Thanks, all, for your insightful replies.
Crushed1, I have tried to determine if "narcissist" is a category my WS fits into, and I don't think that's the case. He can absolutely be passive aggressive, but so can I, so I don't hold that against him as much as the outright selfishness and thoughtlessness he's shown.
What he is is a messed-up little boy still (at 40+ yrs old) who has read a few things here and there which tell WSs that "you have to forgive yourself and heal yourself". Well, he's done the first part, but I have a feeling if he'd done even half of what the second part of that says, he actually WOULDN'T be able to forgive himself... not yet, anyway. Or at least would still be feeling SOME shame. Don't get me wrong - I don't want him to suffer forever and WALLOW in the misery of knowing he deeply hurt his family, but come on! At least he could SAY (lie?) he still feels shame! That might be one lie I could be okay with.
Oh, to put this burden down the way HE has been able to do! If there was one thing I could make true of infidelity, it would be that these WSs could feel equally the pain that we feel. I've never felt anything so painful (though I'm sure there are worse things in the world), and the lack of empathy so many WSs demonstrate would be a thing of the past.
I also cannot stand when he says "I only neglected to tell you about that/ erased it/ lied because I didn't want it to hurt you."
Do WSs EVER GET IT that it's the LIES which destroy us?
The sex with others, the shared words and feelings and time, the obvious excitement they had in their lives while we sat by cluelessly - these only account for about 10% of our pain (or mine, anyway). The rest is THE DISHONESTY. 90% of my pain is the memories of him looking into my face and LYING.
Dishonesty seems to be part of his lexicon at this point. He doesn't know HOW to be 100% honest. I blame that partially on his LENGTHY time of using it to keep getting his ego kibbles, but I also have to blame his FOO issues.
And THAT'S why we're still here. He isn't trying to heal, he's only trying to get past it and hopes it gets buried - just like he's done with his FOO issues.