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norabird posted 7/31/2014 14:14 PM

I should finally be moving into a new permanent place next week, fingers crossed (I'm very lucky that my parents decided to buy a place in Brooklyn for me after DDay). I left behind my old mattress when I moved in with exWBF in 2013; then when I put my things into storage, I let exWBF convince me to leave the spare bedroom mattress behind for our erstwhile roommate.

Now it's time for me to get a new mattress for myself, and...I am tempted to email my exWBF to ask him to pay for it. I did mention this when things ended months ago. (I have his CC info). I'm on a tight budget, have to buy a bunch of furniture, and not having to take care of this expense would be helpful, plus, it's not *my* fault I'm bed-less! But contact with him is probably better avoided. I'm stuck on what is fair and easier for me versus the pride of not wanting to ask for a favor/engage at all. Plus, my parents have indicated they might give me some money for furniture purchases. And I *do* have the money for a mattress--just it limits my budget. I'm also trying to pay off some credit card debt.

I think the wise thing is to just accept that I need to foot the bill for a new bed--why would I want *his* money tainting the thing I'm going to sleep on every night afterall? But I need a nudge to fully accept this route.

2x4s invited.

cmego posted 7/31/2014 14:49 PM

Be thankful that the cost of a mattress gives you a whole new life on the horizon. Let go of the mattress and him.

NO CONTACT. He doesn't deserve your emotions.

If you dig around, you'll probably figure out at some level you want him to know you are moving on...just let the thought go and find a comfy mattress that is all yours.

Crescita posted 7/31/2014 14:53 PM

it's not *my* fault I'm bed-less!

2x4. Yes it is. You chose to leave it behind because it wasn't worth the hassle in dealing with your ex. That still stands.

Order a cheap mattress off Amazon, and enjoy your independence.

norabird posted 7/31/2014 15:10 PM

2x4. Yes it is. You chose to leave it behind because it wasn't worth the hassle in dealing with your ex. That still stands.

Thanks y'all. I needed that! I know my motives for getting in touch about this aren't actually about logistics--$250 or so in the grand scheme of things isn't much--and is more about still being attached. FTN!

I'll get my own bed and probably sleep better because of it.

gypsybird87 posted 7/31/2014 18:39 PM

I'll get my own bed and probably sleep better because of it.

^^^ Exactly this. As we were splitting up, XWH bought me a new toaster (dumb story, whatever )... Anyway, it's cute, bright metallic purple, exactly the kind of toaster I would have chosen for myself. But to this day, every time I use it, EVERY time, the fact that *he* bought it for me (as he was packing up to move in with OW no less) niggles at the back of my mind. I adore this toaster, but I came THISCLOSE to getting rid of it at my garage sale when I moved. I still might, who knows.

You don't want to be laying down with those ghosts every night, norabird. Get the new mattress on your own. You will definitely feel better about it.

cmego posted 7/31/2014 20:46 PM

OMG...my ex did the same thing. He kept the tools, and I said something about it. So, he went out and bought me this PINK tool set. Well, if you know me...I'm not a "pink" kinda girl.

I use them because, well, they are just tools and were "free", but every time I use them I

Pink. That man was with me for 17 years and still didn't damn know to not buy me pink anything...

norabird posted 7/31/2014 21:30 PM

Now if only they sold pink or purple mattresses I would be set!

gypsybird87 posted 7/31/2014 23:39 PM

@cmego,

Wth with the tools?! I had a basic assortment of around-the-house tools when we got together. Of course they all got mixed together and when XWH left he took them all. I said I wanted mine back. Rather than sort through the old stuff, XWH bought me a set of brand new hand tools (home depot orange, not pink) AND a handy dandy tool tote to put them all in. He put all the screwdrivers, sockets, level, etc in the little pouches and brought it over with the TAG still on the tote, in case I somehow missed the fact that it was new.

Like you, I use them... but like my toaster, they bug the crap out of me. His actions hadnothing to do with concern for me, and everything to do with HIS guilt. Sometimes I wish I would have refused it, and the toaster, rather than do anything to help him feel better.

Bluebird26 posted 8/1/2014 03:46 AM

I just brought myself a new bed. Lucky me I got the marital bed It's taken me just over 3 years to save to buy myself a new one, there was always something else that was needing to be purchased. So glad I got rid the old bad juju now. Best night sleep I have had in a long time too.

Do yourself a favour and get yourself one on your own. Trust me it is worth the wait. If you can't afford one right now, see if a friend has a spare one they might be able to lend you or sleep on the sofa.

Last thing you want is to be in bed with your x again, even if he was willing to pay for it

EvenKeel posted 8/1/2014 06:55 AM

It helps me to view any situation like this as making a deal with the devil.

Meaning - I know even if my ex would do something for me or the kids; it will come around to haunt us. The price of whatever that 'haunting' would be is way higher than a mattress (or whatever).

So my motto is always "I'd rather sleep on the floor (or whatever the item is)....then to ask him for help".

I understand you need a good bit of furniture but just pick the necessities first and add as you go. My cousin walked away from her M with just her clothes (cause it was worth the cost/lost not to deal with him). She spent a year with just a rocking chair in her living room.

Figure out the "must haves", then figure out the "would love to have but will not die without them" items and list them out.

Take that "must haves" list and decide what things must be new (mattress) and what things you could possibly make due with second-hand items. IE need a lamp for your bedroom....but you could dress up a GoodWill one with a new shade versus pay store prices for a brand-new one.

You will get there and there will be great comfort in doing it your way.

I just brought myself a new bed. Lucky me I got the marital bed

Blue - this was me. After four years I just got a new bed. It was on my list every year at tax return time but I needed other things. Luckily ( ) I discovered mold in my bed's inner lining and HAD to get one NOW.

Yeah mold......new bed for me.
[insert image of me jumping up and down on my bed]

Edited for public service notice...Folks-If you have any sort of air mattress system....PLEASE keep checking the inner workings for signs of mold. Apparently this is a known issue (just not to me) and can sometimes develop.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 6:59 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

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