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Anyone out there ealing with A cake Eater

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kellyAnn65 posted 7/31/2014 08:43 AM

I have heard the term Cake Eater and I guess that is what my WH is...How do you deal with it and how long did the cake eating last? I am going crazy here with all this and am looking for people that are going through the same thing I guess

TheIrishGirl posted 7/31/2014 08:46 AM

Here's the thing about living/being with a cake eater: you're letting them do it.

Force the decision- if you don't want to be with me and only me, then you can't be with me at all. Here are some hefty bags for your stuff. If you can't pack in 15 minutes, I will help by dumping the contents of your closet out the window so you can collect it from outside once I lock the door & change the key behind you.

TheIrishGirl posted 7/31/2014 08:48 AM

I realize my post above was quite blunt, but I think it's true if kicking WS out is feasible. If not, the next best option is the 180 and a blanket on the couch for WS, unless there is a guest room available.

The only other alternative is having an open marriage.

kellyAnn65 posted 7/31/2014 08:49 AM

The problem with that is he makes all the money if he goes so does any source of income I have for me or our grandson

yearsofpain25 posted 7/31/2014 09:07 AM

Hi kelly. I posted to one of your threads last night and it occurred to me that you may not have seen the full suite of threads that may be of some use to you. Most of these are in the Just Found Out forum. Please take a look at these threads as you can find a lot of the terminology and abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out or use this link.

Also please read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. Surprised it hasn't been suggested to you yet and I should have suggested it in your other thread. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

Before You Say Reconcile...

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with him:

For future reference here's what hoovering means:

Hope this helps you.


veronique12 posted 7/31/2014 09:08 AM

Hi Kelly. Not any longer but right after DDay 1 I was. I was in such a state of shock that I didn't have the presence of mind to lay down a true ultimatum. But really that's the only way to get anywhere with a cake eater. You have to be prepared to tell your H that you refuse to be in a triangle and then be prepared to walk away if he cannot commit to you.

Just days after DDay 1 when my H was insisting that it was just an EA (not even using that term, more like "we are really close" and other bullshit), I had to travel out of state for work. OW was calling my H asking him to come over bc he had told her I found them texting and they couldn't talk anymore. She wanted to talk to him about him leaving me for her. He went to her house and they ended up having sex (I didn't know at the time of course, only after the TT stopped). After that he sort of froze and didn't really break things off with OW, just told her half heartedly they couldn't talk anymore, and kept lying to me about the level of their involvement. He didn't delete her as a contact on his phone, email, social media, etc. He kept saying he thought he did, but in actuality he didn't even try. He now admits he was keeping his options open in case I threw him out.

When I learned of the PA I got tougher with him, demanding an NC call, which he did but he wasn't forceful enough with her because she still kept trying to contact him. I blame him for being indirect and not completely deleting her as a contact on some social media accounts. Finally I had enough and told him I was leaving if he didn't cut all ties, including complete blocking and sending a new NC text together with me in which he was much more forceful in telling her to go away. It was at this time that my H really started to show remorse and horror and disgust at what he had done.

Looking back I cannot believe I didn't tell him complete NC or else I'm out of here earlier. I chalk it up to shock. A lot of further damage to our M happened during this time and a lot of the resentment I feel toward my H results from the way he handled things (and how I let him) during that time after DDay. So that said, I do urge you to put your foot down earlier than I did.

It's emotionally damaging to be with someone who is feeding you bullshit in order to keep on with his own selfish behavior. Unfortunately, in most cases the cake eating lasts as long as YOU allow it to last. It's not easy. You need to be prepared to end your M entirely in order to stop the behavior. The M you want and deserve doesn't exist at this time.

choosehappy86 posted 7/31/2014 12:22 PM

yeah my husband was cake eater until I left him Tuesday. for me personally I couldnt deal with living with him while he continue to cheat or talk to the woman he cheated with or other women online. he eithers stops and provide proof that he stopped or I stopped giving him cake. well he didnt stop. so I took my cake away from him by leaving him and the only cake he is going to enjoy is the other woman/women and not mines. I am sure there are other in-home methods but I couldnt deal.

painfulpast posted 7/31/2014 12:36 PM

The problem with that is he makes all the money if he goes so does any source of income I have for me or our grandson

Then it's time for a 180 until you see an attorney to see what remedies you have.

You can't make him stop. You can only remove yourself from the equation.

bs13 posted 7/31/2014 16:12 PM

I'm dealing with a cake eater as well. I also did not put my foot down, just trying to put myself back together when I found out.
I wrote out my boundaries to him two weeks ago, and have closed the bakery, he is sleeping on the couch, it is not feasible for us to have two separate places at this time.
I've been doing the 180, and have seen a real difference in him trying to be affectionate and attentive to me. It's hard to not get sucked back in. He still has not written the no contact letter, and has not blocked her out of his life, says he will... The clock is ticking...
I am also building up a lot of resentment for how we've both been handling this. I also chalk it up to shock, lack of sleep, lack of eating, etc, for my part anyway.

choosehappy86 posted 7/31/2014 17:56 PM

and has not blocked her out of his life, says he will

so he still talks to her romantically or just talk t o her?

my punk ass husband was still talking to OW romantically pretending he had divorced me and they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I couldnt deal. it probably wouldnt have been all that bad if he told her he was working on his marriage and was just responding to her messages politely. no he was talking lovey dovey to her while attempting to falsely reconcile with me. no bueno.

suckstobeme posted 7/31/2014 19:57 PM

I dealt with it for a few tortuous months before I even knew I was dealing with an A. He told me, out of the blue, that he didn't want to be married anymore. I was shocked, to say the least. He could only give super lame excuses for why and gave me the classic, love you but not in love with you speech.

At the same time, he kept telling me he didn't want a divorce. It was insane. He was sleeping in the same bed, doing things on the weekends with me and the kids. But yet, he would ignore me. He was angry or drunk most of the time. The other times he was quiet and barely glanced in my direction.

In my heart, I knew there was someone else and I was pretty sure I knew who it was, but couldn't bring myself to investigate. I wanted nothing more than to have my husband come back home and leave this cruel shell of himself at the curb.

When I realized he wasn't doing anything to try to make it better, I took the kids and stayed at my mom's for a night. I told him he had until the next day to make a decision and tell me whether he was going to stay or go.

He chose to go, but it took him a few weeks to find a place. He also kept telling me it was just a trial separation and he wasn't sure what he wanted. I proposed D because he just wasn't in this anymore and he still told me no. He kept me hanging on to that last bit of hope for as long as he could.

The night before we were going to go to an MC appointment that he wanted, my best friend's sister saw him out with the one person who I knew was the OW. I confronted and I ended it. I made the decision for him, finally, and put an end to his bullshit.

I have no idea what his end game was. I don't think he knew. My IC says that she truly believes he didn't want to leave, but he got caught and knew the likely consequences I would dole out. He lied repeatedly and has never told me one bit of the truth.

Those months of his horrible cake eating were the worst. I didn't know which way was up and I was afraid to do or say anything that would cause him to leave for good.

I finally realized that I had no control over him and his decisions. I could only control me and, as hard and scary as it was, I knew that I was the only one who was going to stop that madness. I got up enough courage because I had to do it for me. I wouldn't have survived much more of that.

Sending you huges, strength and courage - this shit is hard.

bs13 posted 7/31/2014 22:28 PM

@choosehappy86 He says that it is as 'just friends' but I'm not buying it. He gave me access to his latest secret account but everything on there was deleted, and there has been no new e-mails since then. So I am assuming there is another new account.

choosehappy86 posted 7/31/2014 23:31 PM

well u know what bs if its just friends then he should be okay with showing you these "friendly" messages between him and the OW.

bs13 posted 7/31/2014 23:45 PM

Yes. I agree. I told him it 'speaks volumes' to me that he is still deleting.

Asil0623 posted 8/1/2014 08:11 AM

My story is a lot like so many others. August marks 5 months since DDay for me. I knew something was wrong two months before that though. I was in a state of shock, asked him to leave, but I got terribly sick so he stayed to "help". He cried, apologized, and kissed my ass...promising to be here for me, etc. I was so desperate to have him back that I fell got it all. The remorse lasted all of a few weeks. By the end of 2-2 1/2 months, he was hiding things again. He had secret apps on his phone, admitted to talking to the COW at work, looking her up on FB. He was mad for me needing to ask questions, etc. we played house for another couple of, family stuff, etc. He genuinely seems to try and care at times, and then at other times he comes out with the most hurtful crap. This week we were to celebrate our 20th anniversary. We went to eat but that was it. It was just awkward. At the end of the night, I realized not once had he told me he loved me. The last time was once in June. I am through. I talked to him last night and told him I wanted him out. I'm strong enough to move on. I realize I deserve much better that the love crumbs he's leaving.

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