting the satelite subscription.

My WW and I would occassionally go to concerts. We went to George Strait in Edmonton the last time he was here. It was a wonderful concert. My favorite C&W artist. My WW fully enjoyed it, too. But she was right back to POSOM right after that. In fact, the very next week she used me to help hide the fact she was commiting adultery with a COW. There was a staff BBQ at her lovers place where she went for sex a minimum of once a week for over 3 years and she invited me (spouses and SO were invited) to go with her as her loving husband. Her POSOMs place is just outside of the town where my WW worked. It is visible from the highway I need to travel regularly. No more George Strait Cds played. No more concerts.

We went to dinner theatres. My WW and her POSOM and COW went to the hotel that has one of the major dinner theatres, stayed there for company functions, went to the dinner theatre and had sex there in an unusual way on more than one occassion. My WW and I stayed there twice while she was committing adultery and attended grazing conferences. Didn't bother her any and she carried on the role of the happy rancher fully in partnership with her husband in our ranching venture.

I retired from the local volunteer fire department recently because I just did not have the desire or energy to continue. I was sent a gift for my years of service by the Fire Department. It is a gift certificate to the dinner theatre in the hotel mentioned above. I don't know what I will do with it. The play program shows that the plays being offered over the next year are mostly comedies involving adultery. I don't know if I can even go into the hotel.

The grazing conference and trade show is being held in a different hotel this fall (it is every second year). I don't know if I can go to it.

I am sorry for hijacking this and going on so long. The situation posed really hit home for me.

I need to find ways to get back to enjoying the things that I used to enjoy so much. Many of them also involved my WW because they are things we enjoyed together. That is difficult. But I need to find a way to bring enjoyment back to my life. Daddo's comment does bother me, though, about taking years.

This post really struck home with me. It makes me realize I need to try harder to get my "happy" back just for me. Thank you bravegirl for starting it and all who added to the thread.

solus sto posted 8/1/2014 08:08 AM

It took me a couple of years to really reclaim the music I love. I found that listening to a completely different genre helped. (There is research showing that doing this can help neural pathways post-trauma, too.) So for me, it was rap and TIME.

You will love it again. It's just a process of systematic desensitization, then enjoyment will follow.

I don't even trigger when I hear songs my tween stbx included in his really boss, I'm-so-cool-I-express-my-love-with-insipid-songs-about-how-our-mean-spouses-ruin-everything mix tape. (His development was arrested in 1986, clearly.)

notyours posted 8/1/2014 10:24 AM

You gotta listen to music. When I first dealt with my WH and his issues, 6 years ago, I gave myself "music therapy" (ran out and had a music shopping spree) which helped, I listened to Toni Braxton, Wasn't Man Enough for Me" and Alanis's "You Ought to Know", (which I did have to download the other day, it just moves me because I can relate to passion/delivery expressed in that song). But this time around, I'm trying not to go that route because it does make you angry and it stirs up emotion and pain, and I 'm listening to my gospel/christian music more and working on me to keep calm and have less stress. You have to find what works for you, but I can relate to hearing music and as BtraydWife said
"That's hard because so many songs are about relationships. " You will find what works for you and eventually be able to move forward with your love for music again.
Me: BS 30
Him: WH, 37 porn, sexting, pic sharing,& phone sex with women,+ maybe more..
2 kids, M 11 yrs, 2Gether 15yrs
Agreed to R, but doubtful and unsure if I should just move on alone.

brkn_heartd posted 8/1/2014 21:35 PM

I am just now starting to be able to listen to music and enjoy it again. I would listen as long as I could, sometimes not through an entire song then turn it off. I can listen longer now. I do avoid CW now....give yourself time and space.

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