"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

FeelingSoMuch posted 7/31/2014 16:04 PM

We sign the separation agreement tomorrow and WW moves out Saturday.

That means I move into this forum in two days :-)

We were together for 13 years and dating has changed so much. WTF is Tinder? I actually had to look it up.

Quick question for the group? How do you date again? :-)

I feel ready given that the length of time it took us to get to the separation.

I'm 37, reluctant to get attached too quickly, and really sure of what I want in a partner. Online dating? Bars? What do people do nowadays?

norabird posted 7/31/2014 16:35 PM

Welcome!

The usual rite of passage is: join NB, be told you aren't ready to date yet. You are still living with your WW, and D isn't final yet--so don't throw yourself into dating as a distraction. Really moved on people will avoid someone who is in your shoes. Is there a mandatory S period in your state? Because right now...you are still married. I know that din't stop your WW--but you aren't even calling her STBXWW! So there may be a lot of work for you to do before you actually become available for someone new. Knowing what you want in a partner and being *ready* for what you need are two different things.

Ramping up slowly and carefully is probably the best way to avoid both hurting others and yourself.

Meetup groups are a good way of flexing the conversational, meeting new people muscles if you're feeling like your social group could use a tune-up. It's a healthy distraction and always could lead to something more, but at least it will give you practice at being in a new situation with strangers.

ETA: I saw in your profile that she started another A very recently. I'm sorry. As much as that may mean you are well and truly done, you are still, I would say, too close to the trauma of this ending to be a good match for someone else. You know best, but have you done IC? Have you mourned the M? It sucks that we sometimes aren't ready to get started on a new relationship right away...but there are always lots of other NB opportunities unrelated to romance.

[This message edited by norabird at 4:37 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

Amazonia posted 7/31/2014 19:48 PM

Really? Tinder is where you want to start?

Brandon808 posted 7/31/2014 20:59 PM

Online dating? Bars? What do people do nowadays?

Yeah, I haven't figured that one out yet so I'm just not worrying about dating.

I'm not trying to date.
I'm not trying to avoid dating.
I'm just not dating.

I recommend you do the same for a little while. You may feel ready given the length of time it took to get to the separation but feeling ready and being ready are not necessarily the same thing. You need to get comfortable with being on your own first imho.

better4me posted 7/31/2014 22:37 PM

First WELCOME to New Beginnings FeelingSoMuch! Remember, that NBs are often NOT dating new beginnings. There are other new and exciting beginnings awaiting you. Do things for yourself that you haven't done for awhile. Take a beer tasting or wine tasting class. Learn a foreign language and use your passport. Join a meetup.com group. Run a 5K. There are so many ways to celebrate your new beginning and new freedom and new life.

You've been given some good advice already and, like many of us here in NB, you may decide not to follow it. Many of us here didn't follow the "usual" advice, thinking our situation was "different" and that we were "healed" and ready to "move on" and the other NBers, while well intended didn't really understand "our situation" and all sorts of other words I could put in quotation marks. Turns out there is much wisdom here, if you choose to use it.

And whether or not you choose to follow this advice you are always welcome to post, absorb more wisdom, live and learn and give advice and feedback to the others who come this way and who may or may not want to listen.

Glad you're here!

FaithFool posted 8/1/2014 06:51 AM

Hey, FSM, welcome!

Jumping in here to say whoa, not so fast. People who are dating here have developed very tough skins. There is so much trouble you can get into out there without spending some time *just being you* for a good long while.

What's the rush?

Take some time to rediscover who you are without a partner. The rewards can be huge.

And yes, I'd recommend waiting at least until the ink is dry on your divorce papers.

But hey, you are a big boy and if you want to dive in and get involved with someone before you're ready, that's totally up to you.

We will be here when you hit the bumps in the road.

PS: Stay far, far away from Tinder. Tinder is for horny kids.

FeelingSoMuch posted 8/6/2014 16:57 PM

Hello, I'm officially here. Yes, once I looked up Tinder I figured out really quickly it's not for me :-)

I actually did have a date shortly after xWW moved out. I hated it. The woman was wonderful and like many of you pointed out, it's too soon. How is that for validation?

I'm sad about the breakup and excited about the new beginning. I continue to be in IC and already am part of a running group.

I'm just seeing my friends more and told the poor woman I went out on a date with that I'm not ready yet.

Plus, there's a date and then there's a date. I'm open to getting to know people *slowly* before making any moves that could be seen as permanent.

Life is not bad. I'm feeling positive. xWW's second A was just validation that I should leave, it didn't hurt as much as the first, just made me want to leave.

WeepingBuddhist posted 8/7/2014 07:44 AM

Welcome, FSM! I would suggest that you try something you've never done before or that you put aside while you were in your relationship. Claim something or reclaim something. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself and be ok with how you feel when you find some new level of suck or grief. That isn't an absolute, but I think that most people are still on a roller coaster for a while.

Is your divorce final? when you say xWW, it sounds like you've legally ended your marriage? STBX may be the best acronym for you for a while.

norabird posted 8/7/2014 08:49 AM

You sound like you're in a great place. NB's can start out as bittersweet but they become fully sweet with time, I think.