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somethingremorse posted 7/31/2014 11:05 AM

The first of two family weddings this month is tomorrow evening. With all sincerity, any good vibes my way are appreciated.

We haven't been able to talk to BIL and AP. I offered to talk with the other BIL and SIL (the ones in the middle). They said we didn't need to talk about anything. The inlaws are not talking people, period.

I have spent a good bit of time with the other BIL & SIL and the inlaws. They mostly act like nothing has happened.

My plans are to not drink, and be ready to retreat if BW is uncomfortable. I am not going to approach BIL & AP. I am going to try to avoid them if they approach me. I will hold BW's hand and be supportive. I will try not to attract any attention to myself at all. I will try to not cast a shadow over anyone's enjoyment of the wedding.

BW told both of her aunts to not seat us with BIL and AP. If someone asks, I am going to shrug and say it's "just one of those things." This family has enough experience with one person not talking to another that I hope it just passes.

I think I need to be, I don't know the right word, but "somber" is the one that comes to mind. I don't want any of BWs family who knows to think that I am treating the wedding like nothing happened. I don't want my FIL to look at me and think that nothing has changed. I know that is going to happen anyway, but I want to do as much as I can to relieve my inlaws.

I hope that BW and BIL can at least look at each other. They have not seen each other since Christmas, which was less than 2 months after DDay. I think BW is willing to talk, but I am pretty sure BIL wants me to get hit by a truck.

Any other practical tips are much appreciated. Saying "don't go" isn't helpful.

The bottom line is that if this evening can come and go, and nothing bad happens, it will be a relief. For the record, we scheduled a MC session on Tuesday.

DrJekyll posted 7/31/2014 11:37 AM

Here is what comes to mind.

Why are you going? It sounds to me that you are going because your BW wants you to go with her.

If that is the case, than she should have all of your focus. The whole time. reassuring and comforting her. Not withdrawing but staying open to her. Not getting lost in the reception talking to "so and so" Keeping your full attention on her and her mood, her emotions, just plain her!!! If you can see her triggering or struggling ask her if she wants to step away and talk. Or if she wants to leave. Be considerate in thinking about her the whole time.

This could be tough, you may be triggering also, processing your own feelings. Feeling guarded or out of place. And the reality you may be. But you are not there for them. You are there for your BS, because she wants you there. And she is what matters. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Wishing you the best of luck!! Stay strong DON"T DRINK!!!! you are doing great. stay strong FOR HER!!

Aubrie posted 7/31/2014 17:54 PM

Oh gag. Nightmare situation. First of all, I wouldn't be going. Sorry. Couldn't resist. Totally understand how some things are pretty much unavoidable and you *have* to do it.

Be prepared for triggers and icky feelings from her AND yourself. I think a lot of times we prepare for our BS to spiral, then we're blindsided when our own negative emotions slap us around.

Have an escape plan if she needs space. Hold her hand. Assure her. Turn towards one another in this. Comfort her. Communicate with her. And let her do the same. However she feels, whatever she says. Listen to her.

Best of luck.

3kids30years posted 7/31/2014 19:34 PM

First post in Wayward - so bear with me.

WH and I went to Wedding last weekend - trigger city. The vows were so hard to listen to.

WH did nothing, just sat there. Made it worse. Made me think the vows/our vows meant nothing to him. It was terrible.

When you go - and I understand you have to - hold her hand, put your arm around her, be there for her, a squeeze of her hand would be nice, let her know that you are there with HER.

Be with her all day/night. By her side supporting her. Her family will probably take their cues from you. You need to be there with HER - supporting and committed. Always next to her, if that is what she wants. What ever she thinks she needs/wants. And be aware it might change during the event. And stay away from AP. Even if you have to get up and move, or seem rude. NO WHERE NEAR!
Not sure I could have handled that. The wedding was though enough without his AP being there.

Good luck!

SorryInSac posted 7/31/2014 20:01 PM

Everyone that has answered here has said it all. Great advice. You have to be there, it is for her.

steppingup posted 7/31/2014 20:08 PM

Seem you have a good sence for what to do, avoid issues and give your BS as much attention as she wants. Additionally, I might add this. Find out what she your BS will be wearing to the wedding, then go out and buy her a necklace or bracelet that woudl go perfectly with it.

Just before you leave, surprise her with it, professinally wrapped, ribbons and all...

Will take some of the "venom" out of the evening and she will get compliments all night long. Everytime she gets a compliment, you get credit/takes focus away from the problems created in the past.

Also add a nice note inside, ahem..."there is nothing more special in my life than my time with you"

[This message edited by steppingup at 8:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

somethingremorse posted 8/2/2014 08:02 AM

Well, we made it. Actually, no real issues. BIL and AP stayed on one end of the barn, BW and I stayed on the other (note: barns are the hot wedding spot where I live).

There was no interaction at all between us and them. But both couples seemed to interact with the rest of the family pretty normally. BIL and AP danced with the young people. BW and I sat and talked with the (rest of) the older folks. Completely normal.

I didn't touch a drink. Was right beside BW all the time. Timed trips to buffet to avoid BIL and AP. BW seemed OK all night. I was all triggers. The groom has a checkered past, and the extended family has doubts about him. In my mind, I was thinking you never know. A guy can seem wonderful on the outside and still do horrible things.

I guess we proved that the four of us can exist on a barn surrounded by 150 people. Baby steps.

Aubrie posted 8/2/2014 09:53 AM

Yay! You made it!

You proved to yourself that you could make it and that you could handle a stressful situation. Bravo.