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Talk me down?

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Jls0320 posted 7/31/2014 11:54 AM

I'm so full of rage right now, H broke NC with his EAP and has been visiting her at work, they work for same company. I know for a fact he's lying to his boss about his whereabouts when he goes there, boss is also a personal friend of ours and knows about the issues this woman has brought on. I am so fighting the urge to tell boss man and bust them both, but I don't need him fired since I need child support. He would most likely be reprimanded and the gps on his work vehicle more closely monitored during his work day. My head says STOP, my heart says he needs consequences. Talk me down?

deena posted 7/31/2014 12:03 PM

I feel that telling his boss would only come back to hurt you!

Who needs the punishment is your WH.

I don't know your whole story and can talk to you more about it after I have. Just
Wanted to give my opinion on this first

deena posted 7/31/2014 12:15 PM

I have read your profile and it says you are trying to reconcile.
He needs a sharp kick in the butt.
If it works for you he needs to go. He will just keep pushing his luck as long as he gets away with it
A lawyer can draw up what you are entitled to. He moves out and you work on your healing.
This is the ideal way to get his great out of his a$$ and wake up then you can decide if he deserves to come back.

Now this may show him he can't push you around but only you can decide if it is the right way to go.
If he has been diagnosed as a SA then he should be still seeing an IC to be able to work thru it successfully. His Counselor is the one that should be told of his slips.......and you go NC with him fast.


suckstobeme posted 7/31/2014 12:22 PM

I'm sorry you're upset.

I don't know your story, but it looks like you're separated. Was he promising to work on the M during the separation? Very gently, if you are separated and he's done nothing to show that he's remorseful and wants to fight for the marriage, then his behavior is not shocking. If there has been no work toward R but you were tracking him, stop doing that for your own health and healing.

On the other hand, if he was promising to try to R and promised NC and all the rest, then obviously, you have a perfect right to be fuming right now.

There are 2 issues that pop up as a result of his breach of NC with the OW - #1, what are the consequences that he will experience from you? And #2, what are the consequences that he will experience from work?

My exwh had an A and is still with the pig who was hired to be his very own secretary. Talk about a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. At the time that I found out, I never made a point to call the HR department or any of the senior partners to specifically "out" their affair. My feeling was that I didn't want him fired because I wanted him to have an income and pay me child support. I also wasn't going to give those two numb nuts anything to bond over - these idiots bond over the crazy wife yelling and screaming and making public scenes over their "luuuuvvve" I wasn't going to give them that. I wanted the natural consequences to take over and, if you read my latest post in D/S, you will see that karma hit them both hard in that office after the whole thing exploded.

Besides, I also figured that most people in the office already knew. They were there every day watching them laugh and take their lunches together and leave the office together. I was most likely the very last person to know, so me blowing the lid off of the whole thing would, in reality, be more like blowing a tiny popcorn fart.

At this point, focus on yourself and how you are going to handle this latest infraction. If it's with a D, get your ducks in a row, call an attorney, and go NC with him.

I know how you feel though - it enrages you and you feel like there is no where to turn. Come here and we will listen.

Jls0320 posted 7/31/2014 12:35 PM

We've been separated for 2 wks now and I have filed for divorce since I discovered NC was broken, that was my deal breaker. We were trying to R, well I was but he stopped a few months ago. So we are now done! I'm just so struggling with telling his boss and getting OW and him talked to, he's in the fog again and losing his family has had zero impact on him, I know that it affecting his job would get him though

suckstobeme posted 7/31/2014 12:55 PM

I guess the question then becomes, what do you want to get out of "getting him"? My fear is that you want someone in the office to talk to him and tell him he's an asshole because then it may make him sit up and say, "You know, you're right! Thank you for setting me straight. I'm going home where I belong!"

That's unfortunately not going to happen. These unremorseful waywards who find it necessary to continue to lie and carry on with the AP, they are never going to do what someone else tells them to. They are as stubborn as they come. They are not going to let the spouse or anyone else tell them who he can and cannot associate with. They will throw a giant temper tantrum to whomever has the nerve to try to tell them what to do.

My exwh went to see my IC once. He had moved out but was still on the fence about D. It was before I knew about the A, but my IC picked up on the signs right away. She sat alone with him and told him that she sees people throw their lives away for an AP every single day and how that impacts the rest of their existence. She told him that if he continued down this road, he would have pain that would be more intense than he would ever know. She also told him that his pain would last forever, while mine would one day disappear. He never admitted his A to her, but he sat there and after all of that; after all of her showing him true life examples and statistics and telling him how it will impact our children even into their adult lives - his only response to her was this, "Nah."

It's a natural reaction to want to have a family member or a close friend of the wayward try to smack some sense into them. It's natural to want to circle the wagons and do something ... anything to make them finally see.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The fog and the wayward mind is very powerful. If he one day starts to see how bad and destructive this choice was - he will have to see that all on his own.

For now, I know it's painful and horrible and I know it sucks 1,000 times worse when you know people from their office. I've been through that. I decided long ago though that, as long as they were both still there, I had to cut all ties to that office. I had to do that for my own emotional well being. I didn't want to hear anything about them. Otherwise, I was just shopping for more pain.

Focus on yourself right now and what you need to do to keep the ball rolling on the D. Take care of your kids and try your best to process all of this one hour at a time.

cvs2kkids posted 7/31/2014 13:05 PM

So sorry JL,

If you're done, then stop giving him any head space.

At this point, its up to you to go NC or minimal contact. It's hard, but you need to learn to not to care. It can be done.

I once scrutinized STBXWW phone bills, email accts, etc, even after she left. Since then I fight the urge to peak, abd realize I am so better off

Even worse, asked her to change passwords, but she said that was fine, she trusts me.

Reality, she's so computer illiterate she doesn't want to bother.

Absolutely nothing for me to gain at this point. There will NEVER be an answer that makes you feel good. Nothing will be gained. As much as possible, remove them from your life!!!

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 1:06 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

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