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This was asked by my BW this morning. I have some thoughts.

Part of it was the fantasy that was built up about it.

Part of it was that it boosted my self esteem. However it was vicious circle because I was always angry at myself and the world after.

I'm trying to get to the whys so I don't do this again.

I keep asking myself that question too. I think for me part of it is in the fact I was just being completely selfish and not thinking about the rest of my life, I was literally only thinking of myself in that moment. It felt good at the time (the rush, the excitement, the good compliments, the self esteem boost, etc). Then when it was done is when reality hit and the regretful/bad feelings finally kicked in. I doubt that helps other than to say you're not the only one asking that question.

how I explained it to my BS

1. Do something that I regret
2. Feel bad about it
3. Try to do something surface level to make me feel better instantly
4. Feel worse about myself afterward
5. Repeat

For me this started out long before my A
drinking, drugs, bad parent, bad husband, etc.

Then this grows the more you go against your inner self, the bigger the hole get in your bucket. the more you need to fill it. Until it becomes an all out kibble feeding frenzy. And you surround yourself with nothing but those who give you kibbles. and your BS does not give you kibbles because they can see right through your facade. And you are not doing anything substantial to deserve real compliments. Eventually the cycle gets weighted so badly, that you do not want to do the hard work for true self-appreciation and grow your self worth. so you add more kibble givers.

I encourage you to look around at who you hung out with befriended etc. I found that I had some friends that I kept around just to point at and say "At least I am not that bad" kibbles just for being around them. You might be surprised with yourself.

After Dday, I went no contact with almost all of my old circle of friends.

I had been hanging out with solid friends before but they were slowly ejected as I got deeper into things like drinking.

After Dday I renewed friendships with those that I had ejected, these are solid guys who are friends of the marriage.

There are still two people I maintain a sort of close friendship via email. Both of them had told me to stop what I was doing and work on my relationship. I contact them infrequently and they are pulling for my wife and I to work it out.

But yeah... about 3 years ago I swapped out my circle of friends with those who helped enable my drinking and drug use.

I wasn't a huge drug user, I smoked a bowl once with one of the guys, but after DDay I texted him that I was having issues at home and was off Facebook etc and that I had things to work on.

My conscience wasn't totally asleep. I knew it was wrong, and I had whispers in my head alerting me to the danger I was heading into. I also had a feeling that I was going to be severely punished for what I was doing.

But, that wasn't enough to stop me. As wrong as I knew it was and as wrong as it sometimes felt, the powerful feelings of euphoria were just too much. It really is like being drugs. Logic and reason and right and wrong meant nothing.

I clearly recall thinking to myself: I know there will be hell to pay, but I'll worry about it tomorrow. If only I had really stopped to consider what hell was like and, more importantly, who I was sending to hell.