"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

silentlucidity posted 7/31/2014 17:32 PM

Sorry to all on here, I have been away a long time, hiding I think, as I have never faced the truth !!!!

I will be on here more often now, I will hopefully be on here ever night for as long as it takes, to get the help and support I need. I want my Wife to feel safe and loved again, I know its going to be a long haul, but this is all my fault, as I haven't been completely honest with her/you.

I had an affair and I am so ashamed of this, I ended up getting too close with the person I worked with for two weeks and in the third it progressed to a full affair, I put my hand down her top, I kissed her twice, I was texting her around the clock, I went too see her at the pub she worked at whilst out on my motorbike (which my Wife got me), text all night whilst in a pub (where I met my wife) listened to a band (who played our wedding) all the time still texting the AP, accepted a lift of the AP home but ended up in a carpark, where she offered me to touch her, I never said NO. It then ended up with us having sex in the back of the car. As you will see from all this, I did the running, I did the chasing, for which I am so ashamed off, I have destroyed my wife, through my infidelity.

I was seeking attention through all this and craving more, the touching and sex was through curiosity.

I am not a good typer, I thought I would just fire the above of first and await your responses, then respond.

I need help to help my wife recover and will do anything that is required, I am going to re read 'How to heal your spouse' (I think that's what its called?)

I know I will get some torrent of abuse, but I deserve it, I have been a fool and should never have hid things from my wife

Thanks for reading and keep supporting my wife (olwen)

SL

PenitentMan posted 7/31/2014 17:49 PM

Welcome back. Where you're wrong is that there's no torrent of abuse. I thought the same when I first got here and challenged everyone to "do their worst" in regard to my posts. But, we're the same as you - people who were unfaithful. And we're here to help and offer advice and empathy.

The name of the book is "how to help your spouse heal from your affair."

Aubrie posted 7/31/2014 18:00 PM

I know I will get some torrent of abuse

Abuse? Nope. It's against guidelines and this forum is heavily moderated. Now if you mean people calling you on your bull crap, absolutely. There is a vast difference between abuse and bull-crap-calling.

Have you read the Healing Library? I suggest a refresher. As well as the book you mentioned. (It's a short read. You should go thru it a minimum of twice, right off the bat)

Are you in IC? Is it an option? Or is that what you're using SI for?

Anyway, hi. Welcome back from lurking.

silentlucidity posted 8/1/2014 00:50 AM

Hi,

No we cant afford IC, so I told my BS I would come on here more than I did before and really give it a try with reading the books also, I will head over to the healing library again for a refresher, and listen to these books with a different head.

I know you are all there to help and support, I just didn't think I needed it, I was something special, yeh right. But since opening up and realising the hurt and pain I have caused through my lies, its time I stood up and became an adult.

If only I had told the truth right at the beginning, Idiot !!!!!

SL

silentlucidity posted 8/1/2014 01:17 AM

Sorry, I will keep writing little snippets on here, it helps.

I told so many lies/justifications, that I believed them.

No more, I need to be there for my BS and DS

SL

Neznayou posted 8/1/2014 05:46 AM

For the longest time, I had myself convinced that I asked AP (before it was a PA and before I began hiding the EA) to help me move something during the day for the sole purpose of helping my BH (so he could come home at the end of the day and relax). At some point along the way I finally realized that I didn't do it to help my BH, I did it so that he could come home, collapse in his recliner and I didn't have to spend time with him. That gesture that for so long I thought was a tiny speck of love was actually another wall I put up between us. The truth of my behaviour sucks. When it comes to affairs, I don't think there is any truth that doesn't suck.

DrJekyll posted 8/1/2014 08:29 AM

The very first thing that you need to do is BE HONEST. Honest with yourself, honest with your BS, and honest with us. Before I disclosed all of my actions to my BS I was reading about how the WS heals. Step one BE HONEST. You have to be honest, to be authentic. You cannot heal yourself if you are still being deceitful. When I read that I thought "that's for my BS, but what about me?" after I "came clean" I realized just how much that was for me. You will not be able to build an intimate relationship while not being honest.

Also realize, THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO AWAY. If it did just go away. That is called rugsweeping. Where you are going to repeat your offense or in the back of your BS mind, they will be holding a hallpass rationalization.

So you are going to have to do the hard work. You are going to need to courage to face that devil in the mirror.

Aubrie posted 8/1/2014 10:22 AM

I told so many lies/justifications, that I believed them.

No more, I need to be there for my BS

Silentlucidity, are there any more secrets? Are you holding ANYTHING back? Is there a detail that you are severely ashamed of and are trying to cover up or diminish? Is there something you think isn't a big deal and aren't telling?

Healing can't even remotely begin unless you are brutally and completely honest. With your wife, and with yourself. If there is anything you are leaving you, you need to spill Brother.

Honesty is the first step.

How many of us thought we were special and didn't need help? Ehhh, all of us. We all were special. Different. Unicornitis is a nasty disease. Thankfully it's treatable. As long as the patient is willing to do the prescribed work.

Best of luck.

silentlucidity posted 8/1/2014 15:46 PM

Hi Aubrie

Thankyou for the reply.

No more secrets now, I now need to fight through the lies I told and be truthful to myself so I can be truthful to my BS

I know this will be a long and hard road, but I made it this way.

Therefore I am on SI for the help I need

I will be posting a new topic, as I didn't mean for the 'Stop' sign to be there, I need the input from both WS & BS

SI