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He wants to start on a clean slate after betrayal.

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betrayedpregnant posted 7/31/2014 03:26 AM

So to recap my story quickly. My marriage was blissful and i was blindsided when my husband SUDDENLY left me when I was 6 months pregnant with a planned pregnancy.

A month later I found out that he was already living with his mistress who is butt ugly(and knew that I was pregnant) and my 9 year old daughter was asked to cover up this deceit from me. I got an STD test immediately after that and found out that he gave me something that could be passed on to the baby, so I had to take medications to prevent that.

a month after that, my baby was born, x never bothered to name him, and x never bothered to give me a penny to support him. LITERALLY NOT A PENNY.

He has harassed me many times to agree to give him 50/50 custody of our children, including the infant he never named or supported. He served me divorce papers A WEEK AFTER I DELIVERED THE BABY.

I felt wronged in several ways:
1) He cheated on me with an ugly tramp
2) He told me everyday he was so happy, then abandoned me suddenly
3) I was 6 months pregnant with a planned baby
4) He passed an STD to me, risking baby's health
5) He never cared to name baby or show up for birth
6) He never gave me a single penny to support his children after he left
7) He served me divorce papers a week after I went into labor
8) He harassed me to agree to a 50/50 custody
9) He brought his mistress to my house
10) He involved our 9 yr old daughter in his deceit


Fast forward to now, it has only been less than 4 months after DDay, and we are progressing quickly with our divorce, but now x is wanting to act like we're friends!!! Like oh, smiley smiley, let's let bygones be bygones, put the past behind us, we're friends now, what are you mad for, we have to coparent in a friendly way, why are you still holding a grudge, you should be happy for me. He even told me that he and his mistress are giving me a chance to be a part of their family!!!! He wants to start on a clean slate right now! And he is amazed that I do not want to do that. He acts as if I'm spiritually inferior because I haven't forgiven him yet.

The problem is, I'm so far from being over it! In all honesty I do not know if I'll EVER forgive him until I die!! I do not know if I can EVER feel NEUTRAL about him at all. In your opinion, fellow betrayed friends, am I crazy???? Am I ABNORMALLY clinging to past hurt? After 4 months, should I have been able to just start on a clean slate and feel neutral when I have to interact with him? Am I expected to treat him with positive regard despite his betrayal?? Please I need to hear the opinions of BS only.

[This message edited by betrayedpregnant at 4:09 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

RomanticInnocenc posted 7/31/2014 03:56 AM

Sorry, but F*CK NO! I found my husband's affair 8 days after I had given birth to our first child. I too thought we were happy, our baby was planned and he seemed to love the idea of becoming a father. Now we are in R, WH chose me on dday, broke it off with her and went no contact. But if things had gone the opposite way I would have fought tooth and nail for him to have as little to do with the child he basically threw away, I would never forgive him and be cordial. I would move on when it was healthy and important for me to get on with my life. Not 4 months after dday and certainly not 3 months after having his child. Forgiveness is for you, not for him. I would cut him and his hoe out of your life like a cancerous sore. Sure, you have to co-parent and keep things stable for the kids. Outside of that you feel how you need to feel and start letting go when it's the right thing for you.

meleanoro posted 7/31/2014 04:01 AM

I do not know if I can EVER feel NEUTRAL about him at all. In your opinion, fellow betrayed friends, am I crazy???? Am I ABNORMALLY clinging to past hurt?

Oh hell no.

This person wounded you in what is one of the most overt, painful ways a human can hurt another.

Ignore his desire to be nicey nicey friend friend.

Then repeat after me:

He. Is. Delusional.

You, my friend, are healthy and amazing. Having a baby in the midst of this insanity!

You need be nothing more than distantly neutral with him as a parent. Cool. Aloof. Little contact as possible.

His problem if he can't handle that consequence to his fucked up choices.

confused615 posted 7/31/2014 05:21 AM

He will allow you to be a member of THEIR family?

Holy Hell.

I admire your restraint.

FTG.

neverbeokay posted 7/31/2014 05:39 AM

Betrayal isn't easy to get past. Given everything he's done I think you are doing great.

I truly believe that someday you will be happy you are not married to such a broken man. You might even be able to be cordial to him and his whore. If not, so what? It's okay if you never are nice to either of them again.

For your own sanity 180 him except for kids and finances. If he starts criticizing your attitude or anything else walk away, hang up, stop answering. One of the best things about getting divorced is that you no longer have to put up with that BS.

Take care of you and your precious children.

Gemini71 posted 7/31/2014 08:33 AM

As everyone else said, Oh Hell No! He does not get a clean slate. As long as you are polite and cordial in front of the kids, you are doing fantastic.

He wants you to 'make nice' with him and OW so they can feel better about themselves. If you can forgive them, then what they did wasn't really that bad. Fuck that shit.

Softcentre posted 7/31/2014 09:03 AM

OK, think a bit deeper...why is he doing this?

Possible ideas:

- He told OW you've been keeping him from your child so he doesn't look like the POS he is.
- If you're his friend then (in his head) it means he did nothing wrong.
- He's wanting you to refuse & create more drama to help bond him and OW together
- He's trying to build a case of parental alienation against you (are you keeping a log of when he has had contact?)
- He's trying to control you - both emotionally (you HAVE to be his friend) and through the D (he's threatening to take the baby 50%, even though he clearly doesn't care, just to spite you/as a negotiating tool)

itainteasy posted 7/31/2014 09:22 AM

Fuck.That.Guy.

Charity411 posted 7/31/2014 09:59 AM

He's willing to let you be part of their family?

I'm surprised you haven't killed him yet. If I were married to this jerk I'd be doing 50 to life right now.

norabird posted 7/31/2014 10:09 AM

Of course you don't 'forgive' him for this! Also, you can file temporary CS papers, I think--he should be paying to support his child. Also, have you agreed to the 50/50? He may only want that to lessen his financial obligation. I hope you have a shark attorney going after this disgusting excuse for a 'man'.

BrighterFuture posted 7/31/2014 11:19 AM

The problem is, I'm so far from being over it! In all honesty I do not know if I'll EVER forgive him until I die!! I do not know if I can EVER feel NEUTRAL about him at all. In your opinion, fellow betrayed friends, am I crazy???? Am I ABNORMALLY clinging to past hurt?

No you're not crazy to feel this way at 4 months! I'm 17 months from Dday, and I'm far from the feelings of indifference. I'm also afraid I may never get there, but the future will tell. I guess if we work on ourselves, and have awesome lives, they will nolonger occupy our thoughts or our hearts!

sparkysable posted 7/31/2014 11:32 AM

OH FUCK NO!

And ditto what norabird and softcentre said said:

Also, you can file temporary CS papers, I think--he should be paying to support his child. Also, have you agreed to the 50/50? He may only want that to lessen his financial obligation. I hope you have a shark attorney going after this disgusting excuse for a 'man'.

He told OW you've been keeping him from your child so he doesn't look like the POS he is.
- If you're his friend then (in his head) it means he did nothing wrong.
- He's wanting you to refuse & create more drama to help bond him and OW together
- He's trying to build a case of parental alienation against you (are you keeping a log of when he has had contact?)
- He's trying to control you - both emotionally (you HAVE to be his friend) and through the D (he's threatening to take the baby 50%, even though he clearly doesn't care, just to spite you/as a negotiating tool)

Or, it could just be a simple case of "If we're friends, than what I did wasn't so bad, because, after all, we let bygones be bygones. Sorry, but this is one of those things that bygones are definitely not bygones. Fuck him.

kg201 posted 7/31/2014 11:41 AM

Ummmm...let me think....no.

There is a special place in hell for someone who leaves their pregnant wife. Do your best to get as much child custody as you can...you have enough ammunition to get it.

hurtbs posted 7/31/2014 11:49 AM

You are not crazy or abnormal. You went through a serious trauma and experience extreme betrayal when you were most vulnerable (pregnant) from the person you most trusted. This takes years to work on and get over. You do not ever have to be "friends" with your ex. You must be "civil" and you must cooperate, but you do not have to be friendly.

In terms of custody, speak to your attorney. His behavior will be taken into account in that agreement. Likely he wants 50/50 so that he can pay less child support. Let the attorney handle the negotiations.

So sorry you are going through this. there is nothing wrong with you.

LookingforLove posted 7/31/2014 12:57 PM

HELL TO THE NO!!!!

180 him hard. If you can, email/text only where records can be saved if you need them.

He is delusional and doesn't deserve you or his kids.

As far as the Ho-Wrecker is concerned you don't owe her shit. Part of their family, I don't think so.

You can't control what happens at his house but you can control what happens at yours. She is not allowed in your home. If you can, since you have a a little one and he has involved your daughter in his Affair and deceit, I would try to get visitation where she is not able to be around them during that time.
HUGS

dmari posted 7/31/2014 14:35 PM

You received sooo much on-point responses so I won't repeat them. Except this one ... FUCK NO to all your questions. You are an amazing woman and mom with dignity, compassion, strength and intelligence. You are struggling with his behavior because your dday was only a few month ago and I think your heart and mind are wrestling with each other. Your mind knows what he did and continues to do is straight up WRONG but your heart still remembers who you thought he was.

"He acts as if I'm spiritually inferior because I haven't forgiven him yet." Practice this: . He, of all people, shouldn't behave as he is spiritually superior. I struggled with the concept of "forgiveness". There are many definitions of forgiveness. I have "accepted" what he has done to me and the kids but I haven't forgiven him because 1. he hasn't asked for forgiveness and 2. I feel forgiveness must be earned by making amends.

Continue to focus on YOU. Do what feels right and authentic for YOU. Take care!!

BtraydWife posted 7/31/2014 15:18 PM

Wow, I wonder if it rains skittles in his little world? He has completely lost his mind. What an obnoxious entitled asshole. Can't wait to read about it when the bus catches up with him.

Phoenix1 posted 7/31/2014 15:56 PM

Not just HELL NO, but FUCKING HELL NO!

You are absolutely NOT crazy. He did a horrendous thing to you. It is very traumatic. You have EVERY right to be angry with him.

As for spiritual inferiority for not forgiving him? Um, how about his spiritual inferiority for fucking another woman while married with a pregnant wife! My XPOS was/still is a devout Catholic and he has thrown the whole "forgiveness" thing at me in the past. However, after I told him he was the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet each time he said that, he finally shut up about it. Stand your ground because you know what he did was WRONG on every possible level no matter how he acts. Eventually his antics will just make you roll your eyes.

Even when you get to the point of indifference, you don't have to forgive him for what he has done. I am indifferent to my XPOS, but I will NEVER forgive him for what he did to me and our family. We are civil to each other as we have extensive ongoing interaction for other reasons, and he would love nothing more than to let bygones be bygones and be "friends," but that just is not going to happen. Tell him, in a calm voice with a smile, he can shove that "clean slate" right up his ass.

Oh, and DON'T give in to 50/50 custody just because you feel harassed to do so. STAND YOUR GROUND.

I am really sorry you are going through this at a time that should be joyous with a new baby.

shiloe posted 7/31/2014 16:24 PM

He wants you to 'make nice' with him and OW so they can feel better about themselves. If you can forgive them, then what they did wasn't really that bad

This is right out of the cheater hand-book.

See what I did wasn't so bad, we are even still friends.

F.T.G.

[This message edited by shiloe at 4:25 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

SBB posted 7/31/2014 16:26 PM

I haven't even read this whole thread and I agree with everyone else.

They ALL try to pull this shit. Its the same as during False R - "I'm not cheating right NOW - what's your problem???". It is crazy making.

The fact that we have children together is the ONLY reason I HAVE to interact with you. This means civil, not amicable. Isn't it ironic that our vows and children didn't stop them from doing awful, terrible, horrible things and fucking around but they seem to think it gives them a free pass to amicable in the aftermath.

And at 4 months out?

Those fuckers need a check-up from the neck up.

Hell - I've had people who are friends with him and his whore reach out after a time trying to reconnect now that 'everything is in the past'.

Go fuck yourself - all of you. Yes, I'm not a sobbing heap on the floor anymore so that past is indeed in the past but you don't get the privilege of my company or my friendship in the aftermath.

I don't get how people don't understand that in these situations amicable isn't deserved or required. Civil yes, but not amicable.

The only option after loathing for me is indifference. Civil is as good as it gets for you, buddy. You should be delighted that I'm not trying to cut your dick off every time I have to see your fugly mug.

The chance of me being amicable or friendly are only slightly higher than the chance of me going to the moon.

Go fuck yourself.

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