In fact, after WH stripper episode, he helped me with some errands and did not EVER say ONE word against WH or ask any questions or take advantage of the situation even though I know he was pissed at WH for hurting me. I needed help because I was lying on the floor heartbroken and bawling most days, could barely function, this friend was not the only one helping me, I had a couple of other friends also who were there for me.
I know WH feels threatened by this, that in spite of my introverted and codependent and wishy washy weaknesses, I DO have a small but solid network of people who will be there for me when I call. And this guy he feels threatened of for that, first because it's a male, second because he's solid when it comes to his loyalty to me as a friend without ever interfering or even questioning my relationship with WH. WH has never even taken the time to actually meet him!! We've been together about 5 yrs, and almost immediately WH decided he didn't like him I think because he heard good things about him from other people and immediately got jealous. So, fine, my marriage comes first, whatever....
But last night my blood was boiling. WH was going on and on about what a "loser" friend is and he was mocking him and saying that there are rumors he's a drug addict, etc. All bullshit! He was really trying to goad me to defend my friend, I think, so then I guess he could argue about it. I stayed calm and refused to acknowledge his rant.
Then he even said he saw him yesterday by accident and was making fun of him saying he "wasn't impressed" that he had heard friend was a big guy (he is, he's exactly the same size as WH tall and big) but when he saw him he was a small weakling (or something to that effect), so that told me WH was lying about seeing him finally.
Just going on and on like this, I really don't know where it came from, other than I start feeling like WH would rather I feel isolated, especially from males. It really pissed me off but I really didn't know what to say. I felt like if I defended friend it would be an argument and result in WH mocking ME for having such a "loser" friend.
I don't know, anyone else have a WH do this?? It pissed me off to no end, but I said NOTHING. Eventually, WH wasn't getting a response from me so he shut up on it.
I don't get it, but it's not fair. And I felt like he was insulting ME by this tirade of my friend. If that makes sense.
Your WH feels inferior to him and intimidated by him.
Don't let the bravado fool you. It's pretty obvious and really pathetic. From what I read your WH should feel intimidated. He should be taking notes from this guy instead of puffing up his chest like some rooster trying to impress a hen. What grade is your husband in again?
Your WH isn't busting on this guy, he's showing his hand that he does indeed feel intimidated by your friend. I'd pass your husband a note asking if he was done with his ridiculous fit, check a box, yes or no.
[This message edited by BtraydWife at 11:02 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
I would be furious if my FWH ragged on them. Unlike him, I have and have always had boundaries.
Yes, I don't like having my boundaries questioned. Well actually he wasn't exactly questioning my boundaries, it was simply a complete tirade against friend. But I could tell if I had said one word in his defense, it would have been an argument. At the same time, I felt like kind of a wimp for not sticking up for friend.
WH has a lot of nerve questioning the character of any other man after what's he's done. This is probably not the best attitude for me to have, but there's no doubt I lost a lot of respect for WH since Stripper-Gate 2013....
It's pretty obvious and really pathetic. From what I read your WH should feel intimidated. He should be taking notes from this guy instead of puffing up his chest like some rooster
yes, and to be honest I felt bullied by WH.
I do believe he is intimidated by him which is stupid because they have never even met, but this is a smallish town so WH has heard of him.
What went on shows this guy has more humanity, empathy, compassion, maturity, and self control than your husband does. Your husband knows this friend is a better man than he is.
[This message edited by BtraydWife at 9:55 AM, August 1st (Friday)]
Yes, I don't like having my boundaries questioned.
Well in fairness, you've been questioning your 'WH's for a long time. You continue to call him WH even though this is based on suspicions you have because of your prior relationship. How fair is what you do to him?
Maybe he did it to show you what you do and have done for a very long time?
Why do you continue to call him WH, if I may ask?
after WH stripper episode
Was there a specific stripper, or was it a trip to the stripclub? I'm not defending a trip to a stripclub, but saying 'stripper episode' makes it sound like there was an A or something close to it with one specific stripper.
[This message edited by painfulpast at 9:59 AM, August 1st (Friday)]
I kicked him out. I thought I would have a heart attack when I found out.
So, he's out of the house. What does he do? He lets me think he's sorry but he was really feeling sorry for hisself. he goes to a fucking strip club 3 days later for hours and spends $200 on his atm - right after we had sex where he was staying. yeah, good way to show your wife you are sorry for staying the night at another woman's house. The strip clubs around here are nasty. And, oh but he didn't get lap dances you all, he just "watched the stage" and spent money on drinks and weed. So, that's a lie that he is sticking to...
Then, he takes a job out of town. Well lo and behold there happens to be a howorker there for a fact screwing another married man at the company and flossing around every single man there. And he just can't seem to back her off from telling him about her A and telling him how great he is etc etc. Did he also screw her? Idk, again, I guess I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, as usual!!
At the very least, I have a WH who pushes the boundaries right up to the edge, lies to save his but, gets defensive because he wants a cookie for as he claims "not cheating" even though he "knows he did wrong".
Is he pretty good now? yeah, I think he knows he was this close to really losing me. but all that stuff got rugswept, for the most part.
Sorry, but I'm bitter today. I don't mean to take it out on you. Yes, I was major cheated on before. But I do not think I'm really applying too much of that to WH. I'm sure to a degree, but I went into this marriage skipping along in bliss fully trusting him. He had also been cheated on, we talked about all of this stuff like what I feel about strip clubs.
I don't know how other people feel, but I feel letting some naked skank bounce around all over his cock til it's probably hard, putting her tits in his face, and both of them are probably panting all over each other - is cheating. Oh not to mention even if it was stage, them spread eagle like it's a gyno exam while he sits with a naked vagina in front of his face shoving money in it...yeah cheating. Take out "stripper" and replace it with "his secretary" or "our neighbor" or whatever other woman...then nobody for sure questions it as cheating.
No offense painful past, I get what you are saying. I think I've actually been too reserved about what my situation is. And, I do appreciate the advice of taking a step back sometimes with WH and being careful not to apply my past marriage infidelity to current relationship.
Your husband did you wrong, and this man stepped in as a friend to help you. This guy didn't try to weasel in while you were vulnerable and make a move on you. He did right by you and your husband did wrong. That's all it takes.
What went on shows this guy has more humanity, empathy, compassion, maturity, and self control than your husband does. Your husband knows this friend is a better man than he is.
You are so right btraydwife. Instead of feeling threatened, what he should do is take a look at the situation.
Friend watched my dog for me when I practically couldn't even feed the poor thing cause I was so depressed. He made me go to work cause I would have rather died. Things like that. But mostly, what was great, is friend didn't pity me or question me, or bad talk WH, like so many of my other friends were doing. It was a relief. He kind of knew the situation, but didnt' ask. He knows I'm a strong woman and if I'm unable to function, then it's bad. And more than once,,,friend must think I'm an idiot for putting up with this stuff.
I don't know how other people feel
It doesn't matter how other people feel, it only matters how you feel. This is your boundary and it' not ok for your spouse to do this.
spent money on drinks and weed
This; however, is NOT ok.
BTW he's lying, I KNOW he probably spent it on lap dances at the very least. He's not a big weed smoker, he is a big drinker, but not a big weedsmoker and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been trying to buy weed randomly from someone at a strip club.
That place has been investigated for prostitution more than once. In fact, when I was a PI this was one of our cases, after WH trip there!! Hows that for sweet irony!!I did not take the case. Could never have dealt with that plus had I walked into strip club when WH was there, talked to the hostess, someone there might have remembered me.
I am not going to argue that your husband is acting poorly about this, and so Ok you are right.
The problem is what you have to decide is
DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT OR DO YOU WANT TO STAY MARRIED.
A MC said that to me on a number of occasions.
You husband has no excuse for doing what he did in the strip clubs. That is all on him. And you have the right to D over that if you want to.
But by telling him how he is allowed to feel about your friend, you are poking your finger in his eye and starting a hassle that will just put more space between you. if that is what you want, again you are right.
I did not tell you to stop having the friend. I am advising you to just let him rant and concentrate on keeping him out of strip clubs. The more you antagonize him, whether you are right or wrong, the more you will provoke him to do something to "get even". When he develops a "special friend", you will have no right to say a thing as long as they are not having sex, just like you.
Again, you can have whoever you want as friends, but i just suggest you let him say whatever he wants.
I still feel that there's a chance MWH (maybe WH) did this because you did this and do this regarding the woman he works with. After all, why now? If he didn't cheat, and you've been saying nasty things about his 'friend', then maybe he did this to 'show' you what it's like.
Please understand - I am NOT saying this is appropriate. I'm not saying he's justified in being childish. I am saying that maybe, again if he didn't cheat with this woman, he wants you to see how it feels to feel insulted because of the friends you have in life.
Yes, maybe he did it because he feels inferior, but maybe he did it to show you how he feels when you do it.
BTW he's lying, I KNOW he probably spent it on lap dances at the very least.
If it walk like a duck....this sounds much closer to the truth. But your WH continues to TT, which is far more damaging than the act itself.
It's like a conversation I had with my FWH years ago.
FWH: I need help doing the laundry.
ME: Oh, ok, sure! What's the trouble?
FWH: I don't know how to turn on the washing machine.
Me: Uhh, I smell BS - you just don't want to do it.
Me: Listen,you are the handiest guy I have every met. You can build a flying machine from this washing machine, and you want me to think you can't figure out how to turn it on???
Me: I would far prefer to believe you are lazy, rather than stupid.
So, my point? Your WH would far prefer for you to believe he has a substance abuse problem, rather than a sex addiction problem?? They are all fingers on the same hand. KWIM?
...and both of them are probably panting all over each other
As far as your longtime friend goes, don't EVER feel that you have to justify or defend that friendship to anyone - especially your husband. Your friend was there long before Mr. Lap Dance came into your life and your friend will always be there, god willing. Too damned bad if your husband has a problem with him. Too bad, so sad. Your husband knew going IN that this guy existed in your life long before he met you, so he doesn't get to suddenly cry 'foul' about it NOW, 5 years later, and he certainly doesn't get to dictate whether you remain friends or not with your good buddy.
If he's got a problem with your male friend, let HIM go deal with it.
Is going to a strip club cheating? It can be if the rules that this is cheating were clearly outlined ahead of time. In many marriages it is not considered cheating though - what matters most is how it is defined in your marriage. You say that you told him beforehand how you feel on strip clubs. For me that is part of it, but did you both agree on that as a condition? If you don't have agreement beforehand, it may not be fair to say that he cheated by going to the strip club. It is bad boundaries for sure and reason to be cautious on other behaviors.
Now I feel like you are trying to tell him how to feel with regards to your friend. It sounds like he has always felt threatened by this friend - I am not saying that he should be but that sounds like how he feels. He clearly is trying to make a comparison on your friendship to this person to what you are calling him out on his cheating. If we were to apply your rules to defining cheating on the strip club above to this he has a point.
Now I dont think that it is the right way to define what is cheating and what isnt, these are things that should be agreed upon, not just stated as fact by one party. This takes good communication and understanding of each persons view points. I am also not saying that strip clubs are a good idea. You are right to be upset by them if you want, you should discuss them and come to an agreement. Just like your WH should be able to discuss this friendship with you and come to an agreement.
Also, his "friend" and my friend are different. That howorker is not even in the same league as a human being as my friend. That's just the way it is. In fact, howorker is not even in the same league as a human being to WH's other female friends. To further clarify, I am not jealous. WH has several female friends, I don't care if he calls them or whatever. But NOT somebody like that one. I'm not going to get into the red flags I felt over that one, basically, I do think -- thanks to the advice of people like you -- that it may have been more a case of boundary crossing than an A. But, as we all know that line is really something a loyal spouse should never get near...
He seriously should not be defending someone like her in the form of insulting one of my friends and bullying me. If he feels the need to defend her in some way out of the blue by bullying me and insulting other people, then I think that in itself signifies a problem. I hope that's not the case.
WH can be a bully. I've talked to him about this even in the way he deals with coworkers and other people. I felt bullied. Something was going on in his head, maybe someone mentioned friend, he picked it up out of the blue and started crap with me.
As someone else said, I have been TT, rugswept, lied to, minimized over all this stuff. It's not like I can't get over some of it, it's not like any of these is maybe a total dealbreaker, it's more like death by a thousand paper cuts - all this little stuff that just kept happening and getting defended, minimized, TT, and rugswept. And, again, someone tells one lie how do you know what's true?? He actually has a pretty big lying problem. He will lie about a lot of things. Sometimes it's just ridiculous bs. For instance, the other day, he put up a long fb post about some conflict he had with our neighbor....guess what, it didn't happen. He got all kinds of comments and kudos for handling it well, but it didnt' happen. Attention seeking.
LOL...I'm sure your husband is no Brad Pitt so the stripper's 'panting' was most likely a show to make him think she actually found him sexually appealing. She had put on the same panting show for the sap BEFORE your husband, and would repeat it again and again for the saps that followed your husband. I think it's pretty pitiful when guys have to PAY a half naked woman to grind all over them and act as though she's enjoying it
Lol thanks for making me laugh. actually, I have hoped she found him totally disgusting and I have hoped she was grossed out the whole time. I think my husband is attractive, but he's mid 40's overweight, was probably semi-drunk when has there. I'm not insulting him, just trying to think like hot 20 yr old stripper. I hope she was grossed out. But I still hate her, I think he spent a lot of time with her in particular and another one, so I hate her. I know this sounds immature, but I actually pray at random times that she will fart on some guy while she is stripping trying to look hot or have some sort of discharge while she is spread eagle on stage this week or break her leg in front of everybody while spinning in her 8 inch clear heels. I just imagine them blowing out a huge fart while some guy is totally into them and just paid her a wad of cash for a lap dance, I mean spreading your junk all the time like that, I'm sure there's some nights they've just eaten some bad hamburger or something, it has to happen.
I know, I just have to remember that Wh isn't some god that every woman wants just cause he shoved some cash into her gstring.
As far as your longtime friend goes, don't EVER feel that you have to justify or defend that friendship to anyone - especially your husband. Your friend was there long before Mr. Lap Dance came into your life and your friend will always be there, god willing. Too damned bad if your husband has a problem with him. Too bad, so sad.
yep. And for the record, WH does have female friends that aren't the howorker mentioned in my sig, and I would never talk shit about them. It's mean, he was just being mean. Plus the stuff he was saying, it would be bad if he started a rumor. He was saying stuff like friend is a drug addict...NOT TRUE. AND, WH LIED to me in the middle of this rant, he said he went to some place, happened to run into friend and he knew it was friend because someone told him.
OutoftheDeep - this is a difficult one. I do get the sense that you are applying some of your past cheating experiences to your current marriage.
I appreciate this insight. It's something that's actually helped me in the last couple of weeks get a grip on my feelings. I think I have been better about not being so angry. And, I think keeping this in mind helped me just let him rant about friend without my getting provoked and turning into a big fight.
did you both agree on that as a condition? If you don't have agreement beforehand, it may not be fair to say that he cheated by going to the strip club.
yes we agreed. It was discussed in detail, due to my knowledge that he had once dated a stripper and in his youth worked in a strip club and frequented strip clubs. And, due to my previous job which put me in contact with strippers/clubs so I knew all about them. Due to these parts of our past, we probably discussed this more than most couples discuss strip clubs. I had thought he wouldn't be the same as his 20 something, single self... Although, I think his ex tolerated it. I do not think it was okay for her, but she never really gave him a consequence, I know she was hurt by this stuff. So, he got away with it before with her, probably thought he would with me.
He clearly is trying to make a comparison on your friendship to this person to what you are calling him out on his cheating. If we were to apply your rules to defining cheating on the strip club above to this he has a point.
Sorry but I totally disagree with this. The day I take my clothes off and bounce around on my friends lap for cash or lay on a table in front of my friend and spread my naked vagina for him, he can compare my friendship to his stripper encounter.
[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 12:00 PM, August 1st (Friday)]
For instance, the other day, he put up a long fb post about some conflict he had with our neighbor....guess what, it didn't happen. He got all kinds of comments and kudos for handling it well, but it didnt' happen. Attention seeking.
Wow. He's got some real issues doesn't he.
I was only putting out a possible theory - and in no way defending it. If you haven't mentioned this ho-worker in some time, then I doubt that's what he was doing, but who knows.
If he's making up lies and posting them on FB, then he probably is threatened by your friend. After all, anyone that needs that kind of validation is clearly very insecure inside, no matter what they present.
My WH used to do similar things - but his stories were told to me. Some to make me feel insecure (somehow, all of his ex's were gorgeous - until FB came out and I saw them. NOT). This was his way to keep me feeling bad about myself/lucky to have him. He also lied about his family, his past, things people said, etc. Eventually he cheated - I guess I stopped listening to his BS so he found someone else that would.
I haven't been subjected to any of this since DDay. We've had plenty of other issues, trust me, but when I truly called him out on all his lies, and why he told them, he tried denying but I was no longer subject to his pathetic gaslighting attempts. He knew he was exposed. Somehow that changed him. He felt tremendous shame, or embarrassment, or something - but he changed. No more of this crap.
I'm sorry your H is so in need of validation. Have you called him on this FB story? And the rest of it? Lying like this isn't normal, or healthy. Something in him is very broken and needy. He needs to fix this, or you need to get away because you'll go down with him.
This was his way to keep me feeling bad about myself/lucky to have him. He also lied about his family, his past, things people said, etc. Eventually he cheated - I guess I stopped listening to his BS so he found someone else that would
Yes, exactly. WH seems to need people who listen to his bs. makes me worried about cheating.
And I feel exactly like that. Until I really started noticing how much bullspit he tells, I felt like he was constantly bragging to impress me or make me feel lucky to have him. I don't know why, because I give him lots of attention with out all that. I think it's his pattern and habit. Once I got onto him, then who's gonna believe his baloney?
On the fb post, I gently called him out on it, he got embarrassed, gave some mumbling vague answer, and we both dropped it. But, it's still up on his fb. I should have called him out on it actually. By not doing so, I enabled it. Instead, I saw him get embarrassed and I protected him from that feeling and dropped the subject.