"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Holly-Isis posted 7/31/2014 12:08 PM

So I was typing a reply to another post and this is what came out. I truly feel that had I not been blocked from assuring that xOw2 faced SOME repurcussions for the A, my healing might have been a little easier. Besides the whole limbo issue.

Here's the post, I decided not to t/j the other thread.

I was just imagining this morning about blowing up xOw2's world by finally outing the A. She's D and was legally S by the time the PA started. Since MrH could've been....

DAMN

Another lie.

As I was typing that out I realized I was lied to back then. He told me that as a Federal employee her job was safe but as a contractor his wasn't. So I didn't tell her (then) STBXBH. My kids needed MrH's paycheck.

But within the past year he went through his background investigation and in the triggers from that I learned that they had both revealed the A to the investigators at the time.

Good thing I have an IC appt. in less than an hour.

I don't know whether to cry or scream.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/31/2014 12:11 PM

(((Holly))) I am sorry, Holly. I don't know what to say about this. Why do they want to continue to lie and deceive when it doesn't even matter any longer?

Holly-Isis posted 7/31/2014 12:17 PM

This was after he ended the A but obviously still in CYA mode.

My guess is if I bring it up he'll have forgotten or tell me some excuse that will make it sound plausible. I'm not that woman anymore though, eager to excuse things away.

Holly-Isis posted 8/1/2014 09:39 AM

So I found myself getting ready to fall int old/new habits of burying the issue. New because I used to be an open book to MrH then have t bury things when he didn't respond in ways I hoped or needed. So lately I just don't say anything, share any of myself.

Instead, I'm going to say something but to alleviate putting myself out there I'm going to make a bet with myself. Maybe a point system.

If he "forgot" he told me he'd be fired...50 points.
If he gives a plausible excuse for telling me he'd be fired...25 points.
If he gives a worthy excuse....10 points.

Maybe have a small reward system for myself based on the points.

If he fesses up to being a selfish asshole even if it was back then, maybe reward him. Take him out to lunch or buy him a small gift.

I dunno, I think it's a pretty safe bet though.

It hurt though. That realization that when he was supposed to tell me everything, he pulled a big CYA. He also didn't tell me that his background investigation had happened during the A. I had to find out out with the most recent BG investigation when I asked if they asked about the A. There was just something that twisted my gut to learn that they discussed the A and what to say to the BG guy.
That yet again, some BG investigator knew more about my M than I did. Because the one just after the 1A knew about the PA when I thought it was an EA. Now I remember him probing about me being sure it was just a flirtation gone too far. Wonder if he was trying to clue me in?

Maybe if I had and questioned further instead of trusting my cheating husband, I wouldn't be here today.

LostAngry posted 8/1/2014 10:03 AM

If he fesses up to being a selfish asshole even if it was back then, maybe reward him. Take him out to lunch or buy him a small gift.

May I caution you against this part? If he fesses up you should thank him and tell him you appreciate his honesty and let him know those moments are the ones that build toward R. A gift or date for doing what he SHOULD do feels like co-dependency on your part.

If you asked your child a question or to do a chore that is part of being a supportive part of your family, would you buy them a video game for acting like a normal person? Rewards are great when a person goes above and beyond, but when given for what should be normal behavior, it makes the wayward believe they have done something really wonderful and not simply been a decent human being.

Holly-Isis posted 8/1/2014 18:38 PM

Good point.

Would it be too childish to write down my prediction of his response and reveal it like a magician if I'm right?

Trying to joke here because when I think of this, I bounce between angry and so hurt. And I've worked so hard not to allow myself to get hurt by his foolishness.

I went through mental gymnastics to convince myself not to tell the XBH.

-They were S before the PA, headed for D (evidenced by online court docs I found).
- Evidenced by his FB page he seemed to be moving on well and dating.
- telling him meant my kids' livelihoods were at risk.

Without the second, the first two didn't really matter. I should've told him- would've told him. Had I been given the TRUTH. He'd have an answer about the end of the M...even if it was an exit A for xOw2. I'd have some comfort knowing she didn't skip away from the A unscathed.

She actually said in an email that he was the only innocent person in all his. That HIS one mistake was loving her while my mistake was forcing a man who didn't love me to stay M to me. Yes, I ended up protecting a bitch who would say something like that by not telling her (then)STBXBH.

Ashland13 posted 8/1/2014 18:50 PM

I'm really sorry, Holly.

It's sooooo frustrating, on top of all the rest, to still be connecting the dots later on...I'm doing the same thing. It doesn't even matter any more in day to day life, but in order for me to put it all away from my brain, I need answers still.

For about a year Perv got away with lying, omission or running from having to answer and I don't know, to this day, if some things are true or not. ETA I think I would already be divorced and on my way emotionally had I been given the gift of truth from the start.

He let Ow do it.

And, fwiw, I asked him to his face one day, "why lie to me when we're getting divorced and you don't live here anyway?"

He said...Perv's words..."It becomes a way of life for some of us. And it's a challenge." He said, "I started with a small lie to you about where I was going, got away with it and dared myself repeatedly to do it again. Ow lies to everyone, we do it together now."

I hope your IC apt was helpful and you are able to sort things out.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 6:50 PM, August 1st (Friday)]