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Newest Member: ConfidentJayne (61852)

User Topic: I have forgotten how to have fun.
♂ 38245
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I donít know if I slowly forgot throughout my marriage or just since the infidelity, separation and pending divorce. But, I no longer know how to have fun. I am no longer a generally happy person. I feel like I am becoming the type of person I donít care to be around. You know; the toxic person that is pessimistic, untrusting, and always worried about the future. The cartoon guy with the rain cloud always over his head, no matter where he goes.

Does anybody else feel this way?

Is it permanent or does it go away? Am I going to be a toxic person for the rest of my life?

Do you have to re-learn how to have fun, or does it just come back? Or is it gone forever?

I donít know. Maybe Iím just jaded now. But, i don't like who i am becoming.

Me: Creating a better life for myself
Her: Somebody else's problem
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 601 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 43919
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot how to have fun because anytime I acted goofy or tried to be silly and have fun with my ex, he would tell me that I am acting like a child, and would look at me like I was crazy. So I wasn't "allowed" to have fun, because that made me irresponsible. For NYE, we went to a friends how, and he was drinking. I told him I want to drink too, and if I did, then I wasn't driving home with kids and that we would just crash there. He got angry when he realized I was serious, and demanded that I drive us home, even though I was tipsy. I refused and had to have my friend drive us home (I wasn't wasted, I had like 2 beers). To him, me having fun= me being irresponsible, even though I had confirmed with friend that there was plenty of room for us to spend the night.

Not anymore. I refuse to let him do this to me. I will learn to have fun again, and you will too!!!

BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Your sense of joy and laughter and happiness really will return. Once you're ready, you can start to nurture it and seek it out; for now, I know it's scary to feel like you're no longer yourself, and to worry you may never get the old you back, but trust that this too shall pass.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 43871
Member # 43871
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, I was making my way home from work today and was thinking the same thing about myself.

What lead me this thought was thinking about one day meeting someone new and I thought but I don't have that 'thing' that might even attract someone ergo, I'm not fun. I also feel jaded by my how my life has turned out. I am not by nature pessimistic but I am empty.

I have no idea who I am.

BP(me) 53
WP (scumbag) 55
On-off for 32 years
Too many D Days to count. Same with OW.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you get lots of answers. I need to know this too.

Sometimes I just feel,too tired to bother being happy and that it is easier to just be alone because then you don't have to put on the happy face.

You are not alone in this feeling.

Hugs and strength to get happy

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.

Posts: 3268 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I practice mindfulness.
I don't know if that leads to remembering how to have fun...I'm not really a fun person. But it does lead to me being happy and enjoying the moment, wherever that moment happens to find me.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
♂ 41920
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like this. It was well before the WW's A's that started in December. Probably been getting gradually worse for a while.

Not sure if it was her, me or us together but somehow forgot to have fun. Just started worrying about supporting the kids and dealing with the job and lost sight of the bigger picture. The exception has been sports and a few computer projects I've done just for myself.

My flat mood and the time that my diversions took up are some of the excuses she used to justify her A, which pisses me off of course.

The best revenge is living well, which to me means remembering how to chill out and have fun.

XBH 50, 2DS
M 20 years
Now remarried to a faithful wife

Posts: 1579 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just beginning to have fun again, to laugh without fear, to be me without fear of punishment.

stbxwh used to get angry when I laughed, I love to laugh, I love the absurdity of our humanity, we should all be able to laugh at ourselves, we are hilarious, when we have a heart that is.

I am just becoming me again. It is not consistent yet, that will take time and practice. My situation may be different from yours, I was abused, controlled, just beat up emotionally.

I am playing music again, without criticism, I can paint again without having him try to control it, I can just be me. I can talk to anyone I want now. I can talk to the old lady in line at the grocery store, I can talk to the young man with the baby, I can talk to a neighbor, I can, no more accusations of infidelity or inappropriate behavior.

I am free to be myself again, it took me two years from dday #1, it took a 2nd dday, it took screaming my pain out until I could not speak but now I see how small I was living, because of his control. Now as much as it hurts that the life I wanted did not happen, now I get the chance to build a life that allows me to just be natural as I am.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3337 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hugs)) to all who are struggling with this.

I think finding happiness and fun in life again requires a combination of things. One is simply time, that dreaded four letter word. Someone said they felt tired. It takes a certain amount of time, rest, and mental healing before you can find the energy to do more than just get through the day. We've all been there.

Another part is making a choice, "mindfulness" as tesla put it. You have to decide this is what you want. HAVE fun. BE happy. These are active verbs and that means they require action and intention from you in order to happen.

The last piece for me was anger over the wasted time. Life is so very short. How many precious days, weeks, months did I spend being sad and hurt etc because of XWH? He TOOK those days from me. But he's gone now and my life is my own. My ability to be happy and enjoy it is 100% up to me. If I continue to be hurt and sad, I am giving up more days, more weeks, more months. Just giving them to XWH, and he isn't even asking me for them, he's long gone with OW! When I realized that, I got angry, and that sort of set me free to start enjoying things again.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords

Posts: 1857 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
♀ 41692
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it took awhile. At first it was the shock, trauma, and intense pain. Then it was the shame and the secrecy. Finally I started to move forward but I still felt like I had to force myself to do things with friends. I felt like I was faking it, and like I just wanted to sit at home with my thoughts most of the time. After a few months of this I finally decided that it could be more than just normal grief and reaction and I went to my doctor and started an SSRI. I am a normally happy person, very optimistic, outgoing, and bubbly. I realized I hadn't been myself in almost a year and that was too long. I wasn't sure what to expect but I can tell you that the lowest dose made a noticeable difference and when I increased to a medium dose a few weeks ago it really changed things for me. I recently went on a vacation with my family and I would have dreaded it and felt like I was just getting through a few months ago. This time I was able to relax, have fun, and be myself. It feels awesome. I wish I had tried this sooner...I think I was in denial about how bad it really was. I don't think I'll need this forever but it definitely has made a difference for me. Just something to's called "anhedonia" and basically it means that you don't take pleasure in the things you used to enjoy. It's more subtle for me than depressed mood, which is why it took me longer to admit it. This may not be your situation at all but I thought I would share just in case it gets you thinking.

"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 211 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It felt like being married to xh was like have my soul sucked out. I couldn't be myself, I couldn't joke around, because god forbid I say something about his precious jobs. Yes I have forgotten how to let go and just have fun without thinking I am being judged.

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you remember things you used to enjoy? Try bringing back an activity that you may have lost over the years.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14452 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 43304
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course those of us who are still in the acute phase of experiencing betrayal crisis and divorce find that this whole thing takes away from our ability to enjoy life. I think a lot of our time at this stage is spent crying and mourning, and worrying, and getting angry that there simply is not enough time left to have fun.

I feel like that too from time to time. I remember when it was a breathtaking perfect day here in hawaii and i remembered feeling like i'm not a part of that day. Like I cannot enjoy the beauty I used to enjoy.

But for me, slowly came short little moments like when I play with the baby, play squirt gun with my daughter, hike, garden, hang out with friends, when I am aware that I am enjoying myself very much, and even though I'm still suffering very much, I am thankful just for that moment. I think we have to be open and receptive to these moments, and maybe these moments will become longer and come more frequently.

Our WSs took so much away from us. We all have lost so much already. You are entitled to fun, to happiness, DON'T let your WS take this away from you. Your life did not start with your WS, and it's not going to end without WS!!!!

Posts: 358 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro I was so far gone I couldn't have fun. I tried and tried but nothing was fun anymore, even stuff I used to love to do. I was clinically depressed, just didn't know it at the time. Went into IC and got on some meds and things slowly turned around. After a year or so I was able to drop the meds and enjoy life again. It was during that time that I literally had to reprogram myself to live happily again. I had spent so many years living in misery with my XWW I simply could not appreciate that life had so much to offer. Recovery from such traumatic events such as infidelity take time. Depression, PTSD, Anxiety are just some of the residual maladies that result from it. Hang in there bro there is hope. You just have to do the work to be happy once again.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 6:00 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♀ 30349
Member # 30349
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the above posters that it takes time, and that you should try to reconnect with something you used to love to do. For me, that was art, so I went to NY to visit the art galleries and museums. I'm getting back into drawing and painting. I make it a family event by involving my son. I also read up on art events, theory and history. Give yourself time, and make a plan for what you want to do.

[This message edited by What2Do76 at 3:41 PM, August 1st (Friday)]

D-Day 11/20/10
Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life

Posts: 384 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ontario
♂ 41988
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I thought having fun my way was 9ne of the reasons my XW had her A. I thought I wasn't good enough for her if I had my fun. I thought it made me "Unattractive".

I finally said to myself "Fuck that." And started to have fun the way I used to.

Ever since then, my family and friends said I was back to being the old original "me".

Result? I became very attractive again. I'm dating a wonderful woman now who loves the way I have fun. I'm now happy all around and willing to contribute to this forum with my knowledge and experience.

[This message edited by Jduff at 9:49 PM, August 1st (Friday)]

Dday in 2012
D final 2014
M to better woman in 2016 and still living my NB.

Posts: 1994 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southwest
♂ 38245
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback and advice.

I do practice mindfulness. it's what got me through the initial pain and trauma, and actually get some sleep. I do know that when i'm experiencing some anxiety, being present in the moment helps. I need to be more regular with it.

I did try the SSRI's for a month or so. i didn't really notice much of a difference. I know this sort of sounds weird, but i felt like i really needed to work through the grief and experience the pain of it all.

I'm just tired of having to deal with it all; the attorneys, the HR people, the realtor, contractors, bursar, etc. My divorce was supposed to be done on July 11th, but it's still not. Now i'm hearing it may take up to a month for my benefits administrator to pre-approve the QDRO. it's been nearly 23 months since dday, and nearly 16 months since i filed.

STBX hasn't had to do anything. While i'm spending my savings, evenings and weekends getting my house ready to sell, she's running off to Chicago with the kids on vacation or spending her evenings at her friends' bar.

I"m pissed off that she cheated on me. i'm pissed off that i learned of another friend today who suspected she was cheating but didn't say anything (didn't want to get involved).

i've got to rediscover the old me. quit being stressed out about things i have no control over, things not getting done, or get some help getting them done.

Me: Creating a better life for myself
Her: Somebody else's problem
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 601 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 31765
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, KeepOn,

I hear you. This is such a process. Time it takes is similar but different for everyone.

Remember, it takes time. You registered in January? Try to be patient. I don't think you can force or hurry the healing. They say here 2-5 years. Ugh.

Being surrounded by memories after DD, then triggers that pop up frequently more or less stir up the whole deal again.

I had almost completely weaned myself off a med. for panic attacks when I jfo, and it had not been easy, so I did not go back on a med. and went without during the roughest time.

I still am having to relearn how to have fun.

It will come in short spurts, then you'll notice more. Then more. Try laughing at yourself sometimes, laugh when you can. I usually do not watch serious or violent TV or movies anymore. Love comedy, tho.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:11 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)]

Posts: 882 | Registered: Apr 2011
♀ 42707
Member # 42707
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know all too well how you feel. I've started to realize how bad the marriage was even before the infidelity. I lost myself in trying to keep the toxic relationship intact. In losing myself (or at least large pieces of myself), I also forgot (or generally considered having fun not a priority) to have fun.

Just over the past couple of weeks have I started to have fun and begin to generally feel better. I think this is largely due to the healing process, which for me has included counseling, group counseling, antidepressants, and lost of wine. I had to travel a couple of weeks ago for work to NYC. I had my evenings free and I gave myself permission (and really forced myself) to go out and experience the city. When I got back, I realized that I had fun and enjoyed the trip. That little taste of fun has done a lot to help restore me and remind me that I can have fun on my own.

<<Hugs>> It will get better.

Me - BS; 36
Him - WH; 35
Married - 16 years
2 Kids - Ages 3 and 6
DDay - 2/26/14

Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 19

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