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Consequences for cheating, what would you deem fair

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seethelight posted 7/31/2014 09:57 AM

To all the Betrayed spouses, what would you like the consequence for cheating to be?

Do you think if there were more serious consequences that your spouse would have refrained from cheating?

million tears posted 7/31/2014 10:04 AM

He might have refrained because of some consequence but he would have still wanted to do it. That still puts me second. The problem is that he had no consequences. He is still here.

Short of me carrying his balls in my purse, I can't think of any consequence that would have made him stop. He risked his family, his home, his best friend, his honor. He risked everything.

tushnurse posted 7/31/2014 10:06 AM

Good question, and early on I would have said something severe like castration.
Would it have stopped him? Probably, but he would have engaged in some other self destructive behavior.
The choice to engage in infidelity has more to do with the brokenness of the WS and them not having the tools to deal with it, or the ability to recognize it for what it is.

Many people here will tell you that their WS did other destructive things like drinking/gambling/compulsive shopping etc. These are all crappy ways to make them feel better, and worthy. Ultimately though none of those work. Neither does Infidelity. What works is doing the real hard work of fixing your shit.

outtanowhere posted 7/31/2014 10:09 AM

First offense- remove the right testicle.....repeat offenders beware. I'm kind of a bitch where this is concerned.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/31/2014 10:10 AM

There is absolutely no consequences for WS's cheating if you are reconciling, and even if divorcing, the consequences aren't always there.

What I feel you may be seeking, seethelight, is justice. The sooner one can accept and process that there is no justice to be had for a BS, the sooner you can get onto the next step of healing and processing. It took me awhile to get there. It takes some time to accept that concept. I don't know why I expected any "fairness" in infidelity. Most of life isn't fair, why would there be anyway that infidelity could be made fair?

KatieG posted 7/31/2014 10:11 AM

I really don't think anything would work for everyone. People commit some crimes where the consequence is death! The key is whether they get found out. They think they will "get away with it".

Some don't get found out and they may never understand the devastation it causes.

Actually, for those with remorseful WSs the consequence for the WS is positive. A better way of living, openness and peace. Difficult for us BSs I know, but I guess we learn through suffering.

Alex CR posted 7/31/2014 10:35 AM

Snorting coffee out of my nose from the laugh that burst out of me when I read....

Short of me carrying his balls in my purse,

That's a picture!

Depending on the WS and circumstances, there may be no consequences at all.

But if the WS is, at heart, a person who feels shame and guilt and they find themselves living a life with a spouse whose given them the gift of R, a life that's, for them, open and loving and they're at peace with their demons, they will also live forever with the guilt and shame knowing the damage they wrought on the person they love more today because of that person's gracious gift of reconciliation and a second chance.

I have empathy for my husband..he carried the burdens from his FOO and now carries the burden he created himself through actions that were loathsome and totally immoral. And he has to live with that knowledge.

TheBestMe posted 7/31/2014 10:45 AM

they will also live forever with the guilt and shame knowing the damage they wrought on the person they love more today because of that person's gracious gift of reconciliation and a second chance.

I have empathy for my husband..he carried the burdens from his FOO and now carries the burden he created himself through actions that were loathsome and totally immoral. And he has to live with that knowledge


^^^^ This.

Razor posted 7/31/2014 11:35 AM

There is absolutely no consequences for WS's cheating if you are reconciling, and even if divorcing, the consequences aren't always there.

What I feel you may be seeking, seethelight, is justice. The sooner one can accept and process that there is no justice to be had for a BS, the sooner you can get onto the next step of healing and processing. It took me awhile to get there. It takes some time to accept that concept. I don't know why I expected any "fairness" in infidelity. Most of life isn't fair, why would there be anyway that infidelity could be made fair?

I agree completely with SisterMilkShake. This life we live is a pretty hard place. Life is a bitch. Gravity is a myth because being on earth just sucks.

If M were an ACTUAL contract that included consequences for a breach. I still doubt WW would have paused more than a moment in her LTA.

Before her affair she had lots of inappropriate relationship with men she worked with. She would not have stopped those because in her mind those relationships were *innocent* and I was just being possessive and jealous.

She would not have stopped during her LTA because the thought she would not get caught.

NOTHING would have stopped her. And this fact also speaks to the point that there also was NOTHING I could have done to stop her from having her LTA.

But there is no actual M contract. Its all just fluffy words of no consequence.

There are consequences however. but most of these are borne by the BS. IMO what the WS must deal with is mostly trivial. Not going to places where the LTA happened. Loss of some privacy. and thats about it.

And what of the shame and guilt? I see no sign of it in my WW. She goes on her merry way and swears she NEVER thinks of OM or her LTA unless I bring it up. When I do bring it up she says she feels bad and she hurts too. but from what I see what she *endures* is less than nothing compared to what I go through each and every day.

There is no consequence and thats not fair. But it is what it is. This is life. This is MY life. and I accept that.

LA44 posted 7/31/2014 11:38 AM

SisterMilkshake and tushnurse got it right again.

needfriendshere posted 7/31/2014 11:48 AM

Wow! Lots of good answers here. I love the cutting off of the right testicle and carrying the balls in the purse. Those would have been about the only consequences that would have PREVENTED my H from cheating with his former AP. But that is neither here nor there.

The only consequence I am now honestly asking (and praying) for is that he will feel such remorse for all of the pain he has caused me that he would or could never even think of cheating again.

Right now, he can't stand watching any movie that involves infidelity or listening to any songs about the topic (like Lips of an Angel). The guilt he feels is overwhelming. I hope he never stops feeling the guilt (not on a level of being in pain, but on a level where it will stop him in his tracks if the thought crosses his mind) - I know I will never completely get over the pain. Am I being selfish here???

RyeBread posted 7/31/2014 11:49 AM

I think the references to genital mutilation are a little much but I understand the hurt where those comments come from.

Maybe a fast-tracked divorce where the BS has complete say in what they want out of it. No lawyer back and forth negotiations, the BS takes what they want and the WS can keep whats left. That way the WS indeed looses everything. I mean, they wanted out anyway right?

Nature_Girl posted 7/31/2014 11:51 AM

My spouse would not have cared if there were severe consequences. He is not capable of caring, nor is he capable of comprehending that he's done anything wrong.

needfriendshere posted 7/31/2014 11:53 AM

Ryebread, now that is thinking with a very clear head. Yes, that would be fair and right. Any way to get a bill passed that would give us those rights in a court of law?

painfulpast posted 7/31/2014 11:55 AM

In imaginationland, infidelity would have the following consequences:

Fast divorce where WS gets NOTHING except half of the debt of the marriage. All assets remain with the BS

All love notes, texts, pictures, etc are made public. That's right - the entire world gets to read their mushy, lie-filled fantasy fog 12 year old dribble.

Finally - WS has to stay with AP. As we all know, they always affair down, and they pick people as low as they can find to 'play' with. So keep 'em! Stay with OM/OW. Have a greeeeeaaaaaat life together - LMFAO!!!

oh, if only imaginationland were real...

spond posted 7/31/2014 12:05 PM

Just like LA44... SisterMilkshake and tushnurse hit the nail on the head.

I used to struggle with the fact that I felt that the WS was not punished someway or another. There was no justice for the crime that was committed towards our marriage. (once in a while that still comes across my mind)

But for those in R you can't bog your mind down with stuff like that.

Lark posted 7/31/2014 12:07 PM

Honestly, just true empathy and realizing and feeling the pain of it.

That would've stopped him from doing it, definitely, and if he actually feels and experiences true empathy - it'll be with him the rest of his life. It may not be as brutal as a short-term physical pain or as practical as a financial pain - but in the end it'll actually get at the part of him that matters.

RyeBread posted 7/31/2014 12:08 PM

Any way to get a bill passed that would give us those rights in a court of law?

I wish!! but I am guessing a lot of the people who could pass that law would be afraid they'd loose everything I know, I shouldn't stereotype buy hey.

Finally - WS has to stay with AP

That would be perfect. Maybe a transfer of marriage or something? Oh man, I would love that. My WW's AP had a wife and another woman on the side. I'd like to see that cage match.

Chefj9 posted 7/31/2014 12:12 PM

There are consequences.... losing your family, money, reputation, respect, job, extended family and friends. Basically you put your entire life at risk when you choose infidelity.

IDK, maybe legal action, to actually prosecute someone, but what would the sentence be? If you put them in jail, they are then removed from you and your children. I"m not sure how that would help. Financial restitution? If that's what your after then you can get that possibly in a divorce.

There just really isn't anything that I feel is deemed fair.


GabyBaby posted 7/31/2014 12:14 PM

Short of me carrying his balls in my purse

*searching through purse*
Lipstick...keys...husband's balls...oh there's my pen! To whom should I make out this check...?

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 12:15 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

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