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new. limbo 7 years

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shewassocold posted 7/31/2014 15:47 PM

hello. i'mm new but my dday was 7 years ago. sorry in advance for the long post. i have no one else to talk to.

i had an 6 month affair with a co-worker. my wife found out through emails. when she confronted me i immediately confessed and asked for a second chance. she laughed and said she wanted a divorce. she kicked me out and we were separated for a year. i immediately went NC with OW and started to go to IC. i beg her to go to MC but she refused. i read so many books on infidelity. i begged her to take me back so we can work on the marriage. after a year she let me move back in but in separate rooms.

It's been horrible since i moved back 6 years ago. i can't kiss her, touch her, hug her. she gets pissed if i even look at her. we haven't had sex since dday 7 years ago. i cry every night, i love her so much but i disgust her. she says just looking at me makes her want to throw up in her mouth. that makes me so sad. i feel so worthless and ugly. my wife is very beautiful and always gets hit on by men. she even flirts with them even though i told her it upsets me greatly.

she makes me feel like the most worthless piece of shit ever. all i want is for her to love me again. but she says she will never. she says that if i dropped dead right in front of her she would step over me and bring a date to my funeral. i crying just typing that. after that i tried to take my life. i threaten her that i would and she laughed and said i was a "pussy ass bitch" and i wouldn't do it. so i did but our son found me and took me to the hospital. when we were in the hospital she said that i wasn't good at anything, that i couldn't even kill myself properly.

she has also had 2 affairs after mine. she wanted an open marriage since i was the only one she had been with prior to my affair but i refused so every time i catch she uses that as an excuse. she says she only stayed with me for the kids and because i make money. that i'm a terrible husband and lover and that all her OM are better than me.she says that she will stop talking to OM2 but they keep breaking NC. it's been a month since the last NC break but thats only because i followed her to his house with a baseball bat and threatened to kill him which i know was wrong.

3 weeks ago i was diagnosed with prostate cancer. at first my wife didn't really care but said she would take care of me even though i didn't deserve it. we were talking about the treatments and how scared i was and she said she hated when good people got cancer, then joked around and said "well, good thing you're not a good person then" then laughed. i starting crying. i was tried of treating me like this. but she surprised me by hugging me and saying that she was sorry which never says. she let me cry as she held me. i looked at her and took a chance and kissed her. we ended up making love. ever since she has been really sweet but every time i want to talk about hr affair gets irritated and says she's sorry and just wants to take things on day at a time and be happy.

i don't really know what to do. should i just forgive her and forget about it and be happy like she wants? i don't want her going back to being cold. i'm finally getting my wife back. help please. thank you for taking the time to read this.

rsf2013 posted 7/31/2014 16:21 PM

Wow. I'm sorry for all you've been through. It sounds like you handled it well when you were caught. It's hard to fully come clean- took me 15 months.

I'm not confident that I have the answers for you. It sounds like you were punished for a really long time, and it sounds like there were different expectations for making amends between your affairs and hers. I would examine a lot of that with an IC if you haven't done it with the person you were seeing. Sometimes we need someone else to observe what we're doing and guide us. Just try to do it with someone with experience or training for affairs. I have gotten bad advice from people who aren't as knowledgeable as they would like to think (hence waiting 15 months to come clean). Good luck. Hugs.

[This message edited by rsf2013 at 4:21 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

FrmrBH80124 posted 7/31/2014 16:27 PM

Is this really the life you want to lead? Are you happy? You sure don't sound like you are!!! Your marriage is broken and has been for 7 years. No one has healed. Why are you still here? I know you love your wife but 7 years of limbo and her now having an open marriage with no consequences from you? I don't mean to be harsh but dude, man up!!!!!

You are rugsweeping her affairs just as she rugswept your affair 7 years ago. This is NOT acceptable. You both need to face what you've done and either work to rebuild the marriage or get out. You both need counseling and then at some point marriage counseling to help you both heal and build a better relationship if that is possible.

Again I ask...why are you still in this toxic relationship?

Others who are far more versed in these situations will be along to provide you with additional insight. I wanted you to know that you've been heard.


Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/31/2014 17:48 PM

Again I ask...why are you still in this toxic relationship?

Why are you choosing to live this way? You do not have a marriage. Sounds like you are not even friends and don't even like each other's company.

This treatment only stops when you say it stops.

Unagie posted 7/31/2014 18:36 PM

I am so sorry dear god I wanted to cry reading your post. I want to say right now do not focus on the A's please focus on getting well, you need all your strength. Your wife has her own issues she is refusing to own that allow her to be capable of treating you this way and thats hers to own. You need to get well, once youre okay decide what you truly want.

LosferWords posted 7/31/2014 18:56 PM

Hello, and welcome to SI, shewassocold.

I am so very sorry to hear about all of the circumstances that bring you here today, but I think you'll find a lot of support and advice here.

I agree with Unagie that your health should be your first priority. Absolutely focus on that above all else.

Another important thing to remember is that you have every right to create your own boundaries as well. I consider many of the things that you listed in your original post to be abuse on behalf of your wife. Mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. One boundary you can create is zero tolerance for any type of abusive behavior. Nobody should have to tolerate that.

As far as moving on and just being happy with things, that is what is often referred to here as "rug sweeping". No matter how much you try to sweep things under the rug, it will still be under there in your living space, causing you to trip over it every day. The only way truly out of this stuff is to work through it.

It sounds to me like your wife is using your affair as a justification for her affairs. There is no justification for her affairs. She made conscious choices to make poor, hurtful, and destructive decisions. She needs to take ownership of her own actions.

You have every hope of healing your heart and mind from this affair. It can be done, and I'd encourage you to focus on that healing. Unfortunately one person cannot heal a marriage. That takes two people. You can work on your side of the house, though. Letting go of the outcome of the marriage and healing yourself for the sake of healing yourself is winning combination for starting your trek down the healing road.

Take some time to read here. The Healing Library in the upper left is a great start. There is also an "ICR", or "I Can Relate" section of the web site, and one of the threads is for "Madhatters" (those of us who have both been wayward and betrayed in our current relationship, and yes, I'm one of them). Continue to read and post here in the Wayward forum as well, as a lot of "heavy lifting" gets done here.

Hang in there and keep talking to us. We're here to help and support.

Sending strength and healing thoughts in your direction.

shewassocold posted 7/31/2014 19:26 PM

thank you al1 for your kind words. it really means a lot.

frmr and lucky- i guess i still here because i keep hoping that things can get better.

unagie- i didn't want to make anyone cry lol. sorry about that. and thank you for sending your strength i'll need it.

losferwords- thank you i never really thought of it as abuse because she never hits me but now i see that it is. thank you for taking the time out to write all information. will definitely check all that out.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/1/2014 07:01 AM

frmr and lucky- i guess i still here because i keep hoping that things can get better.

Gently, it's been 7 years of hell. When do you stop hoping and start doing - for you?

Look I'm a BS and my WS had to put up with some of my shit in the early days. But 7 years out? Time to turn the page.

You will never finish the book if you continue to read the same chapter over and over.

This quote has helped me turn the page in many aspects of my life. Try it. What you have been doing hasn't been working very well, right?

What2Do76 posted 8/1/2014 22:32 PM

I am sorry you have cancer. I really feel bad for you. Please don't stay with your wife. Stop punishing yourself. You made a mistake, and you clearly put effort into learning from it. But you need to move on just as much as your wife does. Staying together is making it worse for both of you. Again, I'm sorry it took an event like cancer to make you reach out to others about your life. Please keep posting here and take care.

TheWorstCase posted 8/1/2014 23:34 PM

shewassocold -

I think the best thing to do, as others have said, is to stay healthy, surround yourself with healthy people for you, and stick up for yourself in as calm and reasonable of a manner as you can muster. She has been reacting to you for 7 years instead of working on acceptance and forgiveness. Have you forgiven yourself? If not, maybe it is time. I know it will be hard to be alone when you are sick right now, but remember, you are NOT alone, and once you can hear your inner voice again away from the hurtful relationship, you will realize that life can go on. You tried to be positive and make the relationship work, so you know, deep down, that you made that choice to do good.

I hope you feel the love from this forum, because there are good people here and we will be there for you if you make the first step to be there for yourself.

FixYou71 posted 8/2/2014 02:18 AM

Dear God. You are being emotionally and verbally abused in a horrible way. I truly feel for you.
The problem with the type of abuse you are suffering is that the longer you hear that kind of verbal venom the more you lose yourself and the more you begin to believe it's true.

You say you love your wife and keep waiting and hoping and that is why you stay. The other posters are right. Your wife rugswept your A 7 years ago, meaning, she did not deal with it. She did not go through the process for herself to work on healing from your betrayal or for your M to find healing. While it is admirable that you went to IC, read, did immediate NC etc. that cannot carry the entire marriage. It sounds as if, based on your post, she had no intention of trying to ever work through the aftermath but made a choice to use you for your paycheck and 'for the children'.

Let me ask you, does your wife treat you this way in front of the kids? I find it very hard to believe that in all these years they have not heard any of her abuse toward you. What affect do you think that has and will have on them? If your son or daughter were in your shoes what advice would you give them? Also, as parents our first choice is to be able to demonstrate a healthy relationship to our children; a foundation for them of sorts to learn how to be in a relationship of their own one day. If that is not possible and the opposite is happening your children are now learning how to be dysfunctional. I am quite sure that is not your motivation for staying but should be a consideration when you have a hard time having the backbone to consider yourself.

Having cancer can be a wake up call for you. (Btw, my dad also had PC and recovered from that cancer relatively quickly...just as a bit of encouragement) You now realize life is fragile. You need to decide what you want the rest of yours to look like. It is never too late to work on healing your emotional wounds. It is not too late to lay out your wants and needs to your wife. It is not unreasonable to expect some progress after 7 years. It is not unreasonable to want to heal your M. It IS unreasonable to continue to live with abuse after all this time with no evidence that your wife is, or ever intends to, work on your M or take responsibility for her As. You say you love her. If you met her all over again and she was this way from the start would you have wanted her? Is it possible that you love the woman you thought she was or the woman she used to be?

Please take care of yourself. Please consider that you do not deserve this horrible treatment. 7 years of abuse is 7 years to long. Love yourself enough to say no more.

Stillstings posted 8/2/2014 11:06 AM

You are being abused by a very cruel person. You need to get out. Dump her, move out, and get help for yourself. Wayward or not, I'd worry about your safety.

Wayward or not, you do NOT deserve this. Mocking you because your attempt at suicide failed? Sick. Absolutely sick and disgusting.

You are worth more than this.

TheWorstCase posted 8/5/2014 08:01 AM

shewassocold - How are you doing this week? Any updates? Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and sending healthy/happy thoughts your way!

RMarred posted 8/5/2014 08:18 AM

I read your post and all the responses...

I send you good vibes and positivity, SWSC.

TheBestMe posted 8/5/2014 09:07 AM


My H and I received his prostate cancer diagnosis the same day that his AP called me. Stress can bring on or make diseases worse.

It is imperative that you educate yourself on your disease and plan your mode of attack. That may include cleaning up your diet, your environment and your relationships, in addition to exploring your healthcare needs. Also contact a US TOO support group. They can provide much needed support at this very stressful time.

All the best to you.

DrJekyll posted 8/5/2014 09:18 AM

to make sure I am reading this correctly

dday 7 years ago
separation 1 year
living together 6years
during which time you receive verbal and emotional abuse
she will not have any sexual relations with you, but has no problem fulfilling those needs elsewhere
you tell her about cancer, and she makes a joke out of it.

sounds to me like a loving relationship. somebody to grow old with. To me it sounds like your penance has been paid. start with D filing, save yourself. what are you going to do as you get older? she actually made a joke about you getting cancer.

healingjourney posted 8/5/2014 09:53 AM


OMG this is monstrous. I was the betrayed partner in previous relationships and I would never dream of doing this to someone. Agree with Dr Jekyll--I think you have done your penance.

MissesJai posted 8/5/2014 13:47 PM

You are being abused by a very cruel person. You need to get out. Dump her, move out, and get help for yourself. Wayward or not, I'd worry about your safety.

Wayward or not, you do NOT deserve this. Mocking you because your attempt at suicide failed? Sick. Absolutely sick and disgusting.

You are worth more than this.


holy shit. I've seen cruel at the hands of a BS, but this is some bull fucking shit. This isn't cruel - this is sinister and evil. It's time to go. She's getting super high off of punishing you. She will never, ever stop. It's her drug and you are her dealer. Time to cut her off.

Stillstings posted 8/5/2014 23:06 PM

OP are you doing okay? Your posts deeply concern me and others for many reasons.

If you're seeking cancer treatment, please do NOT allow her to have any say in your plan or to be alone with you. I honestly would be afraid of what might happen if you were in a physically weakened or vulnerable state. Especially if treatment will cut into your money earning which you mentioned is one of the reasons why she stays.

She has already shown no regard for neither or emotional nor physical well-being. She can't be trusted, no matter how many rare "I'm sorries" or tears she spills.

SparrowSoul posted 8/6/2014 08:38 AM


It sounds to me like you really do need to get out of what is very clearly a toxic environment, in every sense of the word. This diagnosis could serve as a wake-up call-- You've got to prioritize yourself, because she is never going to. Don't be too quick to assign any weight or merit to the fact that you two managed some intimate contact recently, as odds are good that it only occurred because emotions are running high and/or because it suited her self-serving desires.

I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through and are going through-- But it's time to make a change and start taking care of yourself. You deserve so much better than this.

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