SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

jiang posted 7/31/2014 16:36 PM

Ever since my wife revealed her affair five weeks ago, I've been sexually obsessed with her. While we've had some intense mutual sexual touching, there's been only a couple of instances of intercourse in this period.

I can't understand why I crave this physical contact and why I'm having these intense sexual thoughts about her. Perhaps I'm emotionally needy and need affirmation that she desires me again, or perhaps I'd rather imagine me making love to her than the OM.

Other theories? Anyone else go through this?

steadfast1973 posted 7/31/2014 16:41 PM

A lot of us do. We call it hysterical bonding, or HB, for short. It is normal... Regardless of how crazy it makes us feel. It's basically trying to reclaim the marriage through physical contact.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/31/2014 16:43 PM

What steadfast1973 said. It is crazy and wonderful and intense. My FWH and I were doing it at least 3 times a day all over the house. We are older and it nearly killed FWH as we were having HB sex for a couple of months like this.

It is really normal. I feel it us (BS's) reclaiming what is ours and trying to get the connection back with our WS.

peaceBmine posted 7/31/2014 17:04 PM

Completely normal, but quite a strange feeling. However, we were very thankful for HB as this made getting over the physical obstacles of betrayal quite a bit easier than I expected.

Rebreather posted 7/31/2014 17:44 PM

It's a nicer version of peeing on them to mark your territory.

Not everyone goes through it though. Some are too repulsed to even consider it.

Alex CR posted 7/31/2014 17:54 PM

yup....HB alumni here. It was intense and went on for months. I never felt like I was marking my territory, but instead felt more like it was a way to reconnect. During the A our sex life had dwindled and my first love language is touch...sooo

I did, however, mark my territory by going to places with my H that he went with OW ....that definitely was claiming ownership and nicely peeing on their memories......

million tears posted 7/31/2014 17:57 PM

I didn't have HB but have seen a lot of other people say they did. He made me want to puke.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/31/2014 18:00 PM

million tears, I understand that, too. I feel only because the affair had ended 6 years prior and he hadn't recently fucked someone else that I was able to have HB. If he had just recently ended the affair, like on d-day, I feel I would have been repulsed, too.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/1/2014 00:14 AM

We also had HB, but, like Sister milkshake, my WS's A occurred 26 years ago & I only found out about it 11 months ago. So, our sex life was already great before Dday. I also wondered what was going on & if there was something wrong with me until I found this site, read about it & realized it was normal. Lately though I've had a little harder time (just sometimes) when WS & I make love. Such as the mind movies & more emotional. However, in the long run I think it was best it happened. I think had we taken a break from it after Dday, we would have had an even harder time with R. Because believe me, I have still had all the horrible emotions, been mean & ugly to him & had some pretty bad meltdowns & depression (which I've dealt with for years anyway). I hope this has helped you to better understand the feelings you are having. Blessings on your own R. ☺

takingitdaybyday posted 8/1/2014 00:39 AM

Definitely thought I was weird too then I found this forum.. HB was a way for me and my WH to connect again and I felt weird wanting it because the books I read discussed how hard it may be to make love again.. I didn't experience that and felt like perhaps something was wrong with me. Then I read it on here and understand the reason behind it.
I must admit I cried though after.. just so many emotions rushing through me and thinking of him with the OW was tough. Every time got easier and I guess proved to both of us that what we had was worth fighting for.

BtraydWife posted 8/1/2014 00:52 AM

I'm the BS and it happened to me too. I can recall the moment it started too.

I was finally able to drag myself into the shower a week past dday to chisel the dried layers of tears, snot, and sweat off of me. When I came out I sat on the bed in a towel because I felt light headed and weak. He came into the bedroom and I just had this feeling come over me that he should be servicing me sexually. It took off from there.

It was terribly confusing for a while. It made me feel wonderful and horrible all at the same time.

Enjoy it while it lasts. It's nothing negative on you. I felt like it was very primal.

OK now posted 8/1/2014 06:34 AM

I don't think HB is harmless fun, its very destructive and undermines reconciliation. It removes the focus from the enormity of the crime perpetrated against the marriage and the painful task of rebuilding. Intense sex virtually forgives and rewards the WS for their shameful betrayal.

Your wife can hardly believe her luck. In her eyes she has been forgiven and given the green light to rugsweep. She can use sex to alleviate her guilt and she really must regard you as pathetic. Why not cheat again in the future; after all she knows exactly what to do to gain your forgiveness. Her dominance is complete; your sexual needs give her the power she never knew she had. You are rewarding her for her cheating.

Alex CR posted 8/1/2014 08:10 AM

Enjoy it while it lasts. It's nothing negative on you. I felt like it was very primal.

I think it is kind of primal...and I don't think it's a negative on the BS.

The HB between WS and I after Dday was just that...bonding. I needed that to help survive the rest of the shit I was going through and dealing with...we weren't making love though...I was clear on that. We were having sex.

There are so many emotions and chaos going on when you've been betrayed and we are all so different how we respond, what's important and how we heal.

Do what's right for you....and only you. In the end that's all that counts. If you want your wife, be with your wife. Time will tell whether she is remorseful and willing to do the work necessary, but it takes time. They refer to it as a roller coaster here at SI and it is ....the ups and downs are overwhelming.

R is not easy and not for everyone, but if that's what you both want and you are both willing to work for it and she is willing to give 200%....you might make it and it is worth it.

2married2quit posted 8/1/2014 08:14 AM

IDK, but I'll share with you my case. We did HB big time! But after 2 years, I feel like I can't satisfy her. I'm not enough anymore because why was there an OM?

At the same time I need her sexually to connect, to sooth, to feel loved. I don't obsess over her sexually like I used to, but we do have more sex than before. I do feel like I physically want her now. Like this very fleshly desire for her. Before it was different. Maybe I see her more like a sexual being now instead of just my wife. idk.