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In and out of love

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islesguy posted 7/31/2014 07:17 AM

No stop sign

I am struggling to understand my past and my love. 10 years ago, I was clearly not showing love to my wife, I was cheating doing things behind her back, and at some point I stopped saying I love you to her. When she asked me about this back then, my response was that I could not say something I didn't feel. When I look back now, I can see how confused I was about everything in my relationship and that I was absolutely not showing any love to her.

So, did I actually stop loving her during that time or was I just confused about my feelings. I love my wife and I can't believe that there was a time I actually stopped loving her, I believe that I was just confused about my life which confused my love for her back then. But, is being confused actually the same thing as not loving her, either way I was not showing her love.


Anik1989 posted 7/31/2014 07:29 AM

I just want you to know you have been heard. I am not in your situation. But I like to believe that once you fall in love with someone, you will always love that person... it might not be for the same reasons or with the same intensity, but that love is always there. It might not be enough, but its there...
That is my belief! I hope someone else can give you some better advice.

somethingremorse posted 7/31/2014 08:49 AM

I believe that I was just confused about my life which confused my love for her back then.

This is what I believe about myself. I spent so much time obsessing all the little things, like where BW was short with me, and misinterpreting so many things the BW or I or anyone else did. I wasn't able to consider everything that really mattered. I just processed so many things in such a bad way.

"Love" is the most difficult thing in the world to define. We all go crazy trying to figure out some line -- this is love, but one step back is not love. I personally don't think that is possible. I don't think it is helpful most of the time, either.

Think about it -- you can say that you loved your BW during your A. I would say that I loved BW all along. But it doesn't diminish or change in any way what we did. Does it mean I loved BW less? Or not at all? Or that I loved her when things were good, but not when things were not? I don't think there are answers to those questions. I know how I feel, and BW knows how she feels, and neither of us can say that the others feelings are wrong.

bionicgal posted 7/31/2014 08:56 AM

Kind of an existential question.

I don't think we fall in and out of love like we get a cold, and then it is over, and we get another one. Love isn't something we have to catch and hold on to tight, or it flies away.

You'll see it here a lot, but love is a verb. Act loving, and you'll feel more loving. Checking your emotional temperature to see if you feel like you love someone is a recipe for disaster. Worrying that you'll fall out of love with someone is the same. Of course affair "love" is different, because that is just people using people to get a high; it is a bastardization of love.

Think about how you love your kids -- they can make us totally crazy, but the love is always there. You may not feel loving all the time, but the love is the backdrop.

DrJekyll posted 7/31/2014 10:19 AM

Love is not something you give. Love is something you share. And then hope that it is received.

You cannot "fall" in and out of love. you can only choose whether or not to share it. And you can only share as much love as you have for yourself. I would imagine if you look back at those times in your life. You have less love for yourself, as you were doing things against your "True Self" Things against your moral value inside.

I would recommend reading "Healing the child within" this may shed some insight into healing this.

islesguy posted 7/31/2014 10:28 AM

somethingremorse,

I spent so much time obsessing all the little things, like where BW was short with me, and misinterpreting so many things the BW or I or anyone else did. I wasn't able to consider everything that really mattered. I just processed so many things in such a bad way.
This is exactly what I did. I saw everything BS did or said as not caring about me or an offense towards me when in retrospect she was just trying to help. This led to resentment, frustration, and confusing feelings and was a snowball effect.

islesguy posted 7/31/2014 10:35 AM

bionicgal,

I have read the information about love being a verb but I have a hard time with that. I agree that love is something you show, but I feel like it has to come from feelings within. I feel like you can love someone and not show that love for one reason or another, but I don't think that you can show someone love when you don't feel it from inside.

islesguy posted 7/31/2014 10:39 AM

DrJekyll,

And you can only share as much love as you have for yourself.

Wow, this is something really interesting. You are right that I didn't have a lot of love for myself back then. Actually, I never really have loved myself and I am probably at the lowest level of self love right now in my entire life. I don't feel like I have ever been able to express love very well with my BS or my kids.

Thanks for your book recommendation.

DrJekyll posted 7/31/2014 10:51 AM

that book does not discuss the concept of love. but more the core of what our "true self" wants as a human being.

In my scenario. I come from a broken home. Raised by an NPD mom. that taught me "love is conditional. and punished me by withdrawing love" So I never had a good sense myself of what love was.

If you want to know the actions of love, read
"The Love Dare"

The whole concept of "I gave you my love, so I cannot take it back." eliminates the entire CHOICE to love. Love is something to share everyday, in every decision. Every decision is a choice for or against sharing your love with your BS.

So if you look at each and every action of love. you are either performing a loving action or you are not. If you keep your BS in your mind as you go through every action of your day. You are either reinforcing your boundaries of love with them. Or you are violating your boundaries of love with them.

This concept has come from a wide variety of reading and discussion with my BS. She is the brilliant one that came up with it. I am but a messenger.

[This message edited by DrJekyll at 11:59 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

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