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Can I Trust Again

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blackluca posted 7/31/2014 11:06 AM

In the past year my daughter and I had to move back home to help take care of my parents, but my husband had to stay in the City (other state) because of his job. We made sure he had a great place to live, close to work, etc. It's been a year and he fly's home every other weekend. We talk as much as possible, I even ventured to do long distance sex play to keep that on track as much as possible. Before we did this move my husband had his concerns about being alone so much. He was afraid of being alone. But we said it would have to be discussed by both if we were to be allowed to have a more open marriage. I trusted he would do that. In February I learned he had a companion as he called it. He swore they were not having sex. I believed him, well maybe more wanted to believe him. But over the past couple of months I noticed he has been spending a lot more money and was curious, and then about a month ago I saw a text on his phone which revealed his relationship was maybe a little more and that he was giving her money and made a sexual comment. I confronted him and he said it's no big deal it's just the way we chat that's it. I told him she needs to be gone and he agreed. Well two nights ago I for some reason remembering seeing this name from one of his emails and I was curious so I just went to see if I could look this person up on Facebook. This young women did come up and so I just took a look at her profile pictures and then one stood out. It was a selfie she took of herself in the master bath of the condo my husband lives in. I freaked. I called him and told him what I knew and to tell me the truth that they had been having sex - he did confess. He said it started out as just someone to hang with and did't know how it turned to sex. He said sex was never the reason - he was just lonely and she was someone to hang with. I told him he was supposed to have come to me before we allowed this and he said it happened and he couldn't come to me - he didn't want to hurt me. I told him the lying is even more hurtful and that all lies wil eventually come out. I've never felt so betrayed. We've been together for 23 years and I told him I never thought he would be so deceitful and hurt me like this. He has expressed deep regret and said he doesn't know how it turned to sex. I asked if he was still going to end it even before I found out about the sex and he said he had been ending it but of course him telling her I found out who she was she was not wanting anymore of it either. We both currently have appts with therapists and he said he will do whatever it takes to make me feel better and make him feel better so he's doesn't feel so alone when he's away for work. Maybe what I'm asking of him is too much - maybe we should have an open marriage. I know I don't want anyone else sexually but I also have my family around me. He feels I left him and took his daughter away from him. I've asked him to find a job here but he's worked so hard to be where he's at that its tough. Im hoping therapy will help us. But I guess I want to know am I stupid to try and work this out? I can't imagine my life without him and we always said no matter what may happen in the interim we will always grow old together. I told him its going to take a lot of hard work and is he in it or will I just being do this alone and he said he will do whatever he needs to do. Do I believe him? Will it ever feel less painful? It's all still fresh and I hope therapy will help.

lovesobroken posted 7/31/2014 11:13 AM

Gently, it seems like your marriage didn't have boundaries to begin with since you were considering an open marriage and were okay with him having a companion. Is she a coworker or a paid for person? I don't think anyone likes to be alone, but its not a reason to have an affair. If he felt abandoned, he should have told you so. Clearly he's not as lonely as you were at this point. So don't excuse his behavior on those grounds. How long do you think you will be living separately?

blackluca posted 7/31/2014 11:24 AM

Thanks for you words. Maybe we didn't have strong enough boundaries. I guess I felt bad leaving that I was maybe open to the possibility of the discussion of an open marriage but I think my feelings on that have changed. It could be years that we live apart and he knew that and it made him very depressed. I had earlier suggested therapy and he didn't know if he believed in it. The person he met at a bar. He told me she was an EA working just outside the city. I thought well if they were only doing occasional dinners what's the harm. That's how naive I am.

tushnurse posted 7/31/2014 12:45 PM

Nope Not going to blame this on the thoughts of having an open marriage at one point.
Your H chose to do this, and chose to not tell you. Open marriages work because there is an open line of communication, and the other spouse is aware of what their partner is doing, and is communicated, and verified that all parties are ok with it. Anything less than that is cheating, and that is very different.

Do NOT allow yourself to take any of the blame for this. That will only put you at a disadvantage, and allow him to hurt you again and again.

What he did is wrong. If he was lonely he should have joined a bowling league, or softball team, not found some other woman to bang.

Can you work it out and heal your M? I don't know, what I do know is that there has to be complete and total honesty and he has to do some work to figure out why he has crappy boundaries, and fix that. Is it worth saving? Only you can answer that.

I do think you need to be brutally honest with yourself, and figure out why you would want to save your M, and what you feel would be the deal breakers.

I tell all new BS's that join that they need to do some very concrete things.
1. See an attorney, find out your rights, and empower yourself with knowledge.
2. Get a full STD panel. He has a relationship with a woman you don't know. He can promise he used protection, as they all do, but most likely hasn't, you know he lies, so don't believe him. Do NOT have unprotected sex with him until he is done with her, and proves he is clean.
3. Focus on the basics right now, make sure you eat, sleep, and do one nice thing for yourself every day. If you can't eat or sleep, then talk to your Dr about it. Starvation and sleep deprivation make us mentally dull, unable to control our emotions, and make bad decisions. Nothing wrong with a little pharmaceutical help to get through this already harrowing time for you, taking care of aging parents.

Do NOT own one bit guilt or doubt over this. He chose to do this, he made a decision to deceive you. That is all on him. All you asked for was honesty and he couldn't man up an do that. That was his choice.

Keep reading, keep posting.

(((and strength))))

healingroad posted 7/31/2014 13:08 PM

One of the clearest messages I learned in the last 7 months (being 100% clueless about infidelity before) is that when one partner floats the idea of an open marriage and there hasn't been any context for that before it means:

I'm having an affair or I want to, and I want to feel better about it. I haven't really considered that means you get to have sex outside the marriage also. Also I have no idea that open marriages require a lot more trust than we have between us now. I'm only thinking of myself here.

blackluca posted 7/31/2014 16:59 PM

Thank you everyone. Your words are helpful and giving me strength. I need to keep strength for my daughter. She's what matters most.

amanda123 posted 8/1/2014 08:36 AM

Hello Blackluca, Im sorry but I think you left the door wide open for even discussing an open marriage. If you had told your H there is NO WAY on God's earth you would consider such a thing then he would have known how you felt about it. However if you sound all wishy washy about it, he then thinks that you were warming to the idea. Opportunity knocked, and he was probably thinking what she doesnt know wont hurt her. That doesnt excuse him for not sticking to your agreement. I read that you would both need to discuss it before any decisions were made about it, but obviously he didnt, perhaps he got too lonely. He did the wrong thing. He cheated on you.
Because you are in different states it will be hard for you to trust him since he has lied on several occasions and you have caught him out. I really believe that you need to be together so that you can be a couple and a family and work on your relationship.
I dont know what is happening with your parents, I believe that you should help when you can but not at the cost of your marriage. Evaluate what you want, whether it is to stay married and be together or if you want to stay separated. If you want to stay in the M and for some reason you absolutely have to stay with your parents then you need to make arrangements to be with your H on weekends, one weekend he could come to you and the next weekend you could go to him, and be together on the holidays or vacations just so he isnt lonely and that you have that connection.

Delilah169 posted 8/1/2014 11:01 AM

Welcome blackluca, I'm so sorry you have found yourself here, but you will get lots of good advice and encouragement.

One of the things you said really hit me "Maybe we should have an open marriage".

YOU don't want to be with anyone else that way, and you are obviously hurt and upset that he was. That is not a person who wants an open marriage. Do not let him guilt you into something you don't want because of your circumstances. He has many options to not be alone besides having an affair.

I also agree - if he brings up an open marriage, he is basically asking permission to have an affair, or justify one he has already started. There's no other reason for him to want one.

My husband asked me once if I wanted to go to a "swingers party". Apparently, that was his way of telling me he was considering an affair. I should have been able to read his mind, and know that's what he really meant. With hindsight, and after lots of pain and heartache, I realize now I should have seen that statement for what it was.

Again, do NOT let him convince you to do something you don't want to do. And gently, be prepared for more; they never tell the whole truth in the early days.

Hugs to you and good luck.

blackluca posted 8/1/2014 12:09 PM

Gosh thanks everyone for the support. You are right - i probably couldn't handle an open marriage the way Ive been since Ive learned this. And there has to be other options in the City to help him spend his time. Well to update we both have appts to see therapists next week. He has said he's very sorry and wants to find out how he can help stop my pain and how to move forward never doing this again but also what he can do to not feel alone. Maybe I will need to do more visits to see him rather than him coming here. I have family who can take care of my daughter so that may be a good option. He has been willing and already getting STD tests which I insisted on and he hasn't hesitated even though he said he was safe, I told him he had to so he has. So I feel positive that he is sorry and loves his family and is willing to what is needed at this point. And of course I'm going to be cautious and not be fooled anymore. Is there anyone out there that has had positive marriage results after infidelity? The Huffington Post has numerous articles that has shown an affair can actually strengthen a marriage. Below is a link to one particular discussion.

healingroad posted 8/1/2014 14:41 PM

I hate those "the marriage can be better after an affair" articles. They seem to just feed the cake eating mentality and minimize the distress that BS's are subjected to.

confused615 posted 8/1/2014 15:18 PM

That the two of you discussed the possibility of having an open marriage doesn't mean this is your any way. Sorry, going to have to disagree with everyone who said this opened the door for him.

You had a talk..and during this conversation it was made clear..and agreed upon..that IF either of you wanted to open your marriage, then the two of you would discuss it first. He broke that agreement. You didn't give permission.

There are a few members here who were in an open marriage..and they were betrayed. Betrayal isn't always about fucking someone else. It's about being lied's about breaking trust.

This is NOT your fault.

NOW..he feels sorry for himself? Because you were caring for your dying mother? Tell him to grow the fuck up. He had other choices. he chose the most destructive choice.

How is he showing you he wants to R?

blackluca posted 8/1/2014 15:45 PM

Thanks everyone and confused 615. Is says you are happily reconciled - is the accurate? You are happy again? He said he spends his nights crying and never ever wanted to hurt me. He said he would do whatever I need from him. He said he's more concerned about me and what he can do to help me right now. Without asking he got a hold of a certified therapist and said he wants to speak to a professional and find out how or what he needs to do for me to make it better for me. He then wants help so he doesn't do this again. He checks in with me throughout the day and if i text him or need to talk to him he gets back to me right away. He said his main goal now is to make me happy. Whatever decision I decide. I am also going to see a professional next week to help me work through the pain. And give me ideas on what we need to do to keep our connection alive and help each other when not together. He also already got an HIV test (clean) and is willing to do whatever other tests I want him to take. Unfortunately its the trust thing that is going to be the hardest and he knows it. I feel I sit here wondering well what is he doing now? Is he at work or is he out with friends...I feel like I want a GPS on him. I feel crazy thinking like this. He said he will do what he has to in order to get my trust back. I should probably add that our marriage wasn't in the best spot before we moved away and I feel like since this has happened he is finally listening to me and discussing things he never did before when things were bad. Each day it gets better and I'm working on getting any images out of my head. That's the hardest. He says he still loves me and this had nothing to do about not wanting to be married to me. And even though I am super pissed and sometimes so enraged I want to scream and yell at him - I still love him and want to make our marriage work.

confused615 posted 8/1/2014 15:55 PM

Yes, we have R'd...and yes, we are happy. blissfully so, most days. But not every day. I still cry now and then. But I am happy. It has been 4 years since my dday. It has been a long,hard, painful journey. But we've made it.

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. And that is with an honest, remorseful WS.

He needs to be tested for all STD' do you. And you get the results from the doctor, not him.

He needs to be completely have full access to all of his accounts and his phone..passwords included.

He needs to be accountable for his time away from you. Get the GPS. You are not have been betrayed and you need to feel safe.

He needs to answer all of your questions, for as long as you need to ask them. This could take years, because new questions will occur at random times. I just asked a few last week.

His main goal should not be to make you happy. it should be to fix himself. He needs to figure out why he did this. Not because he was lonely or angry..those are surface reasons. He needs to work with IC to find his "why."

Who is OW? Does she have a husband?

He needs to write a NC email to OW, and you send it. Then he needs to block her from being able to contact him. If he talked to her on Facebook, then it's bye bye Facebook.

He needs to be proactive in helping you heal, in healing himself, and in healing the marriage. You shouldn't have to tell him every little thing..he needs to figure it out.

Would he sign up here on SI?

Are you living together now? he needs to fin d a job where you are and live together..or this will take a very long time to heal..if ever.

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