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Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: Consequences for cheating, what would you deem fair
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all the Betrayed spouses, what would you like the consequence for cheating to be?

Do you think if there were more serious consequences that your spouse would have refrained from cheating?


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
million tears
♀ 24416
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He might have refrained because of some consequence but he would have still wanted to do it. That still puts me second. The problem is that he had no consequences. He is still here.

Short of me carrying his balls in my purse, I can't think of any consequence that would have made him stop. He risked his family, his home, his best friend, his honor. He risked everything.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question, and early on I would have said something severe like castration.
Would it have stopped him? Probably, but he would have engaged in some other self destructive behavior.
The choice to engage in infidelity has more to do with the brokenness of the WS and them not having the tools to deal with it, or the ability to recognize it for what it is.

Many people here will tell you that their WS did other destructive things like drinking/gambling/compulsive shopping etc. These are all crappy ways to make them feel better, and worthy. Ultimately though none of those work. Neither does Infidelity. What works is doing the real hard work of fixing your shit.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8893 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
outtanowhere
♀ 39001
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First offense- remove the right testicle.....repeat offenders beware. I'm kind of a bitch where this is concerned.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 798 | Registered: Apr 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is absolutely no consequences for WS's cheating if you are reconciling, and even if divorcing, the consequences aren't always there.

What I feel you may be seeking, seethelight, is justice. The sooner one can accept and process that there is no justice to be had for a BS, the sooner you can get onto the next step of healing and processing. It took me awhile to get there. It takes some time to accept that concept. I don't know why I expected any "fairness" in infidelity. Most of life isn't fair, why would there be anyway that infidelity could be made fair?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10085 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
KatieG
♀ 41222
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't think anything would work for everyone. People commit some crimes where the consequence is death! The key is whether they get found out. They think they will "get away with it".

Some don't get found out and they may never understand the devastation it causes.

Actually, for those with remorseful WSs the consequence for the WS is positive. A better way of living, openness and peace. Difficult for us BSs I know, but I guess we learn through suffering.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 514 | Registered: Nov 2013
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snorting coffee out of my nose from the laugh that burst out of me when I read....

Short of me carrying his balls in my purse,

That's a picture!

Depending on the WS and circumstances, there may be no consequences at all.

But if the WS is, at heart, a person who feels shame and guilt and they find themselves living a life with a spouse whose given them the gift of R, a life that's, for them, open and loving and they're at peace with their demons, they will also live forever with the guilt and shame knowing the damage they wrought on the person they love more today because of that person's gracious gift of reconciliation and a second chance.

I have empathy for my husband..he carried the burdens from his FOO and now carries the burden he created himself through actions that were loathsome and totally immoral. And he has to live with that knowledge.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1759 | Registered: Mar 2010
TheBestMe
♀ 39476
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they will also live forever with the guilt and shame knowing the damage they wrought on the person they love more today because of that person's gracious gift of reconciliation and a second chance.

I have empathy for my husband..he carried the burdens from his FOO and now carries the burden he created himself through actions that were loathsome and totally immoral. And he has to live with that knowledge


^^^^ This.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 508 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Razor
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is absolutely no consequences for WS's cheating if you are reconciling, and even if divorcing, the consequences aren't always there.

What I feel you may be seeking, seethelight, is justice. The sooner one can accept and process that there is no justice to be had for a BS, the sooner you can get onto the next step of healing and processing. It took me awhile to get there. It takes some time to accept that concept. I don't know why I expected any "fairness" in infidelity. Most of life isn't fair, why would there be anyway that infidelity could be made fair?

I agree completely with SisterMilkShake. This life we live is a pretty hard place. Life is a bitch. Gravity is a myth because being on earth just sucks.

If M were an ACTUAL contract that included consequences for a breach. I still doubt WW would have paused more than a moment in her LTA.

Before her affair she had lots of inappropriate relationship with men she worked with. She would not have stopped those because in her mind those relationships were *innocent* and I was just being possessive and jealous.

She would not have stopped during her LTA because the thought she would not get caught.

NOTHING would have stopped her. And this fact also speaks to the point that there also was NOTHING I could have done to stop her from having her LTA.

But there is no actual M contract. Its all just fluffy words of no consequence.

There are consequences however. but most of these are borne by the BS. IMO what the WS must deal with is mostly trivial. Not going to places where the LTA happened. Loss of some privacy. and thats about it.

And what of the shame and guilt? I see no sign of it in my WW. She goes on her merry way and swears she NEVER thinks of OM or her LTA unless I bring it up. When I do bring it up she says she feels bad and she hurts too. but from what I see what she *endures* is less than nothing compared to what I go through each and every day.

There is no consequence and thats not fair. But it is what it is. This is life. This is MY life. and I accept that.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkshake and tushnurse got it right again.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
needfriendshere
♀ 43350
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Lots of good answers here. I love the cutting off of the right testicle and carrying the balls in the purse. Those would have been about the only consequences that would have PREVENTED my H from cheating with his former AP. But that is neither here nor there.

The only consequence I am now honestly asking (and praying) for is that he will feel such remorse for all of the pain he has caused me that he would or could never even think of cheating again.

Right now, he can't stand watching any movie that involves infidelity or listening to any songs about the topic (like Lips of an Angel). The guilt he feels is overwhelming. I hope he never stops feeling the guilt (not on a level of being in pain, but on a level where it will stop him in his tracks if the thought crosses his mind) - I know I will never completely get over the pain. Am I being selfish here???


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
RyeBread
♂ 37437
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the references to genital mutilation are a little much but I understand the hurt where those comments come from.

Maybe a fast-tracked divorce where the BS has complete say in what they want out of it. No lawyer back and forth negotiations, the BS takes what they want and the WS can keep whats left. That way the WS indeed looses everything. I mean, they wanted out anyway right?


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My spouse would not have cared if there were severe consequences. He is not capable of caring, nor is he capable of comprehending that he's done anything wrong.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10138 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
needfriendshere
♀ 43350
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ryebread, now that is thinking with a very clear head. Yes, that would be fair and right. Any way to get a bill passed that would give us those rights in a court of law?


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In imaginationland, infidelity would have the following consequences:

Fast divorce where WS gets NOTHING except half of the debt of the marriage. All assets remain with the BS

All love notes, texts, pictures, etc are made public. That's right - the entire world gets to read their mushy, lie-filled fantasy fog 12 year old dribble.

Finally - WS has to stay with AP. As we all know, they always affair down, and they pick people as low as they can find to 'play' with. So keep 'em! Stay with OM/OW. Have a greeeeeaaaaaat life together - LMFAO!!!

oh, if only imaginationland were real...


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
spond
♂ 41686
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just like LA44... SisterMilkshake and tushnurse hit the nail on the head.

I used to struggle with the fact that I felt that the WS was not punished someway or another. There was no justice for the crime that was committed towards our marriage. (once in a while that still comes across my mind)

But for those in R you can't bog your mind down with stuff like that.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 427 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lark
♀ 43773
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, just true empathy and realizing and feeling the pain of it.

That would've stopped him from doing it, definitely, and if he actually feels and experiences true empathy - it'll be with him the rest of his life. It may not be as brutal as a short-term physical pain or as practical as a financial pain - but in the end it'll actually get at the part of him that matters.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
RyeBread
♂ 37437
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any way to get a bill passed that would give us those rights in a court of law?

I wish!! but I am guessing a lot of the people who could pass that law would be afraid they'd loose everything I know, I shouldn't stereotype buy hey.

Finally - WS has to stay with AP

That would be perfect. Maybe a transfer of marriage or something? Oh man, I would love that. My WW's AP had a wife and another woman on the side. I'd like to see that cage match.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Chefj9
♀ 38604
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are consequences.... losing your family, money, reputation, respect, job, extended family and friends. Basically you put your entire life at risk when you choose infidelity.

IDK, maybe legal action, to actually prosecute someone, but what would the sentence be? If you put them in jail, they are then removed from you and your children. I"m not sure how that would help. Financial restitution? If that's what your after then you can get that possibly in a divorce.

There just really isn't anything that I feel is deemed fair.



ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Short of me carrying his balls in my purse

*searching through purse*
Lipstick...keys...husband's balls...oh there's my pen! To whom should I make out this check...?

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 12:15 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6737 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 98
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